AIBU or is he?

[Superduperdoo]

I'm really annoyed with my OH and i don't know if i'm being unreasonable or not.

Myself and my Ds (OH's child too) have been ill this weekend sickness and general feeling unwell. Not major can't get out of bed but still ill.

We had planned at least 1 day out this weekend but due to the weather and us being ill we haven't been.

Saturday i was sick and Ds had been sick the day before and had a bad headache. OH didn't come over all day he was digging out his driveway in the morning and then was asleep from about 2 till 7. I rang him at 7 to ask if he was going to come over and help me and that the boys needed feeding.

He came over with some tins of beans and potatoes (and ordered me off the sofa to help but eldest Ds took over and made me sit back down) and gave them that on toast. Not great but food and at least i didn't have to cook it after being sick when my older Ds made the younger one some soup for lunch. He didn't wash up just left the dishes. Ds finally got to bed about 9pm.

He did go to the shop and get me some essentials which i was grateful for. But then hasn't stopped going on about how wonderful he is helping me.

Yesterday was the same didn't see him until tea time. I was feeling slightly better so cooked a roast with sit down breaks in between when i felt woosy. He ate it then buggered off to watch tv. I told him i needed help with the washing up but he ignored me and just said in a minute. I lost my rag and then he sent my older Ds in to help me while he sat on his backside.

He said he was feeling ill so i gave him the benefit of doubt knowing how rough i'd felt.

Today i've found out he's gone to a friends house to paint her living room as a favour! We've barely seen him all weekend and he's back to work tomorrow. I'm so annoyed with him one for not helping very much when we were ill and going to spent the day helping someone else today for free.

The words 'eat it' and 'cake' spring to mind ...

You do need a chat. Good luck and please, don't let him keep taking advantage of you and your child.

Thanks i won't it's time for a big chat i think. I'm so fed up with it all at the moment.

Look, you've landed a dud, here. You are basically a single mum who is occasionally seeing someone who happens to be her child's father. You don't have the benefits of being a single mum, ie he has the child overnight whilst you go out. I'm tempted to think he pays for your meal in public so that he looks good, whereas if it's in the house he pays for himself if it's ordered in or doesn't pay at all if you cook.

He is a lazy, entitled man and you deserve much better than this. What kind of man goes to sleep from 2 pm until 7 pm when he knows his girlfriend is ill and needs him to cook for his own son? Why didn't he say he'd have his son at his house until you were better?

I hope he is ill, now. Don't you dare help him if he is. I can't think of one reason why you should carry on in a relationship with him. Your life would only be easier. Oh and he could still kick a football with your son - splitting up wouldn't change that.

Can I ask whether he pays maintenance?

Imperial, as always, has nailed it perfectly.

Have that chat. You deserve much better than this!

So he spent more time at a female friend's house? Decorating for the weekend. What sort of relationship is that if he can spend that amount of time with her but not with you? Has he any other children besides the one(s) that doesn't get on with your older one? IMO he has someone else.

He's just rung me to say he's back from painting his friends house and his daughter is cooking dinner if we want to go over.

He was too busy working on his house to look after our son when i was ill.

He is feeling ill now but well enough to go and help a friend. I bet we'll have tea and then he'll bath Ds at his house so he doesn't have to come over here later.

Another thing that's really annoyed me this weekend i probably shouldn't post on here but here we go. He has a fetish which means me spending 2-3 hrs at a time focusing on his needs iykwim.

It works out roughly that we'll go out one weekend then the next weekend we'll have sex (but sometimes he'll try and squeeze that into a week day to get it out of the way) and then the next weekend will be his weekend for his fetish.

Twice in the last few months i've complained about how one sided this is and that it would be good to have my needs met for a few hours. Twice i have but it's turned into what he likes still not what i do.

Anyway this weekend was supposed to be his weekend but with being ill it hasn't happened. He said yesterday " I need a woman and your my woman but because you're ill i'll settle for X instead" !!!!!! X meaning a good couple of hours pleasing him. After his poor effort when i was ill it's the last thing i feel like doing.

Friend? Are you sure?

and - ew. Just - ew.

Why are you with this man? Honestly, why? Can't you see you are being used here?

Sorry Imperial i didn't answer your question i got a bit carried away. Yes he does pay maintenance of £100 a month.

He has 3 children as well as ours 2 that live with him.

I don't think anythngs going on with this woman. I'm not sure about someone else.

Oh super, this doesn't sound like you have a fair deal here and the arrangement doesn't seem to suit you anymore, how did this come about - did you chose this or did you have no choice. I think ,aye you are beginning toner
Aise you would like more in terms of commitment.

Which bit original?

Why on earth are you with this man? My mind is boggling at the thought of what 'X' might be (2 hours ?? ).

Oh my word.

GET RID.

He sounds utterly selfish and horrid. No, just no.

super the sex part, and general support when needed if the illness example represents what he is like over other things.

Don't you want someone you can be emotionally intimate with, as it doesn't sound like you are, do you love him? How strong are your feelings?

It's just kind of turned out that way the sex etc.

I do love him i think but lately i've been thinking a lot about our relationship and i don't think i'm very happy if i'm honest.

Right so you've got that far in your thinking. You need to pinpoint what it is you are not happy about and decided whether its worth having a conversation about it with him. Have you identified things that you would like or needs that aren't being met.

It maybe that's you are not in a position to take relationship further or to change it re olde children and living arrangements, do all the children get on or is it more about you having space?

I think there's a lot i'm not happy with. Everything seems so one sided and i'm fed up of it.

The children do get on but they wouldn't want to live together. Neither of us particularly want to live together either. We both like our own space and to be able to get away.

Oh please tell us what his fetish is. I can't see how anything wouldn't be boring as hell after three hours of you doing it to him. Please tell me it's not enemas.

Don't know why I thought of enemas!

No not enemas eww! Lets just say he has a smoking fetish and leave it at that. Nothing bum related lol.

Thank god for that. Either way, it sounds deeply boring and one sided.

I've tried to think of reasons why you might want to stay with him, but can't. Can you, OP?

I do like pleasing him in that sense but when it's so one sided i do get resentful and it's exactly the way he wants it down to the words i say. When i protest and ask for something for me it turns into what he wants too iyswim.

No i've got to say i'm struggling to think of a reason.

I'm going over there now for tea cooked by his daughter. I'm hoping he'll do something to redeem himself because i'm not feeling very good towards him.

Thank you for everyone for taking the time to reply. I'll be back later to update.

Oh before you go, don't forget he doesn't wash up in your house, so you don't have to do it in his! Just say, "In a minute..." then turn the tv up.

Super. First of all I hope you're feeling better and I hope he feels really rough

I also don't live with my DP although we've been together for 5 years and are very much committed. We don't have a child together but we have two each with previous partners. We don't live together because we both sometimes like our space and it doesn't suit our working arrangments (complicated) but also that we are happy as we are.

OK, that's out of the way.

So here's what my DP does:

• he cooks for us all - either at his place or mine
• we sleep together very nearly every night when he's not working away and put ourselves out to do that
• we help each other out with shopping / cokking / housework / errands / chores
• we split everything money wise 50/50 that we do together
• we care for each other and do nice things for each other

Do you spot any differences?

So while I don't think living apart is odd at all, I do think your arrangement is very one-sided

If you split, wold you honestly notive the difference? Apart from not having to spend hours on his fetish which I'm dying to ask about

What's a smoking fetish?

I'm home now he's bathing ds. We've had a nice couple of hours but I'm finding it hard to talk to him properly.

I don't know where to start regarding having the conversation. I don't want to do it with the children about. I feel like I've blown it all out of proportion and it's not so bad.

I didn't wash up but i did have to help dish it up as soon as i walked in. I don't mind that at all but he doesn't help me at my house.