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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be worried about my DD going in her BF car?

165 replies

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:29

My daughters 16, her BF 17 nearly 18 and my husband is forbidding her to go in his car as he doesn't know what he drives like and also he thinks she may get giddy and distract him and cause an accident. It's a new relationship and she has told him herself she's a bit aprehensive about it.
Would you let your daughter do this? My husband says if there's an accident and I let her it's all may fault.

OP posts:

savoycabbage · 12/04/2012 07:30

Depends on the boy!

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:34

It does, and he seems really sensible and lovely but I hardly know him...

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/04/2012 07:39

Is there a way you can stop a 16 yo getting in a car with him?

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:40

Well yeah, I can't stop her but her dad says if she goes in his car she won't see him again but then again I think he's really naive as this won't happen!

OP posts:

SpottyTeacakes · 12/04/2012 07:43

I was getting in cars with boys when I was 15, some of them didn't even have a licence/insurance etc. Obviously I'm not condoning that but I really don't think you should stop her as she will just do it behind your back.

Just remind her to always wear a seatbelt and never get in a car with someone who has had a drink no matter how small.

TheFowlAndThePussycat · 12/04/2012 07:46

Well, I don't think it's unreasonable to worry about it, teenage boys don't have a great record on the road. On the other hand I drove around in my 18yr old boyfriend's car at that age and I would have done it even if my parents had 'banned' me. She's 16, not 13. Perhaps you should encourage her to express her own concerns to her BF, if he cares for her, he'll respect that.

Your husband is being totally U. I would be furious if dh tried to blame me for something that happened, even before it had. It's outrageous. What's he going to do, vet all future boyfriends' driving abilities in a short road test, with a compulsory theory component?

Better she makes her own decisions after a sensible discussion with you than she feels she has to go behind your backs because he is 'banning' her from stuff left right and centre.

Iggly · 12/04/2012 07:47

Your DH is being unreasonable and unrealistic.

Who's fault is it if there is an accident and you didn't let her but she did anyway?

Rhubarbgarden · 12/04/2012 07:50

He's being OTT.

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:51

Thank you all for your input on this, I too think my husband is unreasonable pinning any apportioned blame to me, my daughter is very sensible and TBH I am more chilled than I thought I would be about it but he's just so against it.

She watched lots of road safety stuff at school, which is good cos it's made her think and she has told him about it, being apprehensive herself and I think she has to make her own mind up, after all she is 16. Like you say if her cares he will respect that. Hopefully he will.

OP posts:

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:52

How do I convince him he's being OTT - hard cos he works for the police.

OP posts:

Pooka · 12/04/2012 07:53

My first boyfriend was a couple of years older than me, and was often driven out to pubs/friends houses by him when I was 16/17. He was a very careful driver and never drank/drove.

While I passed my test at 17 I didn't have a car until I was about 23 so it was a frequent occurance.

Out of interest, when you were the same age did you ever get lifts from boys who had passed their tests?

Iggly · 12/04/2012 07:55

Can he remember what teenagers are like? Let him tell your dd not to do it.

Pooka · 12/04/2012 07:55

Not sure ow you convince him, but surely he must realise that not all 18 year olds drive like idiots? Was he driving at a similar age? Did he drive girlfriends or get lifts from girlfriends?

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:55

I was 17 when my first BF was also 17, passed his test then wrote a car off. No one hurt. Then when I was 18 I had a BF who was 22. I never gave it a thought. BTW I haven't told my Husband the first bit!

OP posts:

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:57

Yeah, he got a lift from me, I was 29 at the time though!

OP posts:

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:58

So here's the dilemma, BF comes round today, they want to go out, I can hardly take them both somewhere in my car can I? Then when hubby get back and she's out he'll lay into both me and her later.

OP posts:

TheFowlAndThePussycat · 12/04/2012 07:58

Ask him if he remembers his parents banning him from doing stuff when he was 16, and what his reaction to it was?

Pooka · 12/04/2012 07:59

Tell him that it could be worse - one of my later boyfriends (now dh) had a fire blade motorbike and I rode pillion when I was about 19-21. That's way more dangerous IMO (even though dh wasnt an idiot when I was on the bike).

I don't think my mother even raised an eyebrow. She picked her battles....

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:01

Well, he was lets just say different and did everything they said, even to the point of not staying over with me as there was a big age difference but that's another story - I should have known then eh?

OP posts:

Original poster

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:02

Pooka funny you should say that, I am a biker, well ex biker and I agree with you, I have already made this statement!

OP posts:

everlong · 12/04/2012 08:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pooka · 12/04/2012 08:02

He's not unreasonable to be worried - parents worry and thats normal. But he is being unreasonab,e to think he can ban her from getting driven around by her boyfriend who has I assume passed his driving test, is insured and driving a roadworthy car.

Wha are boyfriend's parents like? My then boyfriend had parents who were sensible, had raised him well and had underscored the point that they expected him to be level headed and sensible, including when driving. Maybe our dd's boyfriend is the same?

HSMM · 12/04/2012 08:04

I was riding a motorcycle and travelling pillion on my bf's motorcycle when I was 16. My mum and dad were petrified for me, but never stopped me.

Rhubarbgarden · 12/04/2012 08:06

Just tell him you disagree with him. If he doesn't like it, it's up to him to do something about it.

ajandjjmum · 12/04/2012 08:08

DS has been driving for three years now, and like us all, continues to learn, but on the whole is a decent driver. Ditto DD who has been driving for nearly two years.

The one rule we had at the beginning (say first 12 months) was that they only ever had one passenger - stats show that young people are more likely to have accidents if they have a car full of friends.

Also, if your DD is sensible, she won't be impressed by stupid driving and he will know that, so in theory won't do it.

Would it be worth suggesting that he takes a 'pass plus' or something similar, which might convince your DH that he takes safe driving seriously. Could he talk direct to your DH - if he handles a conversation in a mature fashion, it might quell the concern a little?

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