to not want DP to go away for 10 days

[verew]

DP's sister lives in Dubai, she has invited him to stay with her, she's even prepared to pay for his flights. Its only him that has been invitedand we don't get on nor does she take any particular interest in the dcs. DP wants to go but I don't want him to as I don't want to be alone with the kids and I don't want it to appear to me or the kids that he is going on holiday as it very unlikely we will be going on holiday for financial reasons.

" we are his family and we come first."

So what's his sister- a passing acquaintance?

It's even more hugely selfish to not want him to go.

Nope Upahill, I'm using your exact words. The reason I'm 'picking things apart' is because not everything you have both said is insensitive. Your Alicante post, however, was very let them eat cake. No doubt most people would love to be able to go to Alicante with their friends and it not be a big family financial decision. OP, however, does not appear to have that option. So it was also irrelevant. And if it's ok for you to use your own experiences as an example, which is evidently was, it's also ok for others to comment on the examples you offer.

As I've already pointed out, having previously missed out on holidays because of money does not mean that your situation now is comparable with OP. Nor does it mean that nothing you have to say on the subject could possibly be problematic. If you'd stuck to unfavourably comparing OPs behaviour to yours using only examples that weren't solved by you having more money than she has, I'd have no problem with your posts. But you didn't.

YABU. Why not let him have a holiday - you have said that you don't like his sister anyway. You're a grown up, you can manage to look after the kids by yourself.

Really surprised at the replies on this thread! I think yanbu op, I would feel the same as you. 10 days spending money in Dubai is going to be more than a couple of hundred pounds surely. We are in the situation where its not a case of, you go to Dubai for 10 days and I will have a week in Alicante with the girls. Even a weekend in the nearest city each would be very tight as we have no money spare. I cant see us having a family holiday, even a really cheap budget UK one for at least a year or two. Any money to send my DP to Dubai for 10 days would have to come out of the pot, its money we don't have so I would be seriously pissed off if I were you. If we did have the money, I feel it would be selfish of me to go away for 10 days when our family haven't had a holiday and we could all benefit from it.

If the sister can afford it, why not come to visit the UK? She could then see her nieces and nephews and you could maybe scrape together to go away on a separate date. Also children aged 3 and 5 are flipping intense, I would be ok with 5 days and even 10 would be ok if there was a genuine reason, ie somebody was dying etc. Would your dp look after the children for 10 days whilst you went to visit family, spending any spare money you had and therefore cancelling any holiday you may have afforded as a family? Mine wouldnt andhe is the most hands on laid back dp ever. Even a 4/5 day trip would be enough plus would cut the spending money by half.

Exactly Flangelina these replies are so funny, "Oh well my dh flies to India several times a year for 3 weeks and I dont mind looking after our 6 children under 5 because I am a marter you are just being selfish. On the contrary my husband cheerily waves me off on 70 girly weekends a year. Lets face it this is exactly the same opposite situation! God you are sooo selfish op, just have a week in Antigua to even things up bit

I really don't get this! It's his sister. She's paying. It's one working week and two weekends. He wants to go. You don't like her. You think she doesn't like you. She's a single childless woman who is not interested in children. Doesn't sound the sort of person you'd want staying in your house for 10 days if she came to visit you instead!

Organise some treats for you and the children while he's gone- maybe stay with friends or family for one of the weekends?

Simple!
Ask him to take the children.

Maybe the sister wants to go travelling in the wider region and, as an unmarried woman, needs her brother to accompany her.

Unless he is paying his own way into tourist attractions, I can't see why he would have to spend a lot there.

Well my dp wouldn't need 5 days golfing in Portugal in order to help with the nightfeeds, he did them anyway. On account of our equal and fair relationship . I dont really think this is about keeping tallies against who gets what but 10 days in Dubai is excessive when the whole family cant afford a small UK break. I'm not sure what my dp could offer in terms of "helping" over a year or so that would even the trip out, because things are fairly equal. A trip to Dubai would be a once in a lifetime trip for one of us, I cant think if any way of "repaying" me that would rival it. Its not the trip to Dubai that l would have a problem with, I would be happy for dp to go. It's the length of time coupled with money we couldnt afford visiting someone who hated me and couldnt give a shit about meeting our dc. . Any nights out, weekends away would cost more money that we dont have. Anyway I'm aware I am projecting my own situation on the op!

Alcazar ar 9.01, legend! That is what I wanted to say! I am pleased LeQueen and upahill have equality in their relationships and could wave their DHs off with a cheery wave. I could not.

Because if I wanted to go away even for a weekend, or even one night, DH would point blank refuse to look after the kids. We would struggle with bills and rent (which comes from my sole salary) to cover the spends. So no, my H isn't some poor henpecked man whose nagging wife won't let him visit his family. In fact I bankrolled three two week trips to his mothers last year. But I certainly am not happy about it.

Unless the OPs husband is totally happy to reciprocate (on whichever terms, night feeds, a weekend, whatever) it's not fair. If he is a contributor then I don't see it as a problem.

I still think if there's a history of the SIL not liking the OP, and saying her brother shouldn't be with OP, then for her to invite just him (when being able to pay for all of them) and him accepting says to the SIL the OP's DH is fine with her attitude towards his wife. It's not about the holiday, it's about allowing someone else to belittle your family unit because they don't want to deal with the rest of them.

I don't have a problem with my DH having time away, this year it's 2 weekends and a week, and while he'd be fine with me doing the same, at the moment my friends i'm close enough too to want to go away with are either unable to for financial or practical reasons (we seem to be having a mini baby boom amongst my close friends in 2012). If this was a 'boys holiday' or even a sister who was supportive of the marriage and really could only afford to pay for one ticket, then it would be ok, but this is just her using money to get her own way. I can't stand it when people throw their money and make it look like they are being generous, when actually they are being selfish (not wanting to deal with the fact that her brother has a wife and 2 DCs who he is with even though she told him not too).

OP - your SIL can afford the ticket, I would assume she'll take at least a couple of days off to spend with her DB when he flies all that way, so she has holiday entitlement, I'd be tempted to say if this is really just about seeing his sister, she can come to you.

But then I don't get how he can get on with a sibling who doesn't respect his wife. (This of course is assuming you've not done anything terrible, beyond 'being the most important woman in his life'.)

Nah, in my view, either everyone gets the treat, or no-one does.
The sister sounds like a complete cow and he sounds like a selfish twunt to even consider going.
I'd be utterly furious if DH wanted to go off on a jolly like that for 10 days without me, hell would freeze over before it would happen, our holidays are extremely precious, it's unthinkable that we would spend them apart.
I totally get that seperate time away works for some couples but there is nothing "wrong" or controlling about people who would rather not live that way.

Ah. Then I'll tag along on dd's choir jolly tour to Venice, then.

YANBU- I think holiday time is precious (assuming he only gets about 5 weeks a year). It is a time to spend with the family as I assume he works most of the time. I would be really upset if my husband used his main holiday to go away without us.

FlangelinaBallerina
You missed my point when you started quoting me about Alicante trips!

The OP's post wasn't only about the financial side of things or missing a holiday but being alone with the kids.

What LeQueen and I were discussing was the attitude in a relationship to looking after children. I was making the point that DH can pick up the slack and do the jobs that I would perhaps normally do and then if he goes away I would do the same. I think it was around that point people were going on about letting him sort out the childcare

I also made the point that I think it would do the OP good to get used to having the children by herself for a relatively short period as she feels as if she couldn't cope. If she had this time alone it would probably boost her confidence. I remember feelings of panic of being left with them and then being pleasently suprised that I could do more than I thought.

I mean not many people who set off as a couple intend to be lone parents. Not wanting to be Dr Doom or anything but like I said partners do leave, die or get really sick.

Anyway it is really of no consequencenow because the OP has made her decsion.

One last thing though, what I can't understand (not in a bad way mind) is people who say they never ever want to go away without their partner. I have been with DH for 22 years and I love him to bits. We have been through some nasty shit money wise. I love us going out and having holidays and plans but we don't have excatly the same interest on every single thing. I have a passing interest in F1 but don't fancy going abroad and watching it but it is something he loves so he gets on with it. DH has no interest in doing the Inca Trail at all but will record programmes about it and has an insurance policy that is due to mature in 2014. He calls it my Inca money. Personally I think it should be a big family blow out but he says the walk has been my dream.

what I love about going away is coming back to him!!

The thread title gives her away. Not "Should dp have a holiday without me and the children?" but "I don't want to be left alone with the children for 10 days"

I would never want to do anything travel-wise without DH.
I hate the fact he's been to a lot of places without me, due to being in the RAF, hate it that he has memories of different places that don't include me.
I'd be massively offended if he ever suggested going off somewhere without me, in fact it would be a deal breaker for me, he knows that. He's got two choices ultimately, like it or lump it .

But why malifance?
Genuine question, not picking or anything.

I am trying to understand but struggling only because me and Dh like doing a lot together but I get so much more leave than him. So when he is off we have holidays and time together but if I still have a months leave left it really winds me up at the thought of staying at home wasting annual leave.
There are so many places in the world that I want to go to that DH doesn't and things that he wants to do that I don't and then there are the mutual dreams - the things we can look forward to.

I would really regret my life if I look back and have not done a big walking trek.
It would be the holiday from hell for DH if he went up Killi!!

Oh! Our relationship compromise re holidays.
He hates flying and I hate sailing.
So I do the ferry to France and he flies to Europe.
That's another reason he's not coming to the Himalyas with me!!
I just about got him to Boston one year and he came off the plane a nervous werck!!

DH gets a week's more holiday than I do but if he suggested going off alone on holiday I'd be hugely upset. I wouldn't enjoy going anywhere without him.
We both love travelling, so always go to places we both want to visit, sometimes we compromise, DH was far more keen than me to go to China last year but as I choose our holidays 99% of the time, it was only fair that he got his way (for once in 30 years).

We have very similar interests, I understand why you travel alone if you have differing outlooks though

DH will be wallpapering on his lone week off