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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about my DD going in her BF car?

165 replies

oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 07:29

My daughters 16, her BF 17 nearly 18 and my husband is forbidding her to go in his car as he doesn't know what he drives like and also he thinks she may get giddy and distract him and cause an accident. It's a new relationship and she has told him herself she's a bit aprehensive about it.
Would you let your daughter do this? My husband says if there's an accident and I let her it's all may fault.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 12/04/2012 08:47

Also, I think as parents you do have every right to talk to him about his driving if he is taking your daughter out & she is under 18.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:48

RedHelen - I agree with you.
Can you imagine though how my DH would make me feel if anything were to happen? Just because I didn't happen to agree with him?

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Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:50

I don't think the black box thing is compulsary.....

Red Helen do you really think we should talk to him? I for one would feel like we were attacking his driving abilities.....where would you start on that one?

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HandMadeTail · 12/04/2012 08:55

So, how's this?

Say, "if you ban her, and she ends up going behind our back and doing things we don't know about, and is too afraid to tell us about, and those things (drugs, drinking, getting involved with a prostitution ring!) cause her to to be injured or killed, it will be on your head!"

How will he feel about that?

mum47 · 12/04/2012 08:57

Fair point older mummy. Perhaps a lighthearted conversation about "in my day", learning to drive, amount of traffic on roads etc. Actually maybe not they will just roll eyes, glaze over and zone out but Red does make a good point about her being reponsible for making her decisions, so perhaps best to catch her on a good day and you, not DH, have a gentle chat with her. Good luck. I have boys, I dread the day when they want to get behind a wheel. I shall probably lock them in the attic until they are 37.

QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 08:58

Your dh is a policeman. He has almost certainly seen horrendous traffic accidents and he's knows the stats. The biggest cause of death in older teenagers is car accidents. I can totally understand where he is coming from. He is worried and frightened for his dd.

The fact she has said she is apprehensive would worry me. Why is she apprehensive? Does He know he drives like an idiot?

I'm afraid I have personal experience of this situation involving a 17 yo girl being killed. It has caused untold heartache to everyone concerned. It was very quickly established that the 19 yo driver already had a speeding fine and was known in his local area for driving like a maniac. He has just been sentenced for causing her death by careless driving.
I know this is probably incredibly rare but I feel I have to try to explain why your dh is so worried.

If your dd is apprehensive I would follow this instinct and say she isn't allowed in his car.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 08:58

HandMadeTail - you are absolutely right. I will state this to him but his point would be if she goes in his car she's not seeing him at all. How stupid does that sound.

OP posts:
HandMadeTail · 12/04/2012 09:00

Has he ever heard of Romeo and Juliet?

QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 09:00

Does she know he drives like an idiot.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:01

Quick look busy - yesterday she told him she was apprehensive, he asked why as everyone he gave lift to said he was a good driver and that he wasn't some Chav. Think he was a little insulted. The reasons she is feeling this was is at school they showed them horrific footage of accidents and next door but one had a narrow escape with death having gotten into a strangers car (drunken - completely different situation)

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 09:05

Has she actually been in his car yet?

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:06

Quick look busy - no she hasn't - probably will happen later today.......

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Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:08

Oh, it's so good to talk on here, makes me feel like people are putting a perspective on things when they can get blown out of proportion.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 12/04/2012 09:08

Tell him he has to pick them up and drop them off wherever and whenever they want if he won't let her in BF's car

That's the one. But this isn't about cars, it's about boys. He has to let go of his daughter someday.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:10

Whatmeworry -I thought that too however he has a more relaxed attitude to if she ever wanted him to stay over - better they do it here thank in the back of the car kind of thing. How odd is that?

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Whatmeworry · 12/04/2012 09:10

But if DD is nervous back her up too....

RedHelenB · 12/04/2012 09:10

I don't think it does any boyfriend any harm to know that his girlfriend's parents are protective - might make him think before he acts more. So. your daughter may be embarrassed BUT if he really likes her it wont' affect their relationship.If your husband is a policeman I suggest he does it.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:11

Course I would back her up.

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Rezolution · 12/04/2012 09:12

Her BF has not been driving long and probably is inexperienced atm. Why not say wait a bit until her BF has been driving six months or whatever. Don't say never, just say not yet. Your daughter's BF needs to prove his road sense first.
Fwiw I think your DH is right. He must have seen the results of bad driving and knows how easily things can go wrong.
On a personal note I have seen the devastation caused by teenage boy racers in our local area and the brokenhearted families because of it.
In my own experience we were nearly hit by a teenage driver
who was heading straight at us on the wrong side of the road, grinning and laughing with three mates in the car. I braked and managed to avoid a head-on collision, just lucky the driver behind me was far enough away to brake too. Our family day out so nearly turned into a tragedy.

GoOnPitch · 12/04/2012 09:12

How will you DH feel when your dd will take her own driving test? he is going to say 'No you can't drive until you are 25yo?' Would he be happy if people are refusing to go in the car with her on the ground that she is 'just 18yo' and therefore and a higher risks of accident?

I think your dd and your DH are getting over worried. She has seen a footage of car accidents and she is weary. That was the obvious intent of it but it has to be remembered that it is directed to drivers and people who are going to become drivers so that hopefully they will be more aware of the dangers and therefore safer in their driving.

Maybe the answer is for her to learn to trust her own judgement. If, after having had a ride with him, she feels unconfortable and unsafe, then she should avoid it just as she should do it if any other drivers even if they are 50yo. If she feels OK and you can trust her, why should she avoid it?

I am also concerned that she says she is worried even though she has never been in his car (did I get that right?). Is that possible that she is picking up on your DH worries rather than some real reasons to be worried?

QuickLookBusy · 12/04/2012 09:12

Ok well I'm sorry but because of my personal experience I would be with your dh with this one. I really would want to have more of a family chat before letting your dd go off against your husbands wishes.

Is it worth the fall out once he finds out?

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:13

Red Helen - He isn't a policeman, just works for law and order as admin. I think what you're saying is right though, it's just getting that opportunity at the right moment too

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therewasatime · 12/04/2012 09:16

I think bf will think you are nuts if you talk to him, dd will be mortified and never forgive you.

I understand DHs concerns but he is putting this on your shoulders because he knows it's unworkable really. Because hencant make it work he gets to blame you - I wouldn't wait for him to start having a go at you, I'd get in first.

If you try to lay down this ridiculous but understandable rule - it will backfire. You can't control a 16 year old in this way.

Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:16

Hmmmm it's really difficult.
I think she has to trust her own judgement and see what he's like as he knows her fears eh should be aware of this anyhow.
But the problem is when DH finds out I am dreading the fall out situation.

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Original poster
oldermummy11 · 12/04/2012 09:18

therewasatime - what would you do?

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