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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about my DD going in her BF car?

165 replies

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:29

My daughters 16, her BF 17 nearly 18 and my husband is forbidding her to go in his car as he doesn't know what he drives like and also he thinks she may get giddy and distract him and cause an accident. It's a new relationship and she has told him herself she's a bit aprehensive about it.
Would you let your daughter do this? My husband says if there's an accident and I let her it's all may fault.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 12/04/2012 08:09

He is NBU but is being unrealistic. But it depends on the boy and how responsible you think he is.But "giddy and distract him" - what's that about?

I suspect this isn't about cars abut about boys.....

TitsalinaBumSquash · 12/04/2012 08:10

Tbh, although I understand every parent will worry to a certain extent about their child, this might be a case of letting her do normal things teenagers do and spread her wings a little.
Out of interest, would it be the same feelings if she was going in a female friend's car? Or if an older person had just past their test and she was going with them? I'm just trying to work out if it's a problem because it's her bf and because he is young?

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:11

He thinks I'm absolutely mad to not think the way he does, and then I will get the usual, 'you're not backing me up on this one' and I can see it creating a huge row. What can he do, I can guarantee he can stomp and shout make himself look an idiot by causing a scene in front of her new BF - which will make her look bad to her new BF.
Whilst I am also concerned, I think you have to give the boy credit and trust but my DH won't trust any teenage boy no matter how sensible. Sad isn't it?

OP posts:
Pooka · 12/04/2012 08:12

The one passenger rule sounds like a good idea. But really that should be coming from his parents.

I agree with previous poster that all you can do is emphasise that you disagree with him, (of course you can be worried but you cannot ban this IMO) and that if he wants to kick off at her, then he's on his own.

Telling you that would be your fault if anything happened is pretty low by the way. Not fair.

wishiwasonholiday · 12/04/2012 08:15

Yanbu to worry but there are loads of terrible drivers out there, such as the lady who I saw drive straight into another the other day as she didn't see

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:17

Pooka, thank you for that. I also think it's low but he doesn't. I am glad I can get people's opinions on here cos sometimes I just think it's me when I actually think it's my DH this time.
As to if it's someone like a GF being a new driver I dunno, I just think he thinks he's a boy racer. Well time will tell, namely by the end of today so I feel a bit fraught just now.

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Pooka · 12/04/2012 08:18

Do you have any boys? It seems such a shame that despite himself being sensible and compliant as a youth, he is still so down on teenage boys who IMO get a bad rap because they can be lovely and sensitive and are not all joyriding speed monsters.

That first boyfriend I had? He was lovely and did what his parents told him and a bit serious. Maybe too serious - had a lovely vw beetle and had rules about how his friends should place their Leather jackets in his car in case the studs scratched the interior! His father was a car nut and had drummed it into him... Grin

Pooka · 12/04/2012 08:20

X-post. No worries op. such a difficult situation to deal with for you.

But he is being unreasonable.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:21

She is an only child ....I know they get a bad rap, I'm not like that but he is, I think it's partly cos he see's such stuff with work.
I just don't want him to look an idiot in front of new bf.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:23

In his opinion he is right and end of. How can I change that?

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HandMadeTail · 12/04/2012 08:28

If he works for the police, his opinions are probably warped by that. If he is seeing car accidents all the time, he forgets about all the safe journeys being had, as well.

It's so hard letting your children grow up, though........

mrsred · 12/04/2012 08:30

I dot have teenagers, but frommy recollection when i was one, my parents had the attitude that i was sensible and clever enough to make my own decisions which ibthink in turn built my confidence to make my own decisions, e,g who to accept lifts from etc, i also know that at any time of the day or night one of my parents would come to collect me from anywhere, which meant if driver had got silly, or had a drink i could have always called them, i never did have to, but it is perhaps better to offer a back up plan than putting up barriers in terms of rules, as your dd will soon, if not already be too old to be told what to do. I do think your dh is being unreasonable, perhaps a better approach would be for him to share his concerns with her and to offer lifts for longer or late journeys for both of them.
I had lovely bf when i was 17, he was 18 and his parents used to lend them their much larger and safer car if we went in longer journeys! He had a miniGrin

mrsred · 12/04/2012 08:31

Apologies for lack of paragraphs... Not quite used to tablet internetting yet!

dexter73 · 12/04/2012 08:35

My husband has the same feelings as your dh. He read an article which said the the largest killer of teenage girls was being in a crash in a car driven by a teenage boy. How can you stop them living their lives though?

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:35

Yes I agree, she is at the age where she must make her own decisions, he forgets how old she is I think and she is a sensible girl, she knows I am always here for her should she need a lift, it's just something we have always agreed on.
My DH will share his concerns but he will lay down the law saying you are NOT going to....he has a temper and shouts so which is why I really don't want a scene here.

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Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:36

Dexter, exactly how can you stop them? Hell it could happen if my DH was driving who knows?

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mum47 · 12/04/2012 08:38

I don't think your husband is being unreasonable, but he is being unrealistic. We all remember being 16, and she will do it anyway. I do understand his concerns. We have a couple of teenagers at the end of our road who have just started driving. Our road doesn't have a pavement. Last week one of them came flying up the road and had to screech to a halt at the junction. My son was just about to come home and all I could think of was that if he had been turning the corner he would have been squished. That said, not all 17 year old boys are like that. Why not spend more time with him and talk to him (in a vaguely threatening manner)about the concerns. This will of course lead to mortifiation on your daughter's part. Who'd have teenagers?

NoMoreInsomnia12 · 12/04/2012 08:41

YANBU - 16 - 25 is the most risky time for road accidents, either driving yourself or as a passenger. Some boys also show off more & drive even worse when there is a girl in the car. Dangerous combination of over-confidence plus lack of ability. I think you should ask your daughter whether she feels safe with the way he drives. Also observe yourself - does he bomb down the street before screeching to a halt outside your house?

Also I think your husband is BU with his "On your head be it" attitude.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:41

Mum 47 Yeah, thing is, I don't think it's my/our place to sit and talk with him about his driving, who are we to do that, he should be a responsible person and I am sure he is it's just my DH. Hopefully if things progress then we can spend more time with him and get to know him but these things take time and my DH is likely to fly off the handle meantime.

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Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:43

Sorry but is there somewhere I can fins out what abbreviations mean like YANBU and BU, I am new to this!

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MadamFolly · 12/04/2012 08:43

Tell him he has to pick them up and drop them off wherever and whenever they want if he won't let her in BF's car.

Betting he won't like that.

MadamFolly · 12/04/2012 08:44

YANBU = You Are Not Being Unreasonable

BU = Being Unreasonable

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:46

Madam Folly -thanks for that!

Also it would be me not him picking up etc, now I don't mind but he'd just say get on the bus, I mean the guy's nearly 18 and has his own car why would he do that?

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RedHelenB · 12/04/2012 08:46

Having known two parents who had a son & a daughter die in accidents involving young drivers (one had been drinking) I can see where your husband is coming from BUT it is not your responsibility to stop her at her afge - have the talk but ultimately it is her responsibility to make the decision of whether or not to get in a car with him. Bear in mind that driving tests are harder now with more hazard perception.

HandMadeTail · 12/04/2012 08:47

Just a thought, many teenage boys that I know are unable to get insurance without a "black box" in their car, restricting speed and giving a sort of driving curfew.

Does this not apply where you are?

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