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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to go away for 10 days

250 replies

verew · 12/04/2012 22:44

DP's sister lives in Dubai, she has invited him to stay with her, she's even prepared to pay for his flights. Its only him that has been invitedand we don't get on nor does she take any particular interest in the dcs. DP wants to go but I don't want him to as I don't want to be alone with the kids and I don't want it to appear to me or the kids that he is going on holiday as it very unlikely we will be going on holiday for financial reasons.

OP posts:

kesha · 13/04/2012 01:47

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HalfPastWine · 13/04/2012 01:50

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kesha · 13/04/2012 01:51

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RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 13/04/2012 02:02

10 days is too long in the circumstances. I would probably agree, as she is his sister (albeit an evil one ) but I'd say 5 days as a compromise

I used to live in Dubai. It's nice for a break but 5 days is long enough for a holiday there. It's also totally do-able for a long weekend because the flights are at good times (fly out Thurs night, come back Monday night - DH and I used to do this quite a lot before we moved there)

The other thing is that it will presumably cost money because he's going to be buying drinks/meals/getting taxis etc so you need to have that conversation.

NewGirlInTown · 13/04/2012 04:01

YABU
She was his family before you were his family, so he should be perfectly free to visit her.
You have already stated you don't like her, it's probably obvious to her that this is the case, so she is hardly likely to fund your fares also.
You just need to be grown up, sister and brother love each other and want to stay in touch. You've set your stall out by disliking her and now you will have to accept that their bond will exist despite you.
You don't have a monopoly on your partner's love nor his time. Presumably you want your own children to love each other as siblings as they grow up?
You should not be setting an example which reduces his other family relationships to somehow less than your own .
There doesn't have to be a competitive hierarchy on love.

ClaireAll · 13/04/2012 04:21

YABU and selfish.

Why can't you be happy for him having a fantastic visit with his sister? Why do you have to feel sorry for yourself. It's not about you.

samandi · 13/04/2012 08:36

YAB a bit U. It's a bit petty to not want him to go on holiday, but 10 days is quite a long time, especially with joint caring responsibilities. Surely a compromise of some kind could be reached as other posters have suggested, say a week long break and you get to have a holiday by yourself somewhere too? How old are the kids?

upahill · 13/04/2012 08:44

YABU

The sister is paying for the flights so the trip is not coming out of 'family' money.
10 days is not a long time by any shot.
It's not like he can pop over to the next town any time he wants to see his sister.

Let him go with a happy heart.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/04/2012 08:51

I think he should go, but not for 10 days. A long weekend is enough. I don't think that a parent has a right to swan off and assume their partner will cover their share of the responsibilities for that length of time. I also wouldn't be happy about that much holiday time being used up.

And it will cost money - I'd be feeling resentful too, if my dc weren't going to get a holiday, but their dad was going to.

008 · 13/04/2012 08:59

I think YABU ... a bit.

I would be envious of his holiday, but then, it has been offered to him, he hasnt gone and booked it without you. If your family lived abroad and had offered you a flight and some time off, wouldnt you want to go?

My DH is away all week, every week, so for me 10 days isnt very long, though I appreciate that the first time you face it alone it can seem daunting. Why dont you take yourself off to visit family or friends at the same time? Ok, not a holiday, but something to break up the time.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/04/2012 09:23

YABVU, if my DH didnt want me to visit my family then i'd be very unhappy.

You dont like her, she is likely to know that so why would she want to pay for your flights and have you as a guest when you have made it quite clear you dont want to go anyway.

She probably doesnt see it as a holiday for him but more about spending time with her brother.

If this was reversed and you wanted to visit your family and leave the kids with DH and he was the one saying he couldnt cope he'd be told to get a grip.

hairylemon · 13/04/2012 10:26

YABU about not wanting to be on your own with the kids for 10 days. That is no big deal to me.

YANBU about him having a holiday when the rest of you cant though. I get that its his sister but it is a holiday lets face it and its pretty off for him to go and enjoy one when you cant have one as a family.

Im guessing his sister wont give him spending money, why not suggest that the money hed spend from family money gets put away for you all to enjoy a holiday together at a later date?

ENormaSnob · 13/04/2012 10:33

I'm on the fence tbh.

It depends on family finances, amount of annual leave, will you and dc get a holiday?

My own dh is currently on an 8 day holiday abroad, but, we have a family holiday booked for August and the annual leave hasn't impacted on our family commitments. Plus I am more than happy to look after our 3dc on my own.

bobbledunk · 13/04/2012 11:08

Ten days is a long time to be stuck minding the kids all by yourself, it puts a lot of pressure and extra work on you which is unfair. If she was that desperate to see him she could go visit him herself.

I don't think yabu, I'd be quite pissed at having my workload doubled while oh goes on holiday for that length of time. He will also have to spend his own money while there, so your family will be losing out financially, that is a big deal if you don't have much to start with.

Hulababy · 13/04/2012 11:13

I wouldn't want DH away that length of time tbh, but then he'd feel the same.
10 days is a long time when you are not used to it.

How old are the children?

Seems very odd of his sister to only invite him and not even his children, her own niece/nephews.

Is there any special reason why she wants him to go over?
And does it have to be 10 days - 5 is very doable and more reasonable.

Hulababy · 13/04/2012 11:14

And how would he feel if you went on holiday for 10 days leaving him to look after the children?

OP has already said that they are unlikely to have a family holiday, because of financial reasons.

blackeyedsusan · 13/04/2012 11:20

he should be able to go and see her. think of it as a lucky escape where you don't have to fly with the children and be polite and all nicey nicey with someone you don't get on with.

whether he should go for 10 days depends on circumstaances. how much is he likely to need to spend whilst there, when did he last see his sister, how much holiday allowance does he have and how much will the trip use up, will you get opportunity to go and stay ith friends/family yourself at some point? ho old are the dc and what extra work is involved in having them solo for 10 days?

Flightty · 13/04/2012 11:27

I don't know, it doesn't seem very fair somehow. But DP is always going away with work so in that sense it's not the end of the world imo.

scuzy · 13/04/2012 11:31

YABU and selfish. you dont like her anwyay. and its also because you dont want to be on your own with the kids. so he gets a break and a visit with his family and even paid for. whats the problem? dont be selfish.

Midori1999 · 13/04/2012 11:35

I don't think YABU.

It will use up his annual leave and he will obviously need spending money whilst there and it will leave you looking after the DC for ten days. Would he look after the DC for ten days if the situation were reversed?

Is there a way to compromise? Maybe he could go but for less time or perhaps his sister could come and visit you, even though you dislike her, that way your DC could get to see her too.

upahill · 13/04/2012 12:09

No..... it would only use up some of his A/l not all his leave.
And if it is planned right he could use 6 days A/l he he is away for both weekends. Or 5 if he goes over a Bank Holiday weekend.
Most places get more than 10 days. I know I am on 35 + BH+ 4 days unpaid leave. A lot of people are on the same- not everyone admittedly but most get more than 10 days.

I honestly don't see the problem.
I have been away so many times and left the boys with DH since they were toddlersn while I have been away with my friends.

Dh has left me with them when he has followed his F1 races.
The OP doesn't even like the sister so it's not like she is missing out on her company.
I wouldn't even view it as a holiday - it's meeting up with sister (albeit in a nice place)

I don't see what is so bad about being alone with your kids

canyou · 13/04/2012 12:15

Is there a reason why she invited just him, siblings can in tough times turn to one another to the complete exclusion of everyone else as they have had a lot of the same life experiences shape them. She may just need her sibling around for a few days

LeQueen · 13/04/2012 12:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 13/04/2012 12:47

It think it depends on finances, and it seems that the OP is not going to have a similar luxury of 10 days on holiday without her children - or indeed 10 days on holiday at all.
I think a shorter visit would be appropriate.

upahill - are you aware that that is a very generous holiday allowance? My DH did ten years with a big blue chip company and even by the end he only had 29+BHs.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 12:50

YABVU

You call it a 'holiday'...but in reality it's where his sister lives so why not just call it a visit to her?

I have family in Ireland and my Mum and Dad used to visit them separately sometimes if money was tight.

How else do you expect him to see her?

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