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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DP to go away for 10 days

250 replies

verew · 12/04/2012 22:44

DP's sister lives in Dubai, she has invited him to stay with her, she's even prepared to pay for his flights. Its only him that has been invitedand we don't get on nor does she take any particular interest in the dcs. DP wants to go but I don't want him to as I don't want to be alone with the kids and I don't want it to appear to me or the kids that he is going on holiday as it very unlikely we will be going on holiday for financial reasons.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 13:29

Me neither Jinsei

I married my Husband 'til death us do part' and it'd be a long and boring bloody life, if I couldn't do something as simple as popping on a plane now and then to visit the family.

10 whole days out of an entire lifetime together....

kitsmummy · 13/04/2012 13:29

I just think it gives out completely the wrong messages if one partner gets a great, long holiday when the rest of the family don't get a holiday at all.

hairylemon · 13/04/2012 13:30

I wouldnt be arsed about him using his AL tbh, me and DP never consult each other when we book time off (except if we want to make any plans) and if he did Id look at him like this -->

My issue in this situation would be him using a fair bit of money for spending (which he will, no way is his sister going to pay for everything while he is there and from what friends tell me Dubai aint cheap) when they cant afford to do anything together. Thats pretty piss poor and selfish on his part.

upahill · 13/04/2012 13:32

Karma that's what I said at 12.09pm but people are still going on about 10 days holiday out his entitlement.

I'm not sure why the OP can't cope with her own childen for a while without him. Let's hope he doesn't become seriously ill, leave her or die in the near future because that would mean managing for more than 10 days by herself.

I'm still interested in the flip side of it and there has been no response - that if it was the OP's sister who had made the offer and Dh was more or less saying no - you're not going to see her, even if she is paying.

kelly14 · 13/04/2012 13:33

Yes think YABU, my parents (and brother and his 2 kids) have lived in Dubai for last 7 years and since my DD was 5 months we have gone for 3 month periods leaving her dad at home (we was together at time but not together now)

My mum flew/flys back every 6 weeks but my dad and brother working so i need to go there, they would pay for my ex to go for xmas etc but he was working other times.

I fly dubai tommorrow and dd7 dad is over from oz seeing her for first time in nearly a year and he not going back till 18th but i am going tommorrow as its my nephews christening and i want to see my family (would like to add he only been here 3 weeks after not seeing her for near on a year and most of this time he has spent taking his new oz gf to amsterdam and barcelona and choosing not to see our dd as she would be bored, so i am not being a bitch keeping her from him)

I think its healthy for a relationship to spend time apart, my dad travelled with work from when i was a baby all over world for months at a time, its life! 10 days is nothing and he gets to see his sister, think your being a little selfish.

upahill · 13/04/2012 13:36

Anyway i think the OP has got off light.
Quite a lot of DS2's friends dad go to Pakistan for 3 months at a time.
His closest friend is one of 6 children under 14 and dad went to a family wedding that seemed to last from early February until the beginning of May!!
And he payed for his own flight from what I heard (mum did have a moan about that one especially as she works full time at a hospital!!)

JeanBodel · 13/04/2012 13:36

There are different sorts of relationships though, aren't there.

Some couples are very communicative, text/ring each other every few hours, like to spend all their time together, have a set of expectations based around a very shared life.

Others potter around on their own, live more independent lives, and have very different expectations on how much they need to keep in touch and how much time they need to spend together.

I am the independent type so I would love it if DH went away for 10 days. But I have friends who panic if they send their DH a text and don't get a reply within 5 minutes. Those women would not be able to contemplate living without their husband for one night, let alone ten.

We're all different. We all have different marriages.

Jinsei · 13/04/2012 13:36

I just think it gives out completely the wrong messages if one partner gets a great, long holiday when the rest of the family don't get a holiday at all.

And I think it sends out completely the wrong messages if one partner insists that the other gives up fantastic opportunities because it "isn't fair." I could sympathise with the OP if her DP going to Dubai was instead of a family holiday, but it isn't. They weren't planning a holiday anyway, and his sister is paying for this trip. It seems very childish to me to say, well if I can't have a holiday, nobody else is going to have one either.

I can see the argument that it "isn't fair", but I guess that's not how I want my family to function.

seeker · 13/04/2012 13:37

Oh, of course he should go! I honestly don't see the problem. I think it's incredibly petty and small minded to say that just because the family can't go he shouldn't. And it's deeply pathetic to feel that you can't manage without him. What if he had to go on a work trip, or needed to have his appendix out?

hairylemon · 13/04/2012 13:38

"I'm still interested in the flip side of it and there has been no response - that if it was the OP's sister who had made the offer and Dh was more or less saying no - you're not going to see her, even if she is paying."

Id say exactly the same. I dont think the spending money would magically appear just because OP is in possession of female body parts. Although that is something Id like to see.

upahill · 13/04/2012 13:39

It's all the sisters fault!!!
If only she moved to Skem!!!

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 13:41

Lol @ all the posts about 'spending money'

No-one here knows whether he can afford the spending money

Just because they're not going on a family holiday, doesn't mean he can't find a couple of hundred quid.

hairylemon · 13/04/2012 13:46

But Worra if he can find a couple of hundred quid then they could save that up towards a holiday or go away for a weekend somewhere.

its a bit like me saying to DP "lets get a KFC tonight" and DP saying "nah love we cant afford it, you sort yourself out and I'll just get myself a Zinger Tower Meal with the £5 Ive got spare"

infact Id be raging more at my scenario than the OPs . God I love KFC.

upahill · 13/04/2012 13:46

Simple then- He tells sister he is a bit skinted at the moment so can't go gidding about.
Now I don't know about the rest of the population but when I go to visit family or when the family comes to me the host tends to lay the meals on.
I assume there isn't going to be a car hire fee.

So he doesn't necessary have to spend much money, especially if he is up front and says he hasn't got much spare scrilla atm.
If he took the sister/family out for a meal towards the end of the trip that would be a nice gesture.

1950sHousewife · 13/04/2012 13:47

YABVU!

We have the flip side situation here. We live abroad and have offered to pay for DSIL to visit. We can only afford one ticket. She thinks she can just about manage to pay for her toddler. There is no way her DP can come.

I'd think the DP would be an arsehole of the highest order if he said she couldn't come see us. Yes, for a holiday and a visit. OK, so he won't have the kids with him, but it would be controlling and mean on all of us. 10 days is nothing out of a lifetime.

I genuinely don't understand posters who think that all families have to come as a tight 'we're all in this together' package. My Dh has gone scuba diving abroad without me, and I go away with friends.

The only restriction I'd put on this is if the DP was going to be spending wads of cash whilst in Dubai (I'd set a fantastically strict budget), if one of the DCs was under a year old or if one of the DCs was chronically unwell so that the care really needs two people.

Just think, you can 'bank' that time and go away yourself sometime!

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2012 13:48

But Worra if he can find a couple of hundred quid then they could save that up towards a holiday or go away for a weekend somewhere

You couldn't take a family away on a couple of hundred quid...I mean what about spending money?

Seriously, some people here are so controlling that marriage must seem like a life sentence to their spouses.

namechangingagain · 13/04/2012 13:55

Some couples are very communicative, text/ring each other every few hours, like to spend all their time together, have a set of expectations based around a very shared life.

We are very like this - but we still do stuff alone.

This is a wonderful opportunity and dh and I would both be thrilled for the other other if a chance like this arose.

I wonder what kind of people begrudge their partners the chance to do something wonderful

hairylemon · 13/04/2012 13:58

Worra I said they could save it up towards a holiday. Ive not been away for years but even I know it costs more than a couple of hundred buff to take a family away.

I agree some of the posts on here are pretty controlling regarding him using his AL etc, as I said me and DP never 'check' with each other when we book annual leave, infact we usually book it when we know the other person wont be home . But I dont think its controlling to see that its a bit turd that they cant afford a hol, yet he'll be using family money to partly fund a 10 day trip to see his sis.

Of course if the sis would foot the bill for everything, and he didnt have to spend a penny, then Id be passing OP a grip.

venusandmars · 13/04/2012 14:01

What would the alternative be for your dp to see his dsis? Is the alternative that she would come and stay with you for 10 days? And might you then be posting that SIL has come to stay, expects to be fed and entertained, but she isn't interested in your dc and you and she don't get on - nightmare. Perhaps you've got off lightly

NarkedPuffin · 13/04/2012 14:04

SIL has certainly managed to stir up a lot of shit.

upahill · 13/04/2012 14:09

SIL has certainly managed to stir up a lot of shit.
Quie possibly unintentional.
I think it was a lovely offer for her to pay for the flights but it would be unreasonable to expect her to pay for everyones.

And quite possibly, as it has been said before, she may need to see him for whatever reason- even if it is only for the comfort of seeing a family member.

SuperSlattern · 13/04/2012 14:16

I don't think YABU.

However as the children are HIS I would tell him if he decides to go then he either takes them with him or arranges alternative care.

StellaNova · 13/04/2012 14:20

It seems to me that people always get jumped on on here if they say that they would find it hard to cope with their children on their own , whether that is a mother of a newborn worrying about their partner being away for a night out, or as here someone worried about DP going away for 10 days.

I too would find it hard to cope with my 4 and 2 year olds for 10 days on my own, and if DH said he was going away for that long my first reaction would be panic. I accept that sounds wimpy to people who look after the children on their own all the time. On the other hand there are probably other things that I would take in my stride if asked to do, that others would panic about.

Anyway, OP even given that I think it IS his sister, and while ten days is a lot, it is a long way as well, and given that she is paying, probably YAB a bit U if he doesn't go, I don't think YABU to not WANT him to go though.

mummytime · 13/04/2012 14:23

My DH is going off a few times this year without me, 2 weeks cycling, another cycling weekend and a walking trip with the blokes. However he would not do this without consulting me. We have three kids, and will also be having a family holiday.

However in the OPs circumstances I can't imagine my DH going. Why two weeks, this is a really long time, and Dubai isn't exactly Australia. Also the fact that the family will not be themselves having a holiday, make it seem very unfair.

I know there are those on MN who seem to revel in the "freedom" they give their partners. Well it isn't exactly freedom if one partner gets a nice holiday, whilst the other has sole child care duties, and then there is no chance for the other partner to have any similar solo holiday. Also some families like to do things together.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/04/2012 14:25

I have 4 dc and look after them quite a lot on my own, due to dh's work.

There's a difference though, between struggling on your own because you have to and struggling on your own because your dh is on holiday. Particularly when his holiday will cost you money and use up some of his annual leave.

I think a long weekend would be fairer.

That said, you couldn't pay me to go to Dubai, so I'd sooner be here in lovely sunny Wales, than there! So I would think I'd dodged a bullet.

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