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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think normal mothers wouldn't do this?

244 replies

pinkyp · 15/04/2012 00:42

Was at a party at a play centre today with my ds - other kids were also there that wernt at the party. I found a seat, a mum I know sat next to me, there was a woman with a tiny baby sat at the opposite side to us. The woman started talking to the mum and next min got up walking off leaving the baby. The mum turned to me and said the woman had nipped out for a cig and asked her to watch her 3 week old, she didn't know her. Ten mins later the woman came back then went away for 5 more mins for a drink. Me and the other mum moved when the party had lunch and 2 times when we looked over the baby had been left on her own. The last time we saw her other boy (5) was watching the baby whilst she was having a fag.

Now I'm no perfect mum but to leave a 3 week old baby with a stranger then alone twice and again with a 5 year old watching for a cig is a bit...well shit really?

Baby was in a car seat so could of been taken with the mum, not ideal when smoking but surely better than risk being taken. Or maybe the mum could of not had 4 fags in the space of 1&1/2hrs perhaps just one? You could see the mums back through the window from where we were sat inside so not even looking.

OP posts:
Noqontrol · 15/04/2012 12:46

I used to leave my baby in the swimming pool changing rooms and ask another mum to keep an eye on him whilst I walked my oldest to the pool for her swim lesson. I was gone 2 or 3 mins at the most. I can't see the harm in that, I felt it was safer than holding him and trying to walk a toddler in on a slippery floor. The other mums were more than happy to help out. Is it really about the women leaving the baby with you, or the fact she went for a fag?

cutegorilla · 15/04/2012 13:42

People read the OP! The baby was left with another mother (not what I would do but fair enough) but was also left completely alone TWICE, and in the care of a 5yo another time. This isn't just about being left in the care of a stranger for 5 minutes, it's about being left completely alone. Never mind stranger danger, what if the baby had vomited (not unheard of in a small baby) and choked? What if someone had fallen onto it (not unlikely with overexcited kids barreling around)? What if someone had spilt a hot drink on it? And so on and so on.

Actually I think we do need to judge a bit. Otherwise would we just ignore it when children were being badly neglected and abused because it was none of our business and we are being judgemental? Or is there actually some clearly defined line that I'm missing whereby it's ok to be concerned if it is crossed? Isn't that part of being the village that raises the child, looking out for the welfare of other children. Putting pressure, as a society, on people to do a good job of caring for their children.

It's laughable really that in MN land it's ok to leave a 3 week old baby completely unattended in a public place but heaven forbid you give a small child a fruitshoot to drink! I do that by the way. Feel free to judge...

justonemorethread · 15/04/2012 13:59

everlong I was wussy (is that a word anyway?) because I thought I should say something to the father but then didn't as it was really none of my business and clearly nothing bad happened or it would have been in the local news. I just thought she was a bit small to be left on a pavement outside a shop, out of sight from a parent just to look at some jeans, she wasn't even buckled in to the pushchair.
And I didn't start a thread for fear of being called judgmental.
Basically I'm a non confrontational people pleaser who hates confrontation even on an anonymous internet forum!
(please like me Grin)

SeaHouses · 15/04/2012 14:10

My element of judginess on this was that the baby was in a car seat. I thought it was common knowledge now that babies should only be in car seats when it was actually necessary because of problems with cranial development.

The leaving a baby in the presence of other mothers depends on the context, which only the OP can really know as she was aware of the actual situation. We would all make different decisions on our local playgroup where we knew most of the people present and a soft play centre with strangers and perhaps older children being more boisterous. Really only the people who were there can know the situation.

perplexedpirate · 15/04/2012 14:21

Personally this is not something I would do, but I am very Hmm at the use of the term "normal mother".
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

PregolaLola · 15/04/2012 14:39

Did anyone read the entire op for goodness sake, She LEFT THE BABY ALONE and then WITH A FIVE YEAR OLD for supervision, small baby's spew a lot, small baby's not being watched can choke on that sick.

It was damn irresponsible to leave the baby alone or with a five year old, I am so surprised that what has been picked from the op is that she left the baby with strangers when the biggest thing is that she left the tiny baby alone.

how incredibly strange.

(ill choice of thread title op)

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 15/04/2012 14:45

Erm, the baby choking argument, does this mean you stay awake watching your baby AT ALL TIMES for fear of choking? Is a baby any more likely to choke in a car seat at soft play than in bed? Less, I'd hazard.

MagsAloof · 15/04/2012 14:48

All it says to meis that smoking is fucking evil. So addictive you cant even go 5 minutes without one and will leave your baby with anyone for a fag. Been there. Horrible addiction. Hope she gets help with it.

PregolaLola · 15/04/2012 14:51

no, we were however in the same room as him.

Its about taking all the precautions you can, Forget choking on sick then, how about five year old brother decides to share a snack with baby? you know while he's on duty.

NarkedPuffin · 15/04/2012 14:57

To me that would be a sign of someone not coping rather than an opportunity for judging.

bejeezus · 15/04/2012 15:04

I completely trust my 6 yo dd1 to watch baby dd2 for 5 minutes, whilst I go to the toilet/ get a drink in soft play. Completely.

seeker · 15/04/2012 15:17

I trusted dd to watch ds when he was a baby and she was 6 and I needed to pop to the loo. All she had to do was entertain him for a couple of minutes. And as he worshipped the ground she walked on that was easy!

kittyandthefontanelles · 15/04/2012 15:30

Seeker, not to me, no. Makes no difference. Just how I feel, Noone will change my mind on the matter

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 15/04/2012 15:40

I wouldnt do it.
Only cos you would catch me dead in a soft play when I had the pefect excuse of a newborn to avoid it.

'I cant go to softplay because it would upset baby' Grin

Anyway I carry mine around for weeks when they are all new and snuggly. I cant stand putting them down anywhere and they have to be wrestled off me by aunts and grandparents Grin

Soon wears off. I am not even sure where my DCs are right now.

giveitago · 15/04/2012 16:03

OMG - the romford story.

I wouldn't leave my 5 year old in the care of a stranger for 2 mins let alone a fag break time whilst looking after a baby.

Bloody hell.

seeker · 15/04/2012 16:06

Because of course another mother with children in a soft play area is almost certain to be a child abductor...........

everlong · 15/04/2012 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 15/04/2012 16:17

Because it's not a risk.

everlong · 15/04/2012 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knowwhenyouhavebeenbeaten · 15/04/2012 16:32

Very judgey OP. Hmm

babybythesea · 15/04/2012 17:12

I would be happy to look after someone else's infant/child if they needed help - so they could go to the loo, maybe pop and get a drink (that is only going ot take a minute or two), deal with another child, double check they locked their car etc etc. And I'd ask someone to look after mine in the same circumstances.

But I would not be quite so happy about looking after someone elses child (I mean a stranger, not a friend, as I tend to assume going with a friend is partly about sharing the kids out!) so they could take time out to themselves (which is basically what smoking is allowing them to do) while I take over their responsibilities. That is the difference, to me. I wouldn't ask someone I didn't know to watch my kid so I could go and have five minutes peace. It just strikes me as a bit unfair - leave them with the responsibility while you wander off. What if their own child needs them (my dd is 3 so often needs help)? You put them in a difficult position (leave your child, or ignore their own?). Yes, you do if you nip to the loo but that doesn't take long - who knows how long they might think a fag break lasts? And again, it comes down to what is essential, and what is nice to be able to do. I really really don't mind helping out on essentials, after that - well, not sure I want the responsibility. If something were to go wrong (slim, but never say never) who would you blame?

There is always the risk of your kid being snatched, or wandering off etc etc. What you do is decide whether it's enough of a risk to mean you wouldn't nip to the loo etc, and most of the time I think most of us would think that between the risk of someone walking off with your offspring, and wetting yourself, the latter was the bigger issue (especially if you didn't do your pelvic floor exercises as rigorously as you should have done!!!).

It's not about refusing to help, it's about not taking the mickey!

kittyandthefontanelles · 15/04/2012 17:49

Who knows, seeker? And who says it's another mother? What if she gets distracted by her own children? It's not her responsibility to look after my child. Her idea of 'keeping an eye on' and mine might be very different. This is a hypothetical 'her' of course. Still would'nt do it

babybythesea · 15/04/2012 18:09

Kitty, you've managed to say in a second what I took paragraphs to not quite explain.
My big worry with another Mum is that she will suddenly find her own child/ren need her urgently and will then either feel torn (which is not fair on her) or forget my child. Whether this turned out to be an issue or not would depend entirely on what happened from here (probably nothing)- but it's just not fair to lump this onto someone unless you have to.

everlong · 15/04/2012 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kittyandthefontanelles · 15/04/2012 18:23

Babybythesea-my pleasure. Glad we agree! Everlong- if you are paranoid and neurotic then so am I! Cheers! Is rather be thought of as that than be mourning a tragedy. I'm often told I'm too protective. I really don't care! My mouse is only 5 months and has never been out of my sight. I work my day around that.

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