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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think normal mothers wouldn't do this?

244 replies

pinkyp · 15/04/2012 00:42

Was at a party at a play centre today with my ds - other kids were also there that wernt at the party. I found a seat, a mum I know sat next to me, there was a woman with a tiny baby sat at the opposite side to us. The woman started talking to the mum and next min got up walking off leaving the baby. The mum turned to me and said the woman had nipped out for a cig and asked her to watch her 3 week old, she didn't know her. Ten mins later the woman came back then went away for 5 more mins for a drink. Me and the other mum moved when the party had lunch and 2 times when we looked over the baby had been left on her own. The last time we saw her other boy (5) was watching the baby whilst she was having a fag.

Now I'm no perfect mum but to leave a 3 week old baby with a stranger then alone twice and again with a 5 year old watching for a cig is a bit...well shit really?

Baby was in a car seat so could of been taken with the mum, not ideal when smoking but surely better than risk being taken. Or maybe the mum could of not had 4 fags in the space of 1&1/2hrs perhaps just one? You could see the mums back through the window from where we were sat inside so not even looking.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 15/04/2012 22:30

I agree with everlong. The welfare of the baby is the most paramount consideration but also the consideration for other parents that you don't even know, yes, once is alright but several times, no it's not ok. It's not about her going out for a fag, although that doesn't help, it's wandering off out of sight of her 3 week old baby leaving her unattended. Am amazed that so many people are saying this is acceptable.

I was so sorry to hear about your mum everlong xxx

everlong · 15/04/2012 22:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 15/04/2012 22:43

It's up to the parents to assess the risks for themselves and make a decision, but leaving two young children out of my own sight in a busy pub with several exits isn't a risk I would be happy about taking for myself. It's unlikely that something would happen, more chance of the older child being hurt or upset than someone taking the baby, but unlikely isn't impossible and I wouldn't chose to take this particular risk in that particular place.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 15/04/2012 22:44

And everlong I am sorry for what you went through and about your mum. I also grew up living in the pub my parents ran but was never left alone or unable to reach them at such a young age. Your feelings about this matter are entirely understandable.

totallypearshaped · 15/04/2012 22:51

Well addicts do get a lot of stick and not much empathy it's true - alcohol, nicotine, heroin, sugar and cocaine are probably the worst offenders aren't they? My feeling is that people who are addicted to substances don't want to come off them, as they keep taking them - they haven't made a choice to come off them - otherwise they would engage in the programs and be sober and clean. It's a day by day choice not to use.

I do think this mum's addiction is relevant here, she didn't just pop to the loo for eg which is a natural and normal function of a non-addicted person, so that hypothetical argument isn't relevant here in this instance. Ciggy mum left her children, one of them a three week baby and one a five year old, and walked out of the building away from them to have a dose of her particular addictive substance.

The point that made me pause is when Ciggy mum left her newborn with a five year old, and then on it's own. Now what would have happened if the babe had woken and five yo had picked it up and dropped it? Or if babe had woken up / choked/ had a fit. Who's looking after it / them then? Ciggy mum isn't there so she isn't looking after them, and I suppose that's the bottom line for me: they're her kids, and she's the adult, and because of her addiction, she's not there.

Addiction is a dreadful thing. It ruptures families and children of addicts have huge issues in life, because no one was looking after them or out for them when they were vulnerable children. Usually they end up looking after the addicted parent or looking after their younger siblings, thus not having any childhood of their own. And this is what the OP saw: an addicted mother, a too young caretaker sibling and a wee babe left without any parent to look after her. It is a sorry snapshot of that family's dynamic.

Original poster
pinkyp · 16/04/2012 00:30

Just to confirm the baby was also left ALONE 2 times, then with the older brother the last time,
Each time the lady was gone about ten mins. I don't think I have judged the mum, I'm just asking if it's normal to leave your baby in that situation as I personally wouldn't.

To those that said a play centre is full of mums & dads so there won't be any child snatchers...erm..don't child snatchers have to go to places where children are to snatch them?

I was there for a party but the play centre bit was being used by others aswell, in a pub - where people who AREN'T parents go. It was really busy.

I agree the chances of the baby being taken are slim, but there's still a chance, if she'd not gone out / taken her out or even found another stranger to palm them off with then there wouldn't of been.

OP posts:
ComposHat · 16/04/2012 04:48

And this is what the OP saw: an addicted mother, a too young caretaker sibling and a wee babe left without any parent to look after her. It is a sorry snapshot of that family's dynamic

NO she didn't she saw a mum have a cigarette or two. There's no need to pathologize her. She isn't selling her kids clothes to buy crystal meth or injecting heroin in her eyeballs. Neither are those of us who need a coffee to wake us up first thing or chug down the occasional can of full monty coke, 'addicts' who need to be flung into the Betty Ford clinic and a Social Services snatch squad decend to whisk the kids away from such dens of iniquity

What she did probably won't win her parent of they year, but describing this mother as an addict and 'ciggy mum' comes across as a bit sanctimonious and makes you sounds like a pedlar of psychobabble

timetoask · 16/04/2012 06:21

Sorry but she sounds to me like an irresponsible mother who cannot give up her disgusting habit for the sake of,her baby. Poor child.

Growlithe · 16/04/2012 06:48

My DH was often left to look after another woman's newborn in the maternity ward when I was in after having DD1. Both myself and the woman in question had had CS, and the ward was on the fourth floor of the hospital. I don't even know how she got down because I could barely reach the toilet! Sometimes her DH would come to visit but would fall asleep in the chair.

Growlithe · 16/04/2012 06:51

Sorry meant to say that the woman was going downstairs for a fag!

PerryCombover · 16/04/2012 08:52

Some more fantastically measured, helpful posts on this thread.
Lovely

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 16/04/2012 12:42

"Just to confirm the baby was also left ALONE 2 times, then with the older brother the last time, "

No, you THINK the baby was left alone twice, you can't say for definite no-one was keeping as eye on the baby,you weren't watching, you "looked over".
I THINK you are embellishing the length of time etc so people will agree with you.

honestly mountain, molehill.

kittyandthefontanelles · 16/04/2012 12:48

I don't need to leave my baby with strangers in order to have my morning fix of coffee.

5madthings · 16/04/2012 12:52

in the op you say she was gone 5 mins and now she was gone for ten mins on two occasions Hmm AND you could see the baby from where you were, its fairly likely that someone else also nearby was perhaps keeping an eye on the baby, so you dont know for sure that no-one was watching the baby.

Heleninahandcart · 16/04/2012 23:05

OP perhaps you would like to judge if I am normal.

On a plane, I pass DS 5 weeks old to a total stranger in next seat and ask him to hold DS whilst I go.

Had it been the days when you could still smoke on a flight, who knows how many other single mothers would have been up the back of the plane having a fag as we all know that is normal for them. Hmm

totallypearshaped · 17/04/2012 11:09

"a pedlar of psychobabble" really ComposHat?

Well well, guess I know nothing after all cos someone on t'internet says so. Wonder why I studied psychology all these years, and trained and worked as a counsellor too. Amazing insight you've got there into addiction. Guilty much?

bronze · 17/04/2012 11:21

I would have been more worried about the 5 year old who finding his mum not there might run off to find her

seeker · 17/04/2012 16:28

Helena- how irresponsible! That stranger could be wearing a parachute. They could open the emergency exit and jump, taking your baby with them!

ComposHat · 18/04/2012 23:35

pearshaped I'm not looking to get into a row, but your previous post, you seemed to extrapolate a great deal from a second hand account of an event only partially witnessed by an anonymous poster on the internet. You cannot possibly know whether the woman was an addict or not.

As I'm sure you are aware there's a world of difference between studying psychology and being a psychologist. I'd guess no psychologist worth their salt would make such sweeping claims on so little evidence

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