to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

[kiki22]

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

Bowerbird, please show me where (apart from my last post) I was rude - have you read this thread and seen the insults and disparaging remarks I've taken from callmemrs? I think Ive been fairly restrained up until now.

Oh my lord this has turned into a breastfeeding thread!- thought it started out about babysitting??
Anyways IMO the gm was doing her best for her grandchild & if op wanted to follow the rules by the book she wouldnt have left her ds with her mum at 9 weeks old.
But as callthemrs said peeps have to work-that is life & also some people do not have the room for a crib in their room. Sids is unexplained and still remains that way so what people will choose to do what they want until sids becomes an explained cause of death.
Dummies are supposed to be very affective in reducing risks but some babies dont take to them-is that mothers laziness too?

K - I am talking about the early months - ok, I'll rephrase it to the main carer. When I said biologically - when a baby is born, the person they will recognise most is their mum or the person who becomes their main carer - that better?

I like Candy I can't believe you just said that ! The vast,vast majority of parents want the best for their babies.What an inflammatory thing to say. FWIW I found bf a piece of cake twice. But know that not ev!eryone does

My fault I likened new SIdS advice to bf advice Im afraid. So sorry

SIDS categorically state that the use of dummies is an unknown factor in cot death - they cannot advise either way. There was some evidence a few years ago to suggest they may reduce the risk but this was never substantiated.

Lil - if I were you I would ignore silly fools who try and twist things - they are not worth it. You have been a voice of reason - unlike others!

In my case I weighed up the. Benefits of bf with the benefit of me ff, not having a panic attack and getting distressed at my baby

On paper I would have 'just given up'

In reality I feel I stopped myself having a breakdown, having another episode of anxiety (as I had when pg) and reduced the risk of me shaking a baby. A dr didn't tell me to stop, a midwife went against the guidelines and said it was ok. I'll never forget it as she really helped me and my family. I love my baby and the sense of both relief and failure had me so confused. For me it was the difference between anxiety and enjoying my beautiful new child

I'd love to know how many women you personally know who just gave up without trying.

I didn't know about the advice about sleep / naps in same room either, but I do now thank you Lil. I hope you are not too upset by this thread

callmemrs you rather rudely asked lil for links which she had already posted btw. You belittled and berated her for passing off her opinion as fact. Then, when she posted the links / proof that she wasn't just making it up again, you ignore it and go off beating another drum about working parents.

I think you owe lil an apology

Yes much better main carer x thanks

You can't believe I stated something so true naughtymummy? I stick by my posts completely. If more parents dedicated themselves to parenting better rather than rushing to get away from their babies or to formula feed it would be better and less selfish

OK, I will probably get lambasted for this, but maybe he doesn't need to be got up every time he 'just moans'. I am not advocating leaving a 9wo to scream the house down but babies wake up a lot and they need to learn to put themselves back to sleep on their own.

Nothing bad happened. DS got his bottles and he won't remember even if he did have to cry a little.

Kayano- don't let the nastiness get you down. We ALL do what is best for our FAMILY- and sometimes that means not always bf or being in the same room as your sleeping baby etc

Sorry kayano, I hope that makes more sense, I only said biological in terms of when a woman gives birth and keeps her baby as the baby knows her and develops with her. The main carer is of course the most crucial person biological or not x

I wouldn't call it rushing to get away from their babies...

I would call it 'allowing their precious babies to spend time with other close relatives who love them, want to spend time with them and have offered assistance as and how each parent chooses'

Thanks ilike and curry, I am going to go to bed now as its 23:30 here, and I've stupidly allowed myself to become ridiculously upset over a thread on a forum, when I told myself when I started posting that I wouldn't let it upset me. I may come back in the morning or I may not, I'll see how I feel then

This is not the place for this. I have apologised for mentioning bf.Thank you LBP for bring new (to me) info abour SIDs S to my attention. I hope I have not upset you. I am leaving now tAs I am not getting drawn about something so far removed from OPinto a debate

LilBlonde you wanted to know where/how you'd been rude. Here:

"Well as you're mid forties callmemrs you are obviously the oracle on all things parenting and you and your child rearing are/have been exempt from ever following guidelines or advice from those stupid, precious experts who carry out years and years of research! Well I'm pleased for you, congratulations!"
and
"Do you know what, callmemrs, you are starting to make yourself look foolish, stubborn and quite ridiculous"

Do I actually have to explain why this is snide, sarcastic and rude.?

I realise that this is a sensitive subject for you, and I sympathise, but can't you can't engage in a lively discussion in a civilised way? If not, perhaps if this really gets under your skin, you should avoid this kind of thing on mumsnet - there are some subjects that I can't really trust myself to post about either.

Bowerbird, I think Lil has been remarkably restrained in the face of extremely upsetting hectoring and rudeness tbh. I would've been ruder if I were her, especialy as it is so very obviously a subject very close to her heart. So give her a break eh?

Night Lil - try not to let it upset you though I know that can be hard x

Bower, I've already said I'm going to bed as I'm too upset now, but maybe you should read how I've been treated, accused of passing off my opinions as fact, scaremongering over a sensitive and serious issue, trying to win mummy of the year award because I'd rather try to prevent SIDS, making myself out to be some sort of martyr etc etc etc. I could have said much much more, but I've decided to remove myself from the debate for the time being, partly because it's 23:30 here, and partly because I'm emotionally exhausted.

Night naughty, night curry. And thanks again x

No one can say what is 'best' for anyone elses baby. Surely it's not that difficult to understand that research can only draw generalised conclusions into which people factor their own circumstances. If a family are going to lose their home by giving up work, the risks of that scenario are GREATER than the risk of not staying in the same room with their baby for 6 months . Same applies with issues like bf.

Ah, so you do now admit there is research callmemrs

As I say, I think you owe lil an apology but you seem to have selective reading so I'll give up and go and make a coffee

No curry it's just that both felt passionately and both were rude to each other. So I would say there was fault on both sides so no apologies needed on this thread

Tell that to someone who would give their right hand to be living in a shit infested hostel with their live baby, than in their beautiful three bed semi without. Which risk is greater? That's it, I'm done.