To feel a bit miffed about "I can't shake hands with women for religious reasons"

[Hopefullyrecovering]

Which is what was said to me today, in a work context.

I have never heard of this before and googled it and apparently it is true that certain very orthodox forms of religion prohibit men shaking women's hands.

So I am torn between my inner liberal need for religious toleration, and thinking it's a damnfool sort of religion that prohibits a man from shaking a woman's hand and not just a little bit sexist too.

So, AIBU to feel miffed?

YAB abit U. I used to work in a Muslim country and was warned that many men would not shake hands with me. I accepted this out of respect for their religion. As it turned out, many of the men did offer their hand as they had been educated here so were used to our culture. I wasn't offended by those that didn't though.

Nailak, have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

There's a difference between not wanting to shake hands with a member of the opposite sex (goes for women as well as men) and refusing to deal with them.

Refusing physical contact is fine; so long as an alternative greeting, or mark of respect is offered (usually a small bow/nod).

I find once a person refuses a handshake and starts bowing, he or she does that to everyone in the room, which is tactful way of not excluding or differentiating between men and women.

What was his alternative form of greeting? Not shaking hands - ok, but there should be some sign of mutual respect surely? I like the way in other cultures there are different greetings eg hand over heart, hands folded together. Even an inclined head is a kind of greeting.

I feel that it was sexist to discriminate between you and your male colleagues. I respect his wishes to not make physical contact with you, as a women, but in order to not be sexist and discriminate against you and other women in business I feel he shouldn't have shaken hands with anyone. A smile and gentle bow of the head is an alternative to a handshake. It could have been made to each individual and been far more respectful of the requirements of all in the room.

"perhaps one of the few religions in which women are revered."

Women are "revered" in all the Abrahamic religions.

The reverence is such that they need to have their sexuality circumscribed and controlled by men, who affect to feel inferior whilst they bring their power to bear on the ones they "revere".

i understand it.

an orthodox jew isn't allowed to touch hands of the opposite sex.

even if you hand over change in a shop, you have to put it down on the counter for them to pick it up.

yabu.

Perhaps there should be discreet lapel badges signifying 'limited contact only, please let me decide whether we should touch or not'. Bloody minefield if you ask me.

Yanbu. I see it as just yet another example of religious beliefs stamping all over equality or even just basic courtesy.

I wouldn't be offended if he had said 'I don't shake hands' - it's the fact that they specifically don't shake hands with women that is offensive. And the reasons

I think women should just be allowed to decide not to shake hands with a man -when he is with a group of women -for whatever reason appeals most ie: because he is black, white, has a pink tie or horrid shoes.

YABU, this is not entirely unusual and extends to both sexes.

So men won't shake hands with other men too? Is that men who aren't of the same religion? Are they unclean or something?

No, some women won't shake hands with men for religious reasons, they could feel similarly affronted.

As an HR manager, I have to say that if anyone came to me 'demanding' that I deal with this sexist behaviour, I would absolutely NOT approach it as such!

You know the reasons for the non handshake, if not getting one is enough to make you feel undermined/inferior etc, then I respectfully suggest there are bigger issues to address

Some people just seem absolutely determined to identify every little thing as the thin end of the wedge. Sometimes it just is what it is.

If he was otherwise polite and sounded apologetic about it then I wouldn't have a problem. If he said "get away from me you foul unclean female" then I might think differently.

HomeEcoGnomist- you are the voice of reason. I've had this happen to me and I wasn't remotely offended, it was all done with a smile and pleasantries.

I am aghast that a poster on the first page called it a "mental problem" if people won't shake hands with you. It's not "mental" and it's to do with religion beliefs so it needn't be a problem unless we all make it one.

Try this: drop hand, roll eyes, sigh audibly, and ask, "Am I allowed to sit down or will that pollute the chair?"

purits Sat 14-Apr-12 13:16:15
Nailak, have you heard of Stockholm Syndrome?

yes, i think you are now implying woman that choose to follorw religions all have stockholm syndrome? just becasue they dont agreee with you they must be somehow brainwashed and unable to think for themselves?

cant you use that the other way round though? and say athiests have stockholm syndrome, as they are influienced by their culture, the sexualisation of women etc?

I'm a muslim and on numerous occasions I've been told by religious elders that our religion doesn't allow shaking hands with the opposite sex. my response was that there is no way on this earth that I'm going to embarrass myself and the other party concerned in a work environment by refusing to shake their hand. I can't imagine doing that ever, it would be so awkward. I'm answerable to god and he can judge me on this when the time comes but I just think its an accepted social norm in this country and we should accept it.

It's incredibly patronising to suggest that all women who choose to follow particular cultural or religious traditions are suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

So are these women considered incapable of thinking for themselves?

I can't understand the dilemma. This is Britain and in this country it is an insult to refuse to shake hands.

ajuba seems capable of thinking for herself and has come to a sensible conclusion.

ajuba seems capable of thinking for herself and has come to a sensible conclusion.

So they are only capable of thinking for themselves if they happen to agree with us?

oh so someone who doesnt agree with you or whom u can't understand must be brainwashed...thats nice,thanks!must be nice feeling so superior all the time .i dont shake hands with man,maybe thats sexist as it depends on the other person gender...not that i really care,i will follow my religion whatever other people think about it.a few times i had to refuse a handshake,but did it a nicely as possible,never been a issue.it may be offending for people that can't accept that some people/cultures/religions are different that their own and take everything personally

"say athiests have stockholm syndrome, as they are influienced by their culture, the sexualisation of women etc?"

No. I never believed in the God hypothesis, not even as a child. I was an atheist even when I didn't even know what sex was.

"Sexualisation of women" doesn't even mean anything. Women are sexual beings. So are men.