My DH's "loose a lover, gain a mother" comments are really getting to me.

[messagetoyourudy]

My DH and I have been together for 22 years, and we have 2 DS age 5 and 7 - so in the grand scale of things we have been together far longer without children than with children.
I can perfectly accept that life and relationships have their ups and downs, especially when you add children into the mix. But for DH if we don't have sex at least once a week (he'd like sex a lot more than that) he starts making the above quip..... and get's all gropey and feely which I in turn find even more of a turn off.

I just don't get why he feels the need to make the comment at all. It upsets me that as an adult he can't deal with the fact that sometimes the children's needs or my own needs of a little bit of personal space come first. It's like he is a child clambering for my attention too.

Lately, I have spent a month working pretty much full time in a very stressful job environment, DH has got a bad back which has meant I have been sleeping in the kids room as DH is snoring so much sleeping on his back. Funnily enough I haven't really felt 'in the mood for love'.......My DH has now been making comments like "well you wanted the kids, I didn't". It's making me pull away from him even more. I have tried to talk to him about it but he say's he's just joking.

It's making me really angry. AIBU?

This has made me physically shudder. "Frustrated" is a negative thing, One must never approach sex negativity and to grope someone out of frustration because you want to have sex with them is wrong. OP clearly doesn't want to be groped yet he continues to do it. It's wrong.

You quoted me out of context, my main point was this is not an isolated incident, there is clearly a background to this, and a buildup, and a vicious circle is occurring.

And IMO it takes 2 to tango, no one party gets to decalre "this is how it will be", and it needs sorting by both of them or else it will spiral downhill.

No relationship survives a prolonged lack of intimacy.

Dear God. I missed that. So that would explain why I'm constantly assaulted groped and subject to twattish comments by random men on the street/tube. It's all their wives fault. Silly me.

How is once a week a prolonged lack of intimacy? Intimacy doesn't have to be about sex. Does OP ever get a hug without him expecting it to turn into sex?

Why should anyone want to have sex with someone who shows them so little respect?

And plenty of relationships survive without sex (plenty of instances where people are ill and just can't have sex) - doesn't mean there is no intimacy.

I got no hugs and affection in my marriage. If I just wanted a cuddle it must mean I was up for sex. Sometimes, it just meant I wanted a hug.

No relationship can survive without mutual respect.

No relationship survives a prolonged lack of intimacy.

Of course they do. Yes sex is important but it is not the be all and end all. There are many situations where either partner has trouble having sex for months or years due to physical or emotional issues. Some people are unable to have sex at all and still have loving relationships. Sex is healthy, Believing you are entitled to it is not.

Intimacy does not equal sex.

X post with manic. Great post :)

yay ! Some voices of reason !

Excellent post Whatme.

Whatme Yes...one party always but always has the right to declare "this is how it will be" when it comes to sex...there can be NO compromise...unless both parties want sex then there should be none. A woman's body is hers...if her partner is unhappy with the amount of sex happening then it is BOTH parties right to discuss and work it out.

And "Buildup" or not...there is NO reason to push and grope and act like a fucking animal when it comes to sex.

You and me both LeQ, but you're missing the point of the OP entirely, we like our husbands' attentions because they don't turn into whiney toddlers if they don't "get" sex or make horrible comments about not having wanted their children - it's a whole world of difference.

I'm really aghast at the idea that some women think that because their partners 'grope' them and they like it, all women should be ok with any kind of groping from their partner. There is IMHO a difference between a loving touch and an unwanted grope.

Clearly the OP is unhappy about a number of things that are going on in this relationship. The OPs partner quite clearly is not on board in a partnership sense. and is a twunt IMHO.

Me and my partner haven't had sex for 12 weeks (have had a baby and had some issues). he has not once mentioned it other than the times that we've both said we miss it, to each other. He has not put any pressure on me whatsoever, and nor would I expect him to. That's because he's a decent and compassionate understanding man.

It's the "all right Jack" mentality, hairytale, isn't it ?

not a lot going on in the dept

Having been in a relationship with a man that used this kind of abuse in an attempt to grind me down and make me have sex with him (dur - needless to say it didn't work), I think those saying 'oh it's ok to be groped' are actually talking about something completely differnet, a bit of friendly groping banter between consenting happy partners.

Oh and before anyone says it, I was not abusing him by deliberatey 'withdrawing' sex. In fact I was doing ALL the bread winning, all the housework, washing, cleaning, cooking and everything else [mug]. I was fucking knackered and very unhappy in the relationship.

Oh I know what you mean hairy while I was pregnant I had placenta praevia and couldn't have sex from the 20 week scan onwards. My partner must be an absolute fucking saint to have managed not to hump my leg like a Yorkshire Terrier every night.

During my 4 pg's, I didn't have sex with my DH for the whole of the 3 trimesters, and for at least 6 weeks afterwards, so nearly a year each time

that's a lot of abstention !

he didn't complain once...his concern was for the health of the pg and for me

Got to say neither me or dh would b happy with once a week sex, i would feel very unloved if dh wanted intamacy this infrequently, and be very frustrated myself

your kids armt bsbies anymore at 5 and 7 and not generally in your bed or keeping you awake??

So yes your dh has said some stupid arse comments and not exactly making himself attractive but surely he snored for the last 22 years?

Sounds to me like you see yourself as a mum not a lover and he knows this and is angry and resentful, and by behaving this way he's pushing you away.

Talk, get a babysitter, go away for weekend, 22 years is a long time to give up on because of snoring and sex.

FFs fondle men ate not animals that implode without sex! If it's that bad they can masturbate.

Groping and being dramatic is annoying, don't blame you. I think once a week is normal when you're rushed off your feet. Although he might feel unwanted/undesirable, which you do need to speak to him about. Tell h groping doesn't do it for you and what would. Sounds like he's feeling hurt and undesirable but is approaching it in a childish manner to protect himself. Talking is always the first thing to consider in relationship problems. Mn can't help you.

I have no idea why Eggys post was deleted. She mearly said she didn't mind a bit of welcomed groping herself at times.

Nothing at all offensive LeQueen.

you need a little ditty that you can throw back at him.

to take off your pants, you must try some romance

lose a man, gain a child