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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is he?

191 replies

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 12:57

I'm really annoyed with my OH and i don't know if i'm being unreasonable or not.

Myself and my Ds (OH's child too) have been ill this weekend sickness and general feeling unwell. Not major can't get out of bed but still ill.

We had planned at least 1 day out this weekend but due to the weather and us being ill we haven't been.

Saturday i was sick and Ds had been sick the day before and had a bad headache. OH didn't come over all day he was digging out his driveway in the morning and then was asleep from about 2 till 7. I rang him at 7 to ask if he was going to come over and help me and that the boys needed feeding.

He came over with some tins of beans and potatoes (and ordered me off the sofa to help but eldest Ds took over and made me sit back down) and gave them that on toast. Not great but food and at least i didn't have to cook it after being sick when my older Ds made the younger one some soup for lunch. He didn't wash up just left the dishes. Ds finally got to bed about 9pm.

He did go to the shop and get me some essentials which i was grateful for. But then hasn't stopped going on about how wonderful he is helping me.

Yesterday was the same didn't see him until tea time. I was feeling slightly better so cooked a roast with sit down breaks in between when i felt woosy. He ate it then buggered off to watch tv. I told him i needed help with the washing up but he ignored me and just said in a minute. I lost my rag and then he sent my older Ds in to help me while he sat on his backside.

He said he was feeling ill so i gave him the benefit of doubt knowing how rough i'd felt.

Today i've found out he's gone to a friends house to paint her living room as a favour! We've barely seen him all weekend and he's back to work tomorrow. I'm so annoyed with him one for not helping very much when we were ill and going to spent the day helping someone else today for free.

OP posts:
wheredidiputit · 11/04/2012 13:27

AutumnSummers

Spike was in the series of the new Hawaii five - o

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 13:43

I've never given the maintenance issue much thought to be honest.

I have lent money off him like i said and again before Christmas to pay the rent. This was paid back straight away. I still owe him over 1k from when i moved.

He paid half for my car another 1k about 3 years ago.

He pays for holidays in his ex wife's parents holiday home, any days out and meals out etc.

He feeds us once every few weeks.

I pay for all Christmas and birthday presents for our son.

I feed him every single night that i pay for.

For about 2 years i fed all 7 of us daily which i paid for.

I buy all clothes for our son plus basically every other expense like dinner money etc.

OP posts:
MardyArsedMidlander · 11/04/2012 13:47

As far as I am concerned- if you are in a relationship and have a child together, you do not OWE each other money. You feed him every night? You pay your own rent? You buy all the clothes and expenses for your son? And in return he buys food every so often and pays for a holiday.

And he has the fucking cheek to complain you are working too much??????!!!!

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 13:53

He made me feel really bad about owing him money last night, i was left thinking i was a right scrounger.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 11/04/2012 14:00

He says you're a scrounger?

OP, you need to sort that out. Seriously.

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 14:06

No he didn't say it but that's what i felt like.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 11/04/2012 14:17

I'm really sad how this thread has gone Sad

OP, I really understand that you're not ready - but this man sounds horrible, honestly. What is it that you actually get out of it? He's just taking the piss, and you're letting him. It's all about him, so much so that you are conditioned into feeling guilty about owing him money when you really shouldn't.

wheredidiputit · 11/04/2012 14:18

I think you realy need to think very carefully what you are getting from this relationship.

It seems to me that you are giving him, both in emotional term and terms of how much it costing you in feeding him.

You shouldn't be feeding him. Does he only eat home when his daughter thier to cook and clear up. The £100 a month he give you towards the upkeep of your child, you are spending that and more on food for him. So in effect he is giving you nothing and costing you more.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 11/04/2012 14:25

OK. You're not a scrounger. You have no reason to think that. wheredidiputit sums up very nicely why.

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 14:36

He rarely eats dinner at home i cook for him every night. He says it's hardly hard or expensive to make a bit of extra dinner for him. But it all adds up he eats more than i do and then usually raids the fridge and cupboards afterwards.

I think my biggest problem is i don't like to feel dependant on people and i really hate it if people think i am. That's probably why i let him take the piss so much and almost have to prove i'm not a money grabber. Almost like you eat here for free and i won't say a word because it would look like i just want your money.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 11/04/2012 14:45

Fuck him and his money! Really, who needs what goes with it? I hate being dependent on anyone too, but you would be financially and emotionally completely better off without him.

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 14:53

I probably would to be honest.

I'm doubting myself now, when he was here last night it all sounded reasonable and now I'm not so sure.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2012 15:45

Despite all the extra information you've given OP, I stand by my last post, which I will repeat -

"Of course he is trying to persuade you you're in the wrong. He doesn't want anything to change, it suits him just fine exactly as it is."

In fact, the extra information you've given just reinforces my opinion. He really has it soooo cushy. He has you convinced that YOU are the scrounger, when he is feeding off you like a professional parasite.

"He says it's hardly hard or expensive to make a bit of extra dinner for him."
Well if that's the case, he can feed you and the DS's for the next month, can't he? Because it's hardly going to add to his expenses to do so, going by his logic.

I'm sure it did all sound reasonable last night. He'd have put in a great deal of effort to make it SEEM so. Considerably more than he's putting in to BEING reasonable.

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 15:57

I've tried to put his case across and not make it all one sided but everyone's saying the same still.

Does anyone think that last nights conversation is going to change anything? I have to give him chance to do that surely?

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/04/2012 16:14

"His case"? Presumably as explained to you by him? Except we have no attachment to him so can only look at the information as it stands. Maybe that's why we are saying the same still - because he is still feeding off you (literally as well as emotionally and financially).

OP ask yourself this - what would he do if you said to him that you would continue to feed him, but he has to do the food shopping from now on? And pay for it obviously. Even restricting it to the evening meals only. Do you think he would agree to this?

Sorry, but the only thing I think will come out of last night's conversation is that he may get to keep his cushy existence that little bit longer, if you let yourself be persuaded that you are the scrounger when that is what he is. Nothing will change. I mean, seriously, he thinks you owe him while he dines at your table every night and hoovers out your fridge?

balia · 11/04/2012 16:15

No, no one thinks last night's conversation is going to change anything.

He hasn't really said it is going to, either.

Work out what he should be contributing using the CSA calculator.

And FWIW, I don't think it is a sex fetish, I think the tight sod is just trying to save on the heating.

MardyArsedMidlander · 11/04/2012 16:19

A|rf at balia!

Why not suggest, as a fair compromise that he does all the food shopping? I mean, if it's not that much extra according to him, how could he possibly refuse?

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 16:32

There's no way at all he'd do the food shopping, not in a million years he'd just tell me i was psychotic for being so unreasonable to even suggest it.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 11/04/2012 16:43

Then that settles it. He's a prick.

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 16:54

What do i do now then? Give him chance to prove himself although he thinks it's all my fault? He thinks if i give up the business and get a proper job and lose some weight i'll be happier in myself and in our relationship. He might have a point about the weight but not about the business. He's going to spend more time with us and not go and help other people instead. He also said we were going to comprimise over the fetish clubs and he's going to meet my needs better. Oh and he's going to help around the house more and have our Son sleep over his occassionally.

What else can i do?

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 11/04/2012 17:03

He won't prove himself. Why should he? He's got the life of Riley mate.

Just consider this. Do you really want a partner that thinks you're psychotic and unreasonable for asking him to go food shopping? Really?

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 17:05

No not really when you put it like that. I'm going to suggest the food shopping tonight, don't think it'll go down very well.

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 11/04/2012 17:08

Sorry my answers are so short, I'm on the bus Grin

Listen, I've had a similar situation, it nearly drove me over the edge tbh - I just feel for you, you have no idea how much better it would be if you got rid x

Original poster
Superduperdoo · 11/04/2012 17:12

That's ok i'm just glad someone's still listening to me rambling lol. I do apprieciate all the advice. I'm seriously rethinking things.

OP posts:
coppertop · 11/04/2012 17:25

Has he said what he's actually going to do to change the current situation?

I agree with everyone else that he really has no reason to want to change. For a measly £25 a week he's got:

  • someone to take care of his child 7 days a week,
  • all of his child's clothes, presents, food and other expenses paid for.
  • Someone to cook for him and provide the food.
  • Someone to clean up after him while he's at your house.
  • The freedom to go to his own home whenever he pleases.

And yet somehow he's managed to twist this around so that you're the scrounger? Confused