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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to go away for 10 days

250 replies

verew · 12/04/2012 22:44

DP's sister lives in Dubai, she has invited him to stay with her, she's even prepared to pay for his flights. Its only him that has been invitedand we don't get on nor does she take any particular interest in the dcs. DP wants to go but I don't want him to as I don't want to be alone with the kids and I don't want it to appear to me or the kids that he is going on holiday as it very unlikely we will be going on holiday for financial reasons.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 13/04/2012 14:30

If you can afford it and he will agree to 7 days instead of 10 (why so long? a week is ample) then I wouldn't begrudge him it.

SuperSlattern · 13/04/2012 14:33

Oops, I think I've got the wrong end of the stick completely

I still think its unfair. Why not invite her over here instead?

Sounds like she is playing games.

What does your DP think?

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 14:37

Id struggle on my own without DH, but Id still tell him to go.

upahill · 13/04/2012 15:02

However in the OPs circumstances I can't imagine my DH going. Why two weeks, It's not two weeks, it's 10 days! A week and a bit.

I know there are those on MN who seem to revel in the "freedom" they give their partners. Well it isn't exactly freedom if one partner gets a nice holiday, whilst the other has sole child care duties, and then there is no chance for the other partner to have any similar solo holiday. Also some families like to do things together.

FFS!! It's not a case of MN reveling in the 'freedom' they give partners.
It's 'treating as tret' Sometimes I go away with friends, sometimes DH goes away with friends. Most of the time it is me and the DS's that go away but other times DH comes with us.
We do like doing things together but in the case given the OP's DH wants to visit his sister. Nothing more sinister than that.
The money issue has been discussed and ways round it.
Sometime in the future - hopefully not too far away - the Op can have time with her family or friends and the Dh can stay at home and be supportive.

Really don't get the song and dance.
And those that said they would struggle with the children without DH I seriously suggest you start trying to. That is not meant bad but none of us has a crystal ball. The reason I say that is many years ago my first childminder and her DH adored each other. They always went out together - if you saw one you saw the other IYSWIM. One morning I was due to drop DS off at 11.00am and I got a hysterical phone call from her son saying don't bring DS, my mum says sorry but dad has to go to hospital.
He died at the age of 38 of a heartattack. Awful, after all these years thinking about it. The childminder had no clue how to cope and took many many years to be her normal self.

That taught me a lesson to learn as much as I could and do as much as I could for myself.

LydiaWickham · 13/04/2012 15:22

I don't think what matters is the time out of his holiday entitlement (although it would piss me off), or that the family can't go on holiday (although again, the money he will spend when out there would pay for a lot of days out for the family) - it's the fact that the sister gets to snub her SIL and DNs, and by accepting, he's saying "your right to want to pretend my family doesn't exist and I'm happy to see you without my family." his DW and DCs should matter more than a week and half spent with someone who has no respect for his role as a father (no one who thinks his being a father is the most important part of his life would have made this offer).

If he goes, he'll be accepting that it's ok for his sister to pretend the rest don't exsist - he'll be saying it's ok that she snubs them, by accepting he's saying his sister's desire to see him without family and being prepared to use her money to get her own is acceptable.

It is not, he should tell her to fuck off and grow up and she can't buy her own way all the time. But it sounds like he's prepared to let her get her own way in order for him to have a great holiday.

LydiaWickham · 13/04/2012 15:25

But obviously if the sister was inviting him for an event that wasn't family friendly, then this would be ok, however she's not, she's just invited him on his own so she doesn't have to see the SIL and DNs she doesn't like. That's just throwing your money around to get your own way. That sort of behaviour should never be encouraged. (

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 15:28

the OP doesnt even like the sister, why should the sister spend her money flying a woman who doesnt like her to Dubai?? Maybe she can only afford to pay for the DH, who knows.

God so many people see offence where none is intended.

When did wife, husband and children become this amorphous mass with no identities of their own.

The relationship betweem brother and sister existed long before the wife came along.

The poor sister, I hope she doesnt stumble across this.

upahill · 13/04/2012 15:29

Who the fuck cares anymore.
OP do what you want.
We are going round in circles nothing new is being added to the thread and stuff is just getting repeated.
(as usual)

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 15:30

For gods sake Lydia, she has probably invited him because she can afford his air fare and she thought he would like it and she couldnt afford to pay for all four of them, and I wouldnt have through Dubai is the most family friendly place in the world unless you have wads of cash to throw about.

Rolls eyes.

zeropinterest · 13/04/2012 15:39

Fine for him to go, but 10 days is too long if there's no 'give and take' in the offing for you. 10 days inevitably means two weekends on your own with the children, so 5-7 days is probably going to be a better compromise.

But once he goes, be happy and excited for him. You wouldn't want him to stop you going away for a week at some future date, or be fecked off with you for it.

5madthings · 13/04/2012 15:40

i think its fine, but then last week i went and spent 4 day visiting my sister, i took dd (the youngest) with me and i left dp at home on his own wiht the 4 boys, he had to use up his leave entitlement to look after his own children it was fine, dp knows i dont get to see my sister that often, as the logistics of travelling etc and sorting out leave can be a pita, this trip was actually short notice and just happened to fit in wiht some leave he already had booked, we had been planning to do 'family things' but the opportunity for me to visit my sister came up so i took it, i dont think i really asked.... my dp was fine with it and i had a lovely time visiting my sister and her baby whilst my dp and the boys had a nice time at home.

no one moaned about not getting a 'holiday' when i had one and i did effectively as i was only looking after dd and not the other 4, it was a very easy few days!

later this year dp will be going on two holidays with work, he will technically be working but he has said himself they will be doing lots of outdoors activities and stuff he likes doing, it WILL be a break for him, whilst i will be at home with all 5 kids which he admits is harder work.

he doesnt have to go on the work holiday, but they really want him to and all staff are strongly encouraged etc, he will go and he will have a nice time, i will stay home and be fine.

dp has also signed up for the london marathon this year, he didnt ask me, it has meant many many hours training leaving me at home with the kids and the weekend of the marathon he will be away fri-mon and when he gets home he will be knackered, again i will be on my own with the kids [shrug] its something he wants to do and he is raising money for charity (the one he works for)

we dont tot up who has the most days on/off or who has the most fun activities and trips out etc, it all balances out in the end i assume, and tbh i dont care if it does or not, we are different people and like to do different things, both with and without each other.

just hope he brings you a nice present home :)

5madthings · 13/04/2012 15:41

that shoudl be its fine for him to go, yabu!

destroyedluggage · 13/04/2012 15:49

However as the children are HIS I would tell him if he decides to go then he either takes them with him or arranges alternative care.

My thoughts exactly.

Or, to put it differently, that's what I would do if it was my sister offering me a trip where the rest of my family couldn't come.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 15:53

Arrange alternative care for children rather than their parent?

What's he supposed to do, employ Mary Poppins to come and hold the OP's hand?

5madthings · 13/04/2012 15:56

why arrange alternative childcare? thats just madness, so when i went to my sisters last week i should have arranged for someone else to look after them rather than their father?!! mind boggles...

upahill · 13/04/2012 15:57

However as the children are HIS I would tell him if he decides to go then he either takes them with him or arranges alternative care.

My thoughts exactly.

Or, to put it differently, that's what I would do if it was my sister offering me a trip where the rest of my family couldn't come.

Surely the childcare arrangements aren't going to change that much. The kids will still be going to school/nursery/childminders what ever.They will still be at home in the evenings.

Again Again and thrice Again you nor I don't know why the rest of the family can't come. Maybe they could if they paid the air fare and the sister has agreed to pay for one adult. Maybe she needs time with him for whatever reason and it would be unfair for him to fork out of his own pocket when she needs to see him. Who knows? However there always seems a lot of spite of hear when a bloke wants to go away however. Yet I have seen other OP's planning a trip and it is almost 'You go girl!! Let him have the kids see how he likes it!!!!

However like I said before the post I quoted has been said before and has added nothing new to the argument. (Neither has my reply really but I'm just a bit bored waiting for a delivery!)

upahill · 13/04/2012 15:58

worra and 5mad things
you beat me too it.

LeQueen · 13/04/2012 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinsei · 13/04/2012 16:01

Suggesting that he needs to arrange alternative childcare sounds like the ultimate in pettiness to me.

Are people really this unpleasant to their partners in real life?

upahill · 13/04/2012 16:02

You are right there LeQueen

I do wonder how many of them (different posts) are for real though. Surely the place can't be filled up with that many angsty worked up women/

Jinsei · 13/04/2012 16:03

Some people just make their lives so complicated...and seem to seek out angst and conflict, and engender resentment and try and score points?

Life really is too short.

Yes, indeed, LeQueen. Much too short.

Xmasbaby11 · 13/04/2012 16:03

10 days is quite a long time, so there's a compromise to be had. I wouldn't begrudge DH a holiday, but i think there would have to be rules eg how much money he spends, because things are tight and that would save some time and money to spend together as a family.

destroyedluggage · 13/04/2012 16:08

Good grief.

Yes, if I was going on a holiday alone, I'd offer my partner to do the same. If it was during the same 10 days, I'd arrange for alternative childcare. If that was not possible then I'd look after the kids alone some other time while he gets his break too.

He doesn't have to go, it's not a family emergency or a work trip or similar where I'd fully expect the other parent to step in without a word. It's an indulgece. I wouldn't have an issue with my husband going if I was the OP, but I'd expect to be able to do the same and if the roles were reversed I'd offer it too.

Go on, get all outraged again.

upahill · 13/04/2012 16:09

Rules are what I have for my children
If DH started giving me Rules for when I go to Spain and France with my mates I would think he has gone bonkers!!

If I gave rules to my DH for his formula 1 trips I would be acting like his mother.
We both know what we can and not do, how much money is around and what needs sorting.

I can imagine the conversation 'Ok Darling you can go but you can only spend that much and remember.........'

LeQueen · 13/04/2012 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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