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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about my DD going in her BF car?

165 replies

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:29

My daughters 16, her BF 17 nearly 18 and my husband is forbidding her to go in his car as he doesn't know what he drives like and also he thinks she may get giddy and distract him and cause an accident. It's a new relationship and she has told him herself she's a bit aprehensive about it.
Would you let your daughter do this? My husband says if there's an accident and I let her it's all may fault.

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 09:19

I think people who are advocating just letting her get in his car, without chatting to him or finding out how sensibly he drives have absolutely no idea the devastation a death caused by an idiot driver causes.

I feel very sorry got your dh as he will have seen the consequences of these idiot teenage drivers. He does have a right to use his personal experience to say what his dd is allowed to do. He is not being over protective he is being sensible.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:22

Quicklookbusy - but do you think at 16 he can lay down the law and say she is not allowed. How can we stop her? I am sure she wouldn't get in his car if we asked her not to but there will come a point when she will want to, after all it's easier than waiting for me or a bus?

I am not without my concerns but I don't see how I can stop this happenning.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 12/04/2012 09:22

I think your dh is being quite insulting actually.

As the parent of a boy (only nine atm but give it time) I would be livid if someone banned their child from going in a car with my son on the basis that he is a teenage boy and without any other grounds what so ever. nothing like stereotyping is there? Hmm Ask him how he would feel about people making assumptions about his daughter on the basis she is a girl - it's no different.

As parents we worry about our kids, it's what we do. we worry about them drinking/doing drugs/having sex/driving cars and the list goes on. But this boy is legally allowed to drive, has a licence, is insured and presumably has a roadworthy car. Your dh's reaction has no basis other than prejudice, and I would tell him exactly that.

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:23

That's why I totally agree that you (you and your DH) need to find an agreement before deciding what tro say to your dd. Otherwise the fall out will be big.

But he will need to learn to let go of his dd. He needs to accept that she is going to take her own decisions and there is no better way to do it than with the security of parents guiding her.
He also needs to clear that he has to take his own responsabilities. If you two decide to say 'NO' to her being in his car and a big fall out start because your dd isn't happy, he needs to accept responsability for that. Same if he decides to let her go. If there is a near accident, he can't put the blame on you. You will have to make that very clear to him.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:24

Wannabe - good points there and I agree with you. I would find it insulting if I were the BF tbh.

OP posts:
sashh · 12/04/2012 09:25

Send dh out in the passenger seat of bf car - he can judge his driving.

Is it the actual driving he is bothered about? At 16 I was often in bf car - quite often parked and making a two backed monster.

Book dd in for compulsory basic training and a theory test, then tell dh she is getting a moped to ride behind bf.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:26

Unfortunately we can't agree he say's no I say yes (reluctantly and realistically) there's no reasoning with him.

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:27

Quick that's why iot is important that she has learnt to make her own judgement up.
That's why it is important for her to learn not to rely on some onelese opinion to decide if it's dangerous or not.

because in a year or two, she will be going to Uni, she will take these decisions and she will have no one to tell her what to do.

The risk though will still be the same (if not worse as alcohol WILL be involved which isn't the case here)

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 12/04/2012 09:27

if DD was DS would DH stop him from driving anyone around? just saying Smile

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:28

I think people who are advocating just letting her get in his car, without chatting to him or finding out how sensibly he drives have absolutely no idea the devastation a death caused by an idiot driver causes.

Re the above - you couldn't be MORE WRONG.

OP I have a lot of his with exh - he thinks I can control my eldests every move.

We used to - while together and apart - have huge rows about my "lax parenting" and how if anything happened to him "it would be my fault because I didn't care about him properly".

This could be about anything. Eldest is older teen now and exh has real issues accepting he isn't 5.

Eventually - I just gave up trying to get through to him make him understand eldest is growing up.

Now I just repeat - like a stuck record - "that's your opinion, I fundamentally disagree with you, you still think he is 5, if you want to try to police whatever ridiculous suggestion he is making that, go ahead and try but don't try to make me enforce something I don't agree with".

Over and over until it sinks home I'm not going to comply with him.

He doesn't mean any harm - but it's so easy for the to try to get us to do these things because it's means they can't dictate unenforceable rules with no consequences to themselves.

Also I would - and did - vocaly point out how disgusting I thought telling me if would be my fault if eldest had an accident was. Calmly, very coldly.

Eventually he said it one too many times (while still together) and I stopped speaking to him at all - froze him out and answers everything with "I'm not talking to you until you apologise".

It's an absolutely dreadful thing to say to someone and the ultimate in emotional blackmail.

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:29

So he has taken his decisions and expects everyone to comply?

He does realize that it's not going to work with a teenager does he?

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:29

*He doesn't mean any harm - but it's so easy for the to try to get us to do these things because it's means they can't can dictate unenforceable rules with no consequences to themselves.

Limelight · 12/04/2012 09:30

Oh dear. Poor you! TBH I'm not surprised she's a bit wary too. If there's been some talk at school and your DH is expressing concern too, then she's bound to take it on board in some way.

I can completely understand your DH being concerned but at the same time I think this might be one of those pick your battles moments.

Ultimately she's going to get in the car with her BF and just not tell either of you about it. My concern would be that that sets a precedent. Your DH gets a reputation amongst your DD's friends as being a bit 'over the top'. DD's BF talks openly about how they can't do anything because your DH will do his nut (or whatever it is our youth are saying these days! Blush). However nice the BF is, these conversations will happen and it all equates to a quiet pressure on your DD from her BF/friends and pressure from your DH too. So she'll keeps things secret rather than get into a big discussion about whatever it is she wants to do. It's been happening to teenage girls since the stone age (it's certainly what I did with my overprotective parents).

I guess I think that your instincts are right OP. She's going to do this anyway and you want to be a supportive presence and someone she will go too if anything else is going on. Going to the nth degree about this doesn't allow you to do that.

Who'd be a teenager eh? Smile

QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 09:31

Agree with GoOn You need to talk as a family before she goes out in the car.

The other thing is if you say no for now that doesn't mean she is not allowed forever. Maybe dh does need to talk to the boyfriend. I have always done this with my own DDs friends even before this accident. If dh talks to him and finds him sensible he will be reassured and probably let dd get in the car. If the boyfriend reacts in an immature way they is an indication he isn't mature enough to be carrying passengers.

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:32

You know OP - I am actually quite angry on your behalf - it cuts to the very core of your being - when they use this tack.

You can't reason with the unreasonable - it's not worth trying.

therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:35

quick the diff between talking to DDs friend and a new BF is you usually know the friends already - as opposed to a BF - if I did something like this with someone new - eldest would be a) raging b) more secretive and most importantly c) stop bringing people over.

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:35

I get the feeling that the OP's DH will not be open enough to really acknowledge that bf might be a safe driver.

I have to say I am Shock that your DH think it's OK to judge someone's driving wo having being in a car with him. Hmm.
How does he know he is a dangerous driver??

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:37

I was livid last night when he said 'well if anything happens it's ALL your fault' I mean how unfair is that. I am angry enough but also confused because i want her to have a life and not be any pressured than she already is about school exams etc.
And like therewasatime says, you can't reason with the unreasonable but he would just turn this straight back at me and say 'you think I'M being unreasonable, I'm surprised at YOU for even thinking it's OK for her to do this'
Thank goodness people on here are talking to me about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:38

GoOnPitch my DH is actually a rubbish driver, I am always nagging at him for being in the wrong gear, he doesn't listen to the engine so the funny thing is the BF having just passed his test maybe a while ago may be a better driver!!

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:43

So it is also a case of 'do what I say but not what I do'.....

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:44

My DH would never admit to being a poor driver!!!

OP posts:
GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:44

Perhaps suggest that he should have driving lessons because he is a bad driver and you are worried about your dd being with him?

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:46

x post.

of course he isn't! My dad is like this but he would have never stopped me fom seeing a friend or bf in this way.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:47

But what of later today, the plan being they will go somewhere if the weather is bad can you imagine when he gets in from work later and finds she gone out in the car with him, what then?

OP posts:
Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:48

I just feel in a right dilemma and that the responsibility has now all been passed on to me. But I guess that's how he'd like it to be so I can be shouted at.

OP posts: