to be worried about my DD going in her BF car?

[oldermummy11]

My daughters 16, her BF 17 nearly 18 and my husband is forbidding her to go in his car as he doesn't know what he drives like and also he thinks she may get giddy and distract him and cause an accident. It's a new relationship and she has told him herself she's a bit aprehensive about it.
Would you let your daughter do this? My husband says if there's an accident and I let her it's all may fault.

oldermummy11 As an older parent myself I can feel your pain. We do worry more, we can't help it because we can see danger at every turn, cos we have seen it all before in real life. I try to tell myself not to be anxious and to "let them go" but quite often when I do that they get themselves into scrapes and accidents. Point is, no one else looks after them like you would.
How sensible is your DD? Would she fasten her seat belt? Does she know what to do in case of a breakdown or accident? Is she calm in a crisis? A lot depends on her as well as BF. Would she be strong enough to tell him not to drink and drive, for instance. A lot of stuff to consider here. You know your own DD better than anyone. Maybe she has misgivings and is hoping you or your Dh will put their foot down. Hope this helps.

Also the more I read the more I think think this is about a battle of wills - he has "told" you what to do and is losing sight of reason.

OP: On the one hand I was driving at 18 albeit on country roads, had boyfriends from 15/16 who had cars - well two at that age. But they were sensible boys from good local families and my family knew their families. My parents, including my stepfather, would have been very reticent to have let me get into just any boy's car.

On the other hand, I can empathise as have a 17 year old boy currently learning to drive and have to rationalise my fears on the basis that he's a sensible lad but I'm not sure how he would cope with the distraction of being a new driver and having a teenage gf in the car or other friends who whilst nice would be noisy.

I think your posts have told you what you need to know - your dd is apprehensive, your dh is concerned that dd will do something giddy to distract the boy - which worries me because a sensible 16 year old should know better. I'm also not sure if you know the boy - if he is a nice boy and is genuinely interested in having your dd as a gf then he should be happy to go along with your wishes until you get to know him better. If he's not happy to is he the sort of boy you want your dd to be getting to know better.

But it's difficult to tell teenagers what to do or get them to rationalise danger.

Don't don't let her go. Teenage boys have the worst record for accidents and as you say u don't know him well. Wait until you do although I do feel that a car full of teenage boys is the worst combination as they tend to show off.

Both my older dcs(boys) could drive at 17 and are sensible but I didn't let them drive friends or girlfriends until they had a proven track record. New drivers are the worst as with the best will in the world they aren't experienced.

We recently had our 12 year old dd involved in a fatal crash, professional adult driver at wheel, so yes it can happen to anyone but teens are most vulnerable.

Totally agree with your dh.

Rezoltion Maybe she has misgivings and is hoping you or your Dh will put their foot down. Hope this helps.

Agree 100% with this

Ooh, I really feel for you. DD's BF is planning to sit his driving test soon. When she first told me he was having driving lessons (she's only 15 btw) my heart sank. However the thought of them going for SHORT trips in the car between our homes no longer worries me.
From a safety point of view I think it's much worse to be getting into a car with a group of young people - from the point of view of distracting the driver. Presumably your DD would not be impressed by her BF driving too fast or whatever- it would be scary for her and inconsiderate of him.

I would say to him...
Yes, I am concerned too why wouldn't I be?
She is 16....should make her own judgments and is sensible....
She has to grow and spread her own wings....
We can't stop her (nor so I want to) as this would lead to her not talking so openly and I don't want that....
We also can't threaten her with you obey me or you can't see him...
It's an inevitable part of life...

Re reading your post actually don't understand your problem.

Your dh is against it, your dd is apprehensive? What more do u need? Why are you even considering this??? Again agree with your dh and find it hard to understand how you could disregard his fears, she is his daughter as well.

Tell them to get the bus, train or taxi!!

Police knock on the door( which we had when dd was involved in an accident) makes one less blaze to life.

As he is aware of her concerns I would hope he respects that, I feel sure he would from what she's said. Yes she'd wear a seatbelt and drinking is a big no no. All of that.

I don't think for one minute it's a case of having others in the car and showing off I'd like to think that won't happen. Who knows..

thebody I do wonder why she is anxious about it when she has never been in a car with him as driver.

2 possibilities: she has picked up on her dad worries and the fact he is against it (as she KNOWS all the about her dad's reservation re car safety etc...)
or she has other worries (what is going to happen when we are alone together type of things).

What I think is that the DD should feel that she is free to choose what is OK for her. If she is worried and doesn't want to, she should say so (her choice). If she doesn't quite see a problem but is worried of her dad's reaction, then it is an issue.

older I would also add
You are NOT to use intimidating/controlling behaviour to make me do things that I don't agree with.

But u do know he's 17 so obviously just passed his test!!??

He's almost 18 so I'm not sure how long he's been on the road for, obviously less than a year though...

She's 16 so a
child!! It's up to parents to protect her. U can say no to teenagers, it is actually allowed! I have to my older 3 lots if times. Parents job is to protect as well as allowing to fly, can
Be tricky sure but for me this situation is a definate no no as could lead to serious consequences, it isn't if she can go to some party or other.

I don't know. The logical side of me says "depends on the driver" but unfortunately 2 school friends of mine were killed in a crash aged 15 (together with the driver and his friend). The driver was 18. The police said it wasn't recklessness but lack of experience that caused the crash- basically he just didnt anticipate/react as a more experienced driver prob would have. That is the issue I would have- lack of experience rather than craziness.

I passed my test at 17 and was only allowed to drive mates around on 30 mph roads for a year (i.e. no road trips/ dual carriageways/motorways)

"her dad says if she goes in his car she won't see him again"

Ahhh sweet naiveity

Sounds more like hes trying to exert a bit of control over DD because she is growing up and he realises she isnt his little girl anymore and he isnt the only 'man' in her life. If it wasnt the car it would be something else.

Maybe your DD is picking up on her Dads issue and thats why she feels apprehensive? My Dad once made a massive deal about me going on a school trip on a coach (there had recently been a pretty major coach crash with school kids on the news) and his reaction made me feel worried IYSWIM.

If I was you Id point out that it is his issue to reconcile with, and he does need to give her space to grow up otherwise she could rebel and end up doing things without telling you at all.

My dads answer to this was to teach me to drive and give me a car.
Not the cheapest solution and no help if you are 16 and you don't happen to have a spare car lying around. (Dads new job came with a car so I acquired his ancient Renault)

Far more sensible of your DH and you to say remember we are always on the end of the phone. If ever your lift scares you driving there or you think they are drunk we will come and get you.

Hairy, so are we not to day no to our teens in case they rebel?? I did and mine didn't. By that token then any risky behaviour accepted and cosseted just because our little darlings might decide well fuck u then, u said no so off to screw heroine in my eyeballs.

Incidentally totally understand your dads response, we been there exactly with our dd, and have to overcome it of course.

But op asked if teenage daughter should b driven by teenage inexperienced driver, no no no IMO.

I haven't read the whole thread, but in your shoes I think I would want the father to "have a word" with the boy, using the fact that he is in the police. Something along the lines of "You stick to the speed limit and drive sensibly. If you don't you can be sure I will hear about. I've got eyes everywhere in this town - I've asked some of the lads down at the station to keep an eye out for you". And to tell her to wear a seatbelt and to be sensible when he is driving.

If my dad had banned me from doing something at that age, I would immediately have done it.

By the by, at 18/19 I was driving 150 miles from home in London to university in Birmingham, around the M25, up the M1 and then through Birmingham city centre.

Do try and find out about his driving if possible. Not trying to stress you here but years ago my sis went out with a total wanker who always drove too fast. She usually sat in front passenger seat however one night he gave his mate a lift so he was up front sis in back. They let her out first, then two guys drove on and had a really bad accident, driver broke legs and pelvis, guy in passenger seat was destroyed, in hospital for months with major injuries. Sister was very shaken as she knew damned well she could just as easily have been in car. Hopefully your DD's boyfriend is lovely and sensible but do try and snoop.

Thebody - no Im not saying that at all . In this case he is saying no to his DD travelling in a car because he has a problem with it, she could easily do it without telling them, thats all Im saying.

Approaching this situation with a balanced, sensible view is absolutely NOT the same as telling our children that we dont want them taking drugs

And FWIW I also understood my Dads response, I wouldnt have understood if he had gone ahead with his threat of not letting me go on the trip and my mum and myself probably just wouldnt have told him the next time there was a trip to save us the hassle of arguing with him.

Infact having read the OP again I think your DH is a prize prat. Hes not giving her much credit if he thinks shes going to get 'giddy' and cause an accident.

Presumably she is not a cave person who has never been in a car before? Why would she get giddy? . All sounds a bit "silly little girl" to me, not great is it?

oldermummy Maybe you could talk it through with BF better if you met him? Maybe with your DH it is fear of the unknown? He might be a really reliable young man who is a good driver. The Examiner who passed him obviously thought so. Also have a chat with him about the circumstances .. eg will he be driving on motorways, long distance, late at night, in a city etc. The where and when you drive makes a huge difference. Also chat with your DD and get her to hang back a while. She is young and maybe the BF is pushing the boundaries a bit, wanting her to go off in his car etc. She might be feeling scared and vulnerable too.

Ok, so I'm currently 22, when I was 16 I got with someone a year above me, and he drove. I new my dad wouldn't allow it so I got my bf to pick me up from up the road until I managed to tell them the truth. He was a fast driver and has put fear into me as we had an accident, wrote his car off I was injured but nothing major. Basically what I'm saying is she will most likely go in his car with permission or not, trust her.
I can't give much advice as I don't know your DD or her BF, maybe have a word with him?
I do think her dad is being a bit OTT, but I think dads are protective over their daughters anyway, my Dad was terribly protective.

thebody in less than 2 years she will at Uni.
She will have to make choices on her own.

Do yout think it's better to let her choose now and guide her through the process or just forbit something, not give her the opportunity to explore what is Ok or not and then let her have to make that choice on her own?

Because in 2 years time, she will be a bit older but do you think she will say 'Oh no, you have your driving licence for less than a year so I am ot going into the car with you' when she is on her won at Uni?
Do you think that these 18yo will be less than dangerous then?

What I advocate isn't to let her do whatever she wants but to help her make choices now so that she is more able to do them later when she will really take her decisions by herself.

That's what's educating is about. Giving enough leaway to children so they can learn and be well armed to live their life well, make choices that are the best for them at that time. The Op's dd isn't going to learn if someone always takes decisions for her.

I personnally think the OP's H has more problem with his dd growing up and giving her some independance than with the driving itself (even if I do get it is a source of worry for him).