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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU or is he?

191 replies

Superduperdoo · 09/04/2012 12:57

I'm really annoyed with my OH and i don't know if i'm being unreasonable or not.

Myself and my Ds (OH's child too) have been ill this weekend sickness and general feeling unwell. Not major can't get out of bed but still ill.

We had planned at least 1 day out this weekend but due to the weather and us being ill we haven't been.

Saturday i was sick and Ds had been sick the day before and had a bad headache. OH didn't come over all day he was digging out his driveway in the morning and then was asleep from about 2 till 7. I rang him at 7 to ask if he was going to come over and help me and that the boys needed feeding.

He came over with some tins of beans and potatoes (and ordered me off the sofa to help but eldest Ds took over and made me sit back down) and gave them that on toast. Not great but food and at least i didn't have to cook it after being sick when my older Ds made the younger one some soup for lunch. He didn't wash up just left the dishes. Ds finally got to bed about 9pm.

He did go to the shop and get me some essentials which i was grateful for. But then hasn't stopped going on about how wonderful he is helping me.

Yesterday was the same didn't see him until tea time. I was feeling slightly better so cooked a roast with sit down breaks in between when i felt woosy. He ate it then buggered off to watch tv. I told him i needed help with the washing up but he ignored me and just said in a minute. I lost my rag and then he sent my older Ds in to help me while he sat on his backside.

He said he was feeling ill so i gave him the benefit of doubt knowing how rough i'd felt.

Today i've found out he's gone to a friends house to paint her living room as a favour! We've barely seen him all weekend and he's back to work tomorrow. I'm so annoyed with him one for not helping very much when we were ill and going to spent the day helping someone else today for free.

OP posts:
MardyArsedMidlander · 12/04/2012 08:19

Actually, I think being self employed is MUCH much harder than a 'proper' job- and I have done both. My current job is immensely stressful- but when I finish for the day, I can just come home and switch off. And all the other stuff like payroll, taxes and IT support is taken care of.
When I was self employed, it was basically 24 hours a day, 7 days a week- and no security of a montly pay cheque. And you have to work when the work is there- you can't take time off.

Superduperdoo · 12/04/2012 08:42

My head's still a mess, he text me this morning saying lets talk tonight no arguing. i replied i think we need a break for a few days i can't think straight.

OP posts:
Catsu · 12/04/2012 09:02

Good idea to have a few days apart to think.
It seems to me that the important fact is that you are not happy with how he treats you. he can argue till he is blue in the face that you 'should' be happy and that it's your own fault you are not happy. That will not change anything!
Pretty much everyone on this thread has said that they also would not be happy being treated this way. Pretty much everyone would be even LESS happy than you are! So you are not being unreasonable in asking him to be more thoughtful and involved in your lives.
He is not going to change his attitude though. However much ground you gain in terms of twisting his arm to look after ds for a night or do the washing up, he will still do it grudgingly and will tell you that you are so lucky he is helping so much etc. His attitude will not change and it's the attitude that's making you unhappy!
Your choices are basically to break up with him (and be better off all round IMO) or stay and 'pretend' to be happy to keep the peace.
I know which I'd choose!
Good luck

Superduperdoo · 12/04/2012 10:15

I'm going to take a few days to think about things. I'm going to do some work then take the boys out this afternoon.

One minute I'm thinking I'm going to leave the bastard and the next I'm thinking it's not so bad.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 12/04/2012 10:48

Good for you! Stay strong.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2012 17:10

That's a good plan Superduperdoo. Just live your life and enjoy your sons. Sometimes stepping back from a situation lets my thoughts form more clearly than trying to force them.

Superduperdoo · 13/04/2012 18:38

Oh god i feel sick!

He's just come to pick up DS to have him over night and was horrible. He got Ds's car seat out of the car then chucked the keys at me. He said he's going out tomorrow night as well. I don't think i've got a choice in the matter anymore i don't think there's any going back and i'm not sure i want it to be over.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2012 18:53

Ah, so he's making sure to be in your face - he really doesn't dare leave you any space to yourself to think. And as for being horrible - well, that's his real face, isn't it? Remember Superduperdoo, he's been working on you for a lot of years, he knows how to push your buttons - he placed most of the on you.

Superduperdoo · 13/04/2012 19:00

I haven't seen him since Wednesday and since i asked for a break he hasn't even text me except for about picking up Ds. He was so cold it was horrible. I have enjoyed this time to myself but now i've seen him i just want to tell him to forget it all.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 13/04/2012 19:00

You are seeing the real him. he is showing you what kind of 'punishment' you will get for crossing him, oooh and 'going out' thats supposed to make you feel all insecure isnt it?

This is the real him though be assured of that.

What a pisstaking arsehole he is and he knows exactly what hes doing doesnt he?

Superduperdoo · 13/04/2012 19:13

He's just rung to apologise for chucking the keys at me. He was sweet as pie on the phone. I'm more confused than ever now.

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 13/04/2012 19:24

I'm more confused than ever now

Thats his plan.

The treatment he just gave you [throwing the keys etc] was a warning now hes offering you the opportunity to 'behave' yourself and be a good girl.

Hes really not a nice person.

southlundon · 13/04/2012 19:25

He is controlling you Super - you just said you have enjoyed this time to yourself and he's made sure he's stormed into what is meant to be a break by acting like a bastard, getting you thinking that you want him back and now being nice again to cement your feelings.

Superduperdoo · 15/04/2012 15:00

You're all probably fed up with me by now.

We had a chat Friday on the phone and he told me how much he loved me and didn't want to lose me and could we try again. I said we could and i felt much better.

Yesterday he still had ds until the afternoon because i had a work event to go to. I picked up ds and stayed at his house for a while. We didn't really discuss anything then he came to my house to spend the evening. Everything was fine but again we didn't really talk.

I woke up this morning thinking I've made a big mistake.

Why can't i just make my mind up and stick to it?

OP posts:
AmberLeaf · 15/04/2012 17:17

Its not easy to stick to when you are being manipulated, you have to take what he says with a pinch of salt.

He sounds like he just wanted to smooth things over and get back to 'normal' he doesnt sound as though he will change any of his behaviors.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/04/2012 00:40

"Why can't i just make my mind up and stick to it?"
Because you are human. Don't be so hard on yourself! You have been in this situation for YEARS, he has had plenty of time to train you to respond exactly as he wants you to. He appears to know exactly how to unbalance you, and he'll keep doing it so that he can maintain the status quo - he, after all, has exactly what he wants and doesn't want it to change. You need to keep asking yourself - "Do I have what I want from this relationship? Does it make me happy?"

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