to be upset DM left 9 week old alone all night...

[kiki22]

DS stayed over with my mum last night for the first time he is 9 weeks i know some may say this is to early and why would i want my baby to stay away but i am happy with him staying with his grandparents over night so don't need any advice on that it's what happened last night that i'd like opinions on.

When DS is at home he goes up to the bedroom to his crib about 7 and stays there alone untill i go to bed about 10 with the baby monitor on then is in the room with us the rest of the night. My mum has a bedroom for my niece at her house which isn't used as DN sleeps with DM the plan last night was to settle DS in the kids room and DN in DMs room then swap them at DS 12am feed i was ok with this as DSD would be awake until then.

What actually happened was at 12 they decided not to move the kids incase DN (5) woke up as 'she would be up for ages' at first i thought DSD co-slept in the single bed with DS which i wasn't very happy with anyway since he had his pram he could have slept in as need be but then i was told actually DM DSD and DN all slept together while DS slept down the hall on his own all night apart from his 12 and 4 feeds.

I am so upset not only because of the risks of cot death or any major problem that are unlikely but the thought of my tiny baby waking up all alone during the night. He quite often wakes and moans a little to be settled so even tho it didn't happen if he did wake he would have had to cry loud enough to wake someone sleeping in another room to be comforted by which point he would be very upset. AIBU or would you be upset to? I said something earlier which was brushed off but really feel like i need to tell her it's not acceptable and would like an apology tbh.

No I was asking for a link with the scientific research you refer to
Thanks

And yes, I am only too well aware that it is a sensitive and serious topic which is why I am so vocal and opinionated on it and take offense at being branded scaremongering and judgmental. Or even worse a martyr who is trying to win mum of the year!

What or who exactly do you think fsids consist of?

Fair enough turniphead, I suppose I must have been lucky that my three would all have taken their daytime naps in the lounge or out in the pram etc which is why I wondered why it would be impractical to be in the same room while they napped.

Ah right, no link

And I don't know why I bother, but here is a link to explain about the £10m, yes TEN MILLION POUNDS worth of research that fsids have put into researching cot death and it's causes: fsid.org.uk/page.aspx?pid=259

Do you know what, callmemrs, you are starting to make yourself look foolish, stubborn and quite ridiculous. I linked many many threads ago to the official advice on day and night sleep for the uk. I can do the same for Australia where I am if you wish. The link is for fsids, the official researchers into the cause of sudden infant death syndrome. But no, you are in your mid forties therefore obviously know different. Well, in case you missed it - here it is again. fsid.org.uk/page.aspx?pid=420

callmemrs it is well documented, read the link LilBlonde has posted.

I cannot understand why people are so blasé about the FSIDS advice, it really upsets me.

Turniphead- don't worry, you are not doing anything wrong

Caring responsible parents take note of whatever guidelines are currently in place. They factor in that ANY research must always be considered in the light of all stakeholders

And most importantly they factor in their own personal circumstances

I could not have had my babies sleeping in the same room as me until 6 months because I was back at work. Of course, I could have decided to jack in my job to enable me to follow that particular guideline. Oh hang on- then my babies might have been homeless- and I'm sure there's evidence to show that babies brough up in hostels don't have such good outcomes...
Even if I'd been able to afford to give up work, I might now be a 46 year old stuck in a boring mundane job, depressed and fed up at having jacked in my career... Now I'm sure there's evidence to show that the mental health of the mother has a big impact on outcomes for the children...

In other words- read up the research if you want, factor in that this may well change in the light of new research, factor in that any piece of research is at risk of being biased depending on where the funding stream has come from- and then trust your own instincts. That's what good parenting is.

Your mum is probably one of those mums who is very tuned in to baby cries and she would probably would have heard him even if he were on the next floor - never mind down the hall. It is good though that you are thinking carefully about your baby and safety but I would really trust your mum on childcare. I would send her a big bunch of flowers,if I were you, she must be exhausted looking after all those little ones.

Thank you turniphead. It is frustrating to be disbelieved when in actual fact I know more than I would ever want to about SIDS. Sometimes I feel people are reluctant to believe these things through either fear, or on a more cynical level, it doesn't fit with their lifestyle or idea of parenting. :(

Both my dcs slept in their own rooms from 8 weeks. When they outgrew the moses basket. It is a bit of a PITA, as it means I spend most of night in and out feeding, but at least everyone gets to fall asleep - and have somewhere to sleep.

Dd naps in her room, mainly so she can nap as ds is so loud.

Thanks for the link. I think you are right LBP. It is absolutely about peoples expectations. I suppose the reality is that babies are designed to be with their mothers 24/7, but that does not fit in with the expectation of the majority of parents I see, where ff and sleeping through the night are expected. I

I want to post a great big justification of why I allowed my baby to sleep away from home once a week, but I won't because I think you can't possibly say what someone else should or shouldn't do as you aren't in their situation and don't know what they are facing. Risks have to be weighed up, and SIDS is not the only risk we face as new parents.

Sounds like you want everything your own way. You want to be able to leave your tiny baby so you can have a night out but don't seem to be able to accept that nobody cares for a tiny baby like the mother does. If you want your baby looked after the way you like then look after your baby yourself, 9 weeks is far too young to leave baby with anyone!

Not true mumma

Exactly rabbits. I wouldnt bother posting because you'll probably just be insulted by being told you're compromising your Childs well being to suit your lifestyle. I couldn't have had my children napping with me from 3 months because I was back at work. Oh of course, silly me, going to work is just a lifestyle choice isn't it....

There are risks to everything we do. Every time you take your child out in a car or pushchair there's a risk of a road accident. As a parent you weigh up the risks and make a sensible judgement within the parameters of your personal situation

Rabbit's illustrates my point exactly if people percieve guildelines as unachievable, then they will ignore them.

rabbits, no one need justify their parenting choices - its your business and no-one else's, but when people refute scientific evidence and millions of pounds of research to suit their decisions, it's a bit off. To then insult and ridicule someone for pointing out the risks of ignoring said research is just downright nasty. (btw, I am not suggesting for a minute that you did this, I am just a bit riled just now, sorry).

That guideline will be unachievable for a lot of parents and babies! They might have housework to do, another child to put down to nap in a seperate room, just need 10 minutes to themselves while baby is resting, need to nip to the wheely bin with a Hells stinking nappy like I just did.