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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DP to go away for 10 days

250 replies

verew · 12/04/2012 22:44

DP's sister lives in Dubai, she has invited him to stay with her, she's even prepared to pay for his flights. Its only him that has been invitedand we don't get on nor does she take any particular interest in the dcs. DP wants to go but I don't want him to as I don't want to be alone with the kids and I don't want it to appear to me or the kids that he is going on holiday as it very unlikely we will be going on holiday for financial reasons.

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 13/04/2012 17:01

If the money's there, weekends away etc are no problem (within reason.)

If it's not there then it starts to become rather selfish.

If it's 10 days that's really pushing it.

I think that if you're tight for cash there is going to be some resentment when only one of you gets to go on holiday. FWIW I'd say to my DH to go, but I wouldn't be likely to feel any more kindly towards the SIL.

chickydoo · 13/04/2012 17:01

I think you are being completely unreasonable. Of course he should go, it's a great opportunity. Why on earth would you want to stop him having fun. 10 days on your own with the kids is nothing. My DH has been on hol with his friends, I've stayed at home. I left the kids (youngest was 10 months) for 3 weeks as I had a once in a lifetime chance to travel in India with friends. Being with someone is all about compromise, & give and take. Maybe in a year or two you will want to do something without him, if you are fine with him going this year, I am sure he will be fine if you want to go away another time.

LeQueen · 13/04/2012 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
verew · 13/04/2012 17:02

She is 28 (he's 26 btw), she's been abroad for 3 and a half years, she lived in Russia for 18 months and has been in Dubai for the rest. We don't get on because she's never been very nice to me at all, I don't think she wanted him to get with me tbh and has never really accepted it. She doesn't have kids of her own either.

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 13/04/2012 17:05

UpAHill, the times we've had problems (including some issues with anxiety, horrible thing, hope he's through that now) my family invited us to go away with them. When other family members have had problems, we've invited them to come with us. All of them.

upahill · 13/04/2012 17:06

I get what you are saying verew
I must admit I got the impression or should I say image that you were all older for some reason.

Perhaps she just doesn't 'get' kids. I know at your SIL age I certainly didn't and had no interest what so ever in them. It wasn't meant to be hurtful or that I didn't like them it was just that SIL had kids and that was it!!!!!

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 17:07

Well that makes more sense now as to why she doesn't show much interest in your kids OP.

She's 28, has none of her own and has lived abroad since before your youngest was even born. Your 5yr old would only have been 1 and a half years old when she went.

I have Nieces and Nephews in this country that I do no more than send an Xmas/Birthday present to...but it doesn't mean I don't think fondly of them.

Not everyone is going to be as into your kids as you are but you shouldn't take that personally.

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 17:09

so you havent seen her for three and a half years, she left when youngest was 18 months.

She just isnt into children, she doesnt mean any offence and you sound about 5.

Just let it drop, you are all young and you have the rest of your lives together.

NarkedPuffin · 13/04/2012 17:09

I don't expect them to be 'interested' in my DCs, but I expect them to be accepted as part of the bundle. Just like I accept BIL's eating habits Envy (< not envy) and MIL's lack of an inner monologue.

blubberyboo · 13/04/2012 17:09

i'm kinda thinkin you should let him go - you wouldn't enjoy it and i've never been to Dubai but would it really be a great place for a family holiday anyway? i imagine it to be quite hot for kids of your age. maybe she doesn't think they would enjoy it either

not everyone connects with kids.
maybe begin saving when he gets back and book a girlie trip away somewhere for you and a mate

and maybe he will bring you and the kids back a few nice pressies.........

upahill · 13/04/2012 17:13

Nice for you Narked but my family didn't know how bad things were because DH only has a DS who was living in America at the time and in NZ now (although had a period living with us) and we didn't tell her. There was no reason to and we didn't want to discuss our business.
My mum and dad are elderly and live miles and miles away and we didn't tell them either.
Why burden people who aren't in a postion to help?
It might have been different if they were local and other things but they weren't and that was that!

When family and friends asked where we were going for our holidays that year we would just say 'Oh we have a lot to do at home so we are not going away this year'
It really wasn't a big deal. And like I said we have had loads of holidays since then so everything is good.

blubberyboo · 13/04/2012 17:16

if you don't let him go it will just give her more reason to dislike you - she will think you are a control freak or something

maybe this would be an icebreaker if she didn't understand why he wanted to settle down young with you - as he will spend the whole break talking about his wonderful wife and kids that he misses terribly

FateLovesTheFearless · 13/04/2012 17:19

YABU! I would never begrudge a partner a visit to family and I would not be impressed if i was your dh. I am a lone parent with 4dc aged 2-7 and I work 24 hours a week, I manage just fine! Stop being selfish so he can see his sister!

NarkedPuffin · 13/04/2012 17:20

I'm glad you're doing well again.

upahill · 13/04/2012 17:45

Thanks narked Grin

1950sHousewife · 13/04/2012 19:02

Wow, you are all so young Verew!

Yeah, I'm afraid you come over as a little petty about this. Is life all about total fairness for all the family? Do you keep a little chart about treats? Yes, it's a massive thing to ask, but your children aren't that little anymore, so 10 days alone with them really isn't that big a deal. I love it when my Dh goes away - it means I get to catch up on programmes like Extreme Hoarders, let the house get into a mess and eat Pot Noodles.

Why would she want to pay for you? You don't sound like you have any fondness for her at all, but that should be your problem, not your DPs. And as for your kids, would they rather have petty parents who can't stand to see each other happy with their extended family, or squabbles like this?

FGS - save up and book a weekend away to a cheap hotel yourself with a couple of mates and have fun in return.

FlangelinaBallerina · 13/04/2012 20:41

OP has mentioned that there won't be a family holiday for financial reasons. So her situation is not the remotley comparable to the ones LeQueen and UpaHill describe on page 6. No doubt the situation would greatly improve if there was enough money for both parents to take trips to Dubai, Alicante or wherever else they'd like, just like that. Probably that would be the ideal solution. As it apparently isn't a possibility, I wish posters whose circumstances are totally different would stop unfavourably comparing her attitude with theirs. I don't know what the answer to this particular problem is, but I do know that isn't it.

Oh, and anyone who thinks you can't get a family holiday for a couple of hundred has never seen one of my auntie's very cheap and cheerful £30 from The Sun funded trips. She went last year to a caravan with the 2 DC for 4 days, only down the road from her and they had a car so the only transport costs were petrol, but it can certainly be done. Now I don't know whether this would be an option for OP, or how much spending money DH will take. Dubai isn't cheap and we've heard no mention of SIL paying for everything (not that she should) so my guess is a couple of hundred minimum. Even if that money wouldn't pay for a full holiday, it could go towards next year's.

I don't think SIL was out of line for inviting him though, not at all.

FlangelinaBallerina · 13/04/2012 20:42

Remotely, not remotley.

LeQueen · 13/04/2012 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlangelinaBallerina · 13/04/2012 21:16

Yes LeQueen that's why I said I was talking about the one on page 6- for clarification, the one from 16.34. The fact that you have previously not had holidays didn't stop that one from sounding a bit insensitive, and from bearing no resemblance at all to OP's situation.

I can agree with your second paragraph in your newest post, but clearly the finances in this situation won't allow for things to pretty much even out. So that's the rub, really! Either your second paragraph is right or your third one. the word joyless is probably key too, that's how it goes when money is very tight.

upahill · 13/04/2012 21:16

Flangelina All you have done is picked parts of both mine and LeQueen's posts to suit your opinion.
LeQueen has said about times when they haven't been away as well.

If you have read them all before you used us an some sort of example you will have read about the years me and Dh didn't have two pennies to rub together, not even for bills or that we went for years without holidays.
I am nearly 47. In the early years we were able to do a bit and then we had a disaster with the business where it meant no holidays, no new anything for a good few years and holidays weren't even a day dream.

upahill · 13/04/2012 21:19

The Op's finance may not allow things to even up this year but things never stay the same. Maybe next year, maybe in 5. Who knows?
But in a good partnership there is give and take. Maybe this time the DH is on the nice end but as long as he is a decent DH which he appears to be there will be times that the OP will benefit.
Swings and roundabouts!

seeker · 13/04/2012 21:37

My dp is going on a sailing trip in a couple of weeks time. Ds is going on a residential trip with school and dd is going on a choir tour. All these things will take up most of our holiday money this year. So I will probably miss out. But I'll have first dibs next year- the things the others are doing are this year or never. So they get priority. Just like the OP's dp. That's what family life is all about. Give and take.

LeQueen · 13/04/2012 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 13/04/2012 22:38

DH would go sunning himself in Dubai or anywhere else for that matter, using precious family holiday time with a family member who didn't give a shit about me or DD, over my dead body, but that's irrelevant, he wouldn't want to go without us, we are his family and we come first.

He's been away ( other than for work reasons) precisely once in 30 years, he went to the Le mans 24hr race for a once in a lifetime treat with a group of colleagues and we couldn't go with him because DD was taking her GCSEs at the time, plus it was also only for 4 days.
10 days out of four weeks annual holiday is a hell of a lot, especially if the family aren't having a proper holiday.
I think it's hugely selfish to even consider going.

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