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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit miffed about "I can't shake hands with women for religious reasons"

385 replies

Hopefullyrecovering · 13/04/2012 23:31

Which is what was said to me today, in a work context.

I have never heard of this before and googled it and apparently it is true that certain very orthodox forms of religion prohibit men shaking women's hands.

So I am torn between my inner liberal need for religious toleration, and thinking it's a damnfool sort of religion that prohibits a man from shaking a woman's hand and not just a little bit sexist too.

So, AIBU to feel miffed?

OP posts:
2shoes · 13/04/2012 23:32

yanbu
it is rude to not shake hands

keepingupwiththejoneses · 13/04/2012 23:33

YANBU many ortodox religions are very sexist.

BonnieBumble · 13/04/2012 23:34

YANBU.

StarshitTerrorise · 13/04/2012 23:34

Ask them where in their religion it specifically states this or is it just their own predjudices informing their interpretation?

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 23:36

YANBU

This has been said to my DH a few times by Asian ladies and they've looked really quite embarrassed to have to tell him Sad

KlickKlackknobsac · 13/04/2012 23:36

This is out of context in a workplace though- the secular overrides the religious in this blatant form of sexism and should be countered. Don't give him your vote/ contract/ benefit of the doubt in return.

BillyBollyBandy · 13/04/2012 23:36

Hmmm I can see where you are coming from but YABU. Would you be insulted if someone wouldn't eat a meal you gave them becuase it wasn't Kosher for example?

I'm not sure it is sexist, as neither sex is allowed to shake hands with the opposite sex.

entropygirl · 13/04/2012 23:36

YADNBU

I had this happen to me and you just end up feeling slightly dirty or unclean or something....till you remember that it is their mental problem and not actually anything to do with you....

I think it is best to think of this kind of thing as a sort of social disability....

AThingInYourLife · 13/04/2012 23:37

I'm not sure tolerating religious bigotry is particularly liberal.

BuckBuckMcFate · 13/04/2012 23:37

Did you start a thread about this before op?

BrightnessFalls · 13/04/2012 23:37

It doesnt bother me, Im used to it. I once went to hug a guy after an experience at work and he backed off me like I was about to punch him said something that I didnt understand so I wont repeat it. It just meant "I dont physically touch other women" didnt bother me, I just said "of course"

faeriefruitcake · 13/04/2012 23:37

Why be miffed, why not just accept it. It's about respect. YBU

Frontpaw · 13/04/2012 23:37

I would have told them that it was against my religion to shake hands with them. Which religion was it? I've never been refused a handshake.

1950sHousewife · 13/04/2012 23:38

YANBU. I think that things that you can't change -ie gender, sexuality, age, disability - completely override things which you can change i.e. politics and religion.

It's impolite and regressive. In fact, if it's someone you work with I would complain to management.

BrightnessFalls · 13/04/2012 23:41

How can you report it though? Its probably not a colleague but someone she came accross through work. Im guessing orthodox Jewish? even if you did work with someone like that, its not a reporting offence. Just accept it for what it is.

Original poster
Hopefullyrecovering · 13/04/2012 23:41

No, I wouldn't feel insulted if someone couldn't eat something I provided, because it wasn't kosher, or contained pork if the guest was muslim (or jewish in fact). Not at all. This is the thing. I do honestly do my best to respect religious beliefs.

But this one sort of got to me. I think it is sexist, because he could shake my (male) junior's hand. Just not mine. It felt a bit horrible, to wander in, hand extended, all friendly and stuff and get that response.

And why? I've been reading the answers on google and they make no rational sense to me.

OP posts:
Mrsjay · 13/04/2012 23:41

i am not sure if its sexists or not but I think yabu if a person doesnt shake hands for reason of religion then shouldnt we respect that ?

AThingInYourLife · 13/04/2012 23:41

" It's about respect."

Nope, it's about disrespect.

faeriefruitcake · 13/04/2012 23:42

We accept when people say I can't eat that for whatever reason, why can't accept I can't touch.

Or are you going to start giving veggies meat and pork to Jews/Muslims, beef to Hindu's?

Ooo just let me wipe my liberal westerinsed thinking all over your belief system because I do it from a position of superiority and ignorance.

ILoveHorridHenry · 13/04/2012 23:42

yanbu but at the same time, respect what the person is saying because its part of their belief.

Im muslim and so dont shake hands with men..it's never ever been an issue for anyone I've ever come into contact with. Family friends who are guys accept who I am and they know I love them and respect them without having to give them a handshake. It was the same at work, my bosses understood certain religious adherences although absolutely none of these I allowed to interfere in my work for them. Dont be miffed, because its not personal.

Original poster
Hopefullyrecovering · 13/04/2012 23:43

The religion in question was orthodox jewish, although from my googling, I understand this can happen in orthodox muslim religions too.

No, I haven't started a thread about this before. It was genuinely gob-smacking though.

OP posts:
bucketbetty · 13/04/2012 23:44

I wrote in here about this a few weeks ago. I was unsure how to feel about it. Still am to be honest. I want to be respectful but not sure how I feel about this. I don't think anyone can say its religious, surely its a cultural thing with nothing to so with religion. I'm not well enough educated on the subject to say for sure. I discussed the matter later with a friend because it made me think about all the things we wouldn't have if we were strictly limited in what we could and couldn't do. For example, beautiful art, great movies, even cartoons. Some cultural and religious teachings could limit lots of creativity and artistic expressions. Personally I'm a bit stumped how we can please and respect all.

BrightnessFalls · 13/04/2012 23:46

Im guessing you've never met an Orthodox Jewish man before? you wouldve been surprised then. I work with them all the time so, I know that. I guess thats why I wouldnt even try.

BonnieBumble · 13/04/2012 23:46

Someone refused to be interviewed by me once because I am a female when he was told he had no choice he laughed and said "but what does she know?"

BillyBollyBandy · 13/04/2012 23:46

But if it was a muslim woman at the meeting she could have shook your hand, but not your male colleagues. So it isn't sexist.

There are many parts of different religion I don't understand or accept, the cow being sacred for example while the pig is dirty, but that doesn't mean I am bothered that my muslim friends would rather eat chicken.

This has happened to me in a professional capacity and the gentleman concerned apologised and said he couldn't shake my hand. No problem.