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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is he?

191 replies

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 12:57

I'm really annoyed with my OH and i don't know if i'm being unreasonable or not.

Myself and my Ds (OH's child too) have been ill this weekend sickness and general feeling unwell. Not major can't get out of bed but still ill.

We had planned at least 1 day out this weekend but due to the weather and us being ill we haven't been.

Saturday i was sick and Ds had been sick the day before and had a bad headache. OH didn't come over all day he was digging out his driveway in the morning and then was asleep from about 2 till 7. I rang him at 7 to ask if he was going to come over and help me and that the boys needed feeding.

He came over with some tins of beans and potatoes (and ordered me off the sofa to help but eldest Ds took over and made me sit back down) and gave them that on toast. Not great but food and at least i didn't have to cook it after being sick when my older Ds made the younger one some soup for lunch. He didn't wash up just left the dishes. Ds finally got to bed about 9pm.

He did go to the shop and get me some essentials which i was grateful for. But then hasn't stopped going on about how wonderful he is helping me.

Yesterday was the same didn't see him until tea time. I was feeling slightly better so cooked a roast with sit down breaks in between when i felt woosy. He ate it then buggered off to watch tv. I told him i needed help with the washing up but he ignored me and just said in a minute. I lost my rag and then he sent my older Ds in to help me while he sat on his backside.

He said he was feeling ill so i gave him the benefit of doubt knowing how rough i'd felt.

Today i've found out he's gone to a friends house to paint her living room as a favour! We've barely seen him all weekend and he's back to work tomorrow. I'm so annoyed with him one for not helping very much when we were ill and going to spent the day helping someone else today for free.

OP posts:

onemoreminute · 09/04/2012 13:03

If you have a child together, why don't you live together ?

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 13:05

Long story short we've both got older children who wouldn't like to live together full time plus we both like our own space.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 09/04/2012 13:12

He doesn't sound like much of a partner to me. Good thing you don't live together.

Rilson · 09/04/2012 13:14

I wouldnt be happy with the ill situation at all,what a nob.Probably for the best that he doesnt live there.

AutumnSummers · 09/04/2012 13:16

YANBU. He sounds entitled and is behaving like a spoiled child.

NagooBunnytail · 09/04/2012 13:21

I don't get it.

What do you think he is unreasonable about? You wanted him to come round and look after you and not go on about it?
He did come round, but I am a bit confused, because I would have thought that if someone was a BF rather than a DH I would get to do the nice bits but I wouldn't have to hang around while they were ill, I could leave them to it. I have a fantasy about living alone, it's amazing

If you don't live together what agreement do you have about how he spends his time, looks after the DCs etc? Is he reneging on the deal?

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 13:30

His is my BF but he's a father too all i wanted him to do was look after his own child and feed him some dinner while i was ill. I was more than appriciative he came over but would have prefered him to have come over sooner if i'm honest. I'd be more than happy to be left alone to be ill but i'm not alone when i'm still looking after his child.

I would have liked for us to spent some time together while he was off too but now he's buggered off to help someone else. That's what's annoying me the most. He's always too busy to help me and spend time with us but is more than happy to do stuff for other people as soon as they ask. Once he spent an entire weekend helping someone move house but wouldn't look after his own son for a morning so i could do a car boot sale. He isn't as bad as that now he does look after him if i have to work on weekends and he took him out for a few hours shopping Friday.

OP posts:

Figarello · 09/04/2012 13:34

So you were looking after his children (as well as your own) and he did next to sweet fa to help? YANBU.

Sarcalogos · 09/04/2012 13:36

I understand why your upset. I would be to.

But it sounds like you both see the relationship differently- you want a partner and father to your son. Sounds like he wants a girlfriend and to be a good time/weekend dad.

If it was me I'd be reassessing my life. (sorry if that sounds harsh).

balia · 09/04/2012 13:38

I think they are both the parents of the younger child and the older one isn't his, rather than a SS, Figarello.

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 13:38

Figarello no i was looking after our child mine and his. I probably worded it wrong.

You could have a point Sarcalogos.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 09/04/2012 13:55

How old are the ds's ? I think that has quite a big bearing on this - mine are all perfectly capable of feeding themselves if I'm not available, but I wouldn't expect a 3 yr old to be able to.

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 14:11

The son we have together is 6 and my eldest son is 15.

OP posts:

MickyDodger · 09/04/2012 14:21

Are you sure you don't live together because he's a selfish, lazy spoiled brat?

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 14:24

That just made me laugh Mickey. One of the reasons we don't is because i know i'd be the unpaid slave.

OP posts:

Sarcalogos · 09/04/2012 14:26

So what's the future? In 5 years your older DCs will be grown. What's the plan then? If you still don't want to live with him, is this a longterm relationship? I wouldn't be happy, but if you are great!

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 14:34

I'm really not sure. He says about us moving in together once our older children have left home but i don't know if i'll ever want to. I am getting to an age where i do want to do the whole settling down thing at some point after vowing never to live with a man ever but i can't ever see us living together.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 09/04/2012 14:36

I'm sorry but he can't care very much for either you or his DS if he acts like this.

Why would you want to be with someone who you can't live with because he would be an utter twat to you?

JustHecate · 09/04/2012 14:38

Well. He's got a good life, hasn't he?

Sex, meals, maid service

and none of the things a man would normally do in a relationship. Like, erm, being there when needed.

And he can come and go as he pleases and leave you with all the shitty stuff.

What is it that he contributes to the relationship?

Originalplurker · 09/04/2012 14:43

Leave the bastard, oh you can't you don't live together erm, erm, what a weird set up, you either in or out in my book. You deserve better, you can't be. Letting him pick and chose what bits he gets to do.

Hope you are all better.

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 14:44

I'm starting to wonder dreaming.

Um he contributes..................

A meal at his house once every couple of weeks that his daughter cooks
He baths our son every night
He plays games of football with him
We go out for days out that he pays for
If we eat out he pays but if we get a takeaway it's usually 50/50 (although i cook for him every other one of these occassions)
He's very handy if something breaks or my car needs something doing to it

I can't think of anything else.

OP posts:

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 09/04/2012 14:45

I agree with every word Hecate says.

I can appreciate the appeal of being partners but living separately, a la Woody and Mia although look how that ended up, but surely there needs to be a discussion and agreement on exactly how responsible you are for each other and how the childcare works?

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 14:46

Thanks original plurker we're pretty much better now. I could still leave the bastard lol be easier than if we lived together.

OP posts:

Originalplurker · 09/04/2012 14:49

Sorry for being harsh sounding.

If this set up works for you normally then great. But he should have looked after you a bit more attentively than he did. Maybe you need to clarify what areas of your relationship/domestics are shared and separate.

Does this really work for you? Really?

Original poster

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 14:51

LadyClarice i think we need to have a chat about things. Our child has never slept over at his house on his own without me and that's only happened once in the last 5 years. He will very rarely sleep at our house but then he'll leave at 7am before our child has even woken up. If we go out for a few hours he'll drop us off and then go home we never spend a whole day together.

OP posts:

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