to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

[kiki22]

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

I certainly didn't ignore any guidelines, however there are times when you absolutely cannot follow them. Or to follow them puts you at risk in other areas. You then find a balance you can live with happily that puts you at least risk either way.

Oh and ps breastfeeding baby for 6 months exclusively is a doddle as long as mum doesn't put herself first for these 6 months.

Oh yes, a doddle. Uhuh.

Bf for six months is a doddle?

What a load of shit! Absolute
Bollocks. I stayed in hospital 2 nights when I could have been out in hours just to try and establish bf

She wouldn't latch
Wouldn't
Suck
Was turning more jaundiced by the day
I was having panic attacks
Crying when it was approaching feed time as I felt a failure like I was letting her down. I had milk but little miss had other ideas

I wasn't enjoying my baby

So don't ever say bf is a doddle because that's the biggest pile
Of horseshit I have ever read on MN

So callmemrs were those links sensitive, serious and scientific enough for you or are fsids just a bunch of scaremongering do gooders? Btw, I presume you didn't leave your children alone in an empty house when you went back to work, therefore there would have been another adult who could have been present while your child(ren) slept? Where did I once suggest that work was a lifestyle choice? Obviously it is better if it can be the mother/father who is with baby, but another adult will still reduce the risk than if no one were present. Wouldn't you want to do that? Reduce the risk? I really don't get your problem with what I'm saying- I'm not making it up.

Sorry Rabbits ingnore is wrong expression. As you say the more exacting a guildeline is, the less likely people will be able to follow it.

Surely the point of the advice though is for it to have the most effect you must try to follow it as closely as possible?

No what I mean is that people tend to follow them to the best of their ability, but do have to take other things into account. Like I was unable to breastfeed and cosleep with my first, and he spent a lot of time away from me, but knew a dummy lessened the likelihood of SIDS, as did not having cot bumpers, placing baby on back, placing baby in the correct manner in the cot etc etc.

for example if the feeding advice is soley breast fed for 6 months, it can seem like a mountain to climb. So women may get discouraged early on and feel like the goal is unacievable,so a mum who might have stuck it out for 6 weeks or mix fed for longer end up ff.Similarly my perception is that people adhere to the back to bed advice, but if that changes to baby must not sleep alone for the first 6 months, some people will think I can't possibly manage that so they put baby in their own room. The research is interesting and needs to be incorporated but I am not sure a blanket "never leave the baby alone whilst sleeping" is the best approach.

"obviously it is better if it's the mother or father who is with the baby"

Bingo! A true insult to all the hundreds of thousands of mums and dads worldwide who work.

Naughtymummy - what on earth are you talking about when you throw statements like saying it isimpractical to solely bf for six months and your basis for saying that is that as only a small number of women manage to it must be so - total rubbish. The reason only a small number of mums solely bf is because many mums can't be arsed to keep up with bf despite the benefits and they give up and use the easy solution - formula. This is the real reason - we are just not allowed to say it.

Candy I know at least 5 women who were desperate to bf and either couldn't, had to express, has low supply, babies wouldn't latch.

Don't suggest it's lazy and uncaring mothers

Callmems - issues much? Of course it is far better if a baby is with their mum or secondly, dad first. Just because this fact cause you insecurity it f
Doesnt mean it is not true.

But better from a health as SIDS pov? Maybe not so much.

Why secondly dad anyway? A dad is just as important as a mum.

LilBlonde that's a bit uncalled for! No need to be so rude - Callmemrs simply pointing out, that yes, some mums need to work. And that we shouldn't be a slave to whatever guidelines (and only UK guidelines - France gives very different advice) are out there at the moment.

I think this whole discussion is a bit neurotic, actually.

Kayano - I'm not talking about mums who do everything they can to bf. I know women too who had to express etc due to attachment problems. My friend recently had her new baby in hospital with a heart condition and she did all she could to express and get the baby to latch when baby came out. But let's be honest most women give up at the first sign of a problem or just can't be bothered to bf because it is bloody hard work.

And I know because I had my own problems with bf that I worked hard to overcome so I know it's not easy.

It's only in the uk and ireland that bf for 6 months is seen as impractical or too hard or not possible. Why do women in other countries find it so much easier and have far higher rates?

Having breastfed and formula fed, I take exception to you thinking formula feeding is the easy solution. Far far more work to formula feed in my opinion.

I think actually many mums don't achieve six months feeding for much more complex reasons than because they can't be bothered.

Ah full house!! Mums first of course, dads a poor second and then leaving your child with strangers other carers, a very poor third....

No issues here candy- my children are all late teens and absolutely fine despite the fact that I - shock horror- had a job so wasnt in the same room as them for the first 6 months of their lives. I bf my children until over one year btw but i still find your comments about bf a total insult to mothers who struggle or are ill or can't bf for other reasons.

Kayano - no, in the first few months dad is not as important as mum as mum is the one baby knows best - and I am talking biologically. Mum's smell, voice and touch is most important.

callmemrs I don't think I have ever had a debate with anyone so childish and closed-minded in my entire life. You completely ignore well documented advice, only quote (and misquote) the cherry picked parts of my posts to suit your argument, haven't acknowledged the links you demanded asked for, and the one provided by another poster. You have also blatantly ignored the fact that I have repeatedly stated that this is a highly emotive and close to home topic for me. Either you are being deliberately obstinate and nasty for your own reasons, or you are extremely uneducated. I can't believe I've allowed myself to be brought down to your level but your attitude makes me sick. Please don't speak to me again and I'll return you the favour.

As an adopted child I disagree entirely and you are extremely narrow minded to assume mum always knows baby best

I disagree rabbits - I see it all the time. The bottle/formula feeding culture is so strong in this country because not enough women persevere to give their babies the benefit of breastmilk. I'm not talking about mums with real issues with bf that a doctor would say stops them doing so etc but the fact is, most women who stop bf early give up too easily

Hear hear kayano- lots of nasty judgemental stuff going on here from women who seem to be threatened by mums who allow other people (even shock horror the DAD!) to be caregivers to the child

I think a lot of women give up bf before 6 months because most of the people around them keep suggesting they do, the minute they complain.

Bollocks, my big, clever post of my complaints followed by thier responss just went nuts.

So basically, anything I ever say about bf to anyone other than dh, is generally met with either: "Why don't you give a bottle?" or "how about trying some food?" BF rates round here are generally crap, so most women look at me as though I'm mad when they ask how long I'll bf and I shrug and say: "Probably up until I go back to work, in a year."

Of course, the militant bfers at bf groups then look askance at that, and ask why I won't feed longer.