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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about my DD going in her BF car?

165 replies

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:29

My daughters 16, her BF 17 nearly 18 and my husband is forbidding her to go in his car as he doesn't know what he drives like and also he thinks she may get giddy and distract him and cause an accident. It's a new relationship and she has told him herself she's a bit aprehensive about it.
Would you let your daughter do this? My husband says if there's an accident and I let her it's all may fault.

OP posts:
therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:51

Pre-empt him - drop him a text saying you fundamentally disagree with him - if he wants to try to enforce this he has to do it himself - you won't do it for him. Add that until he apologises for saying it would be your fault if anything happens, you won't be speaking to him about anything.

Then don't - go out for tea and answer everything he says with "are you ready to apologise", everything every text, every rant.

He is making you responsible for this because he knows it can't be done. But this way he can blame you.

Just dont engage with it.

I've had years of this sort of crap.

pictish · 12/04/2012 09:53

Yes indeed - I think he is quite happy for you to take the responsibility, then shout at you when his wishes are not complied with.

Has he a history of being stubborn and unreasonable like this?

Frankly, seeing as he is the one with the big problem, he should be the one to tell her no. Why the hell should you be the one to carry out his demands?

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:53

In fact a few things remind me of my ex - including laying down the law - but then not providing the solution - ie he won't drive them and would expect them to get the bus.

QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 09:54

Your DH will go mad and I don't blame him.

This situqtion hasn't been resolved. It can be by having another talk together and maybe DH talking to the boyfriend.

As your DD is apprehensive then I don't think she would react badly to this. Her father is only showing he cares about her. He has said to you he doesn't mind her boyfriends staying over so he isn't the victorian clingy father some posters are saying he is.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:55

I agree with both the above postings. This is going to cause such a rift. Yes he has a history but knows he can't win so takes it out by shouting and ranting on. He is trying to be controlling and it won't work, bit childish really instead of being reasonable about it.

But by not 'backing him up' that's worse than the situation itself in his eyes.

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:55

Give him a call and tell him that he doesn't want your dd to go in th car today he will have to tell her himself. I am sure he call her and have chat over the phone.
Then tell him that you will have to talk together tonight to find an agreement on what to do. Be clear that you do NOT agree with him on that one and if he talks to your dd, it doesn't mean things are now set in stone.

Give him the responsability back.

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:58

Why? Aren't you allowed to have a different pov than him? Can't you have another idea of what's right and what's wrong?

Perhaps remimd him that people are allowed to have different pov and it doesn't make one person right and the other person wrong.

pictish · 12/04/2012 09:58

But by not 'backing him up' that's worse than the situation itself in his eyes.

Yes well... that's bringing the onus squarly onto your shoulders isn't it? His upset? Your fault. His unreasonableness? Your fault. The ensuing row? Your fault.

He sounds awful.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 10:00

I daren't call him at work as he's really stressed there at the moment (another long posting I could do about his anxiety) he wouldn't thank me for calling him. He just said before we went to sleep 'I mean what I said she does not go in that car are you listening?' I left it there before he started shouting and alerted my DD something was wrong, she doesn't know (but can guess) how he feels.

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 10:02

What you are saying is in effect that the issue ISN'T whether your dd should go in the car or not but the fact that you don't do as he says. That you have your own ideas and you have dare expressing them Hmm...

You says that you do not let him being controlling. What is your strategy when he is like this? Could it apply in this case?

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 10:03

Oh God I'm sat here crying, and DD is still in bed I will have to go when she gets up as I don't want her to see any of this, or him for that matter....I feel such a crap parent

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 10:03

Could you email him?

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 10:04

My strategy is I just stand my ground, however difficult that may be and at some point he will come round. It's pretty ugly though.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 10:04

Oldermummy is your DH like this with a lot of issues or is he being very dogmatic about this car issue?

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 10:06

QLB a lot of parenting issues, I can usually calm him but this is a difficult one.

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 10:07

You are NOT a crap parent!!!

You are a mum who cares deeply for her dd but is caught in an unsustainable situation thanks to your DH.

Just do what YOU think is the best for your DD.
Then deal with your DH this evening.

One step at the time.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 10:08

Go On Pitch - thank you.....I guess I am alone on this one anyway seen as he has thrown it all my way.

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 10:10

Yep he has given you all the responsability for it.

If I was you, I would take it and use it for the best.

QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 10:12

Right I thought it was just the car saftey issue.

I would still tell DD she isn't going in the car today. But I would promise her that you will talk to him tonight about it.

I would then tell DH how you feel about the way he deals with things. Tell him you understand he sees a lot of awful things with his job and he just wants ot protect her, but he can't put the responsibility on your shoulders. You need to talk together calmly about the issues.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 10:12

He won't see it as using it for the best though, I can see what's coming.

OP posts:
pictish · 12/04/2012 10:12

'I mean what I said she does not go in that car are you listening?'

He can damn well tell her that himself! The selfish, overbearing git is trying to force you to do his dirty work!!

If he's that bothered, he can stop passing the buck to his wife and take some ownership for his decision.
This is ridiculous - you are not his fucking lady in waiting!!

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 10:12

You are NOT A CRAP PARENT repeat it a million times.

This is about HIM and the fact he can't cope with DD growing up.
Do text him - don't call him. That means a discussion - he isn't discussing he is dictating - he wants you to do the impossible - keep her safe, keep her young, wrap her in cotton wool and bubble wrap.

Really - text him - then go out - leave phone at home if it helps.

Don't discuss, don't debate, just stick to "I fundamentally disagree with you".

You are RIGHT this is the first of many such things as she gets older - don't doubt yourself - loving them is about letting them grow.

QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 10:12

Sorry I think I'm just confusing the issue. Will leave this thread now.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 10:14

Quick - he would say yes we need to talk but then end up shouting as things don't go his way as I am not agreeing with him and he won't like what I have to say then he'll end up stomping off, slamming doors and say fine if anything happens.....I can see it now

OP posts:
therewasatime · 12/04/2012 10:14

Add message | Report | Message poster oldermummy11 Thu 12-Apr-12 10:08:50
Go On Pitch - thank you.....I guess I am alone on this one anyway seen as he has thrown it all my way.

Throw it back at him OP - stop letting him make you responsible for his decision that you don't agree with.

Oh I am mad for you. Don't be sad be angry that he could say such a dreadful thing to you.