AIBU or is he?

[Superduperdoo]

I'm really annoyed with my OH and i don't know if i'm being unreasonable or not.

Myself and my Ds (OH's child too) have been ill this weekend sickness and general feeling unwell. Not major can't get out of bed but still ill.

We had planned at least 1 day out this weekend but due to the weather and us being ill we haven't been.

Saturday i was sick and Ds had been sick the day before and had a bad headache. OH didn't come over all day he was digging out his driveway in the morning and then was asleep from about 2 till 7. I rang him at 7 to ask if he was going to come over and help me and that the boys needed feeding.

He came over with some tins of beans and potatoes (and ordered me off the sofa to help but eldest Ds took over and made me sit back down) and gave them that on toast. Not great but food and at least i didn't have to cook it after being sick when my older Ds made the younger one some soup for lunch. He didn't wash up just left the dishes. Ds finally got to bed about 9pm.

He did go to the shop and get me some essentials which i was grateful for. But then hasn't stopped going on about how wonderful he is helping me.

Yesterday was the same didn't see him until tea time. I was feeling slightly better so cooked a roast with sit down breaks in between when i felt woosy. He ate it then buggered off to watch tv. I told him i needed help with the washing up but he ignored me and just said in a minute. I lost my rag and then he sent my older Ds in to help me while he sat on his backside.

He said he was feeling ill so i gave him the benefit of doubt knowing how rough i'd felt.

Today i've found out he's gone to a friends house to paint her living room as a favour! We've barely seen him all weekend and he's back to work tomorrow. I'm so annoyed with him one for not helping very much when we were ill and going to spent the day helping someone else today for free.

I hope you don't mind my being blunt, but people treat you how you allow them to treat you. (I know!)

What on earth is in it for him to change? He's got sex how he likes it, his own place, comes and goes how he likes, demands maid service from you, won't pitch in when at yours and has somehow convinced you that by turning up to bathe his child and chucking you £100 a month, he's a great guy.

Why on earth would he change, as long as you carry on servicing him in this fashion?

If you aren't happy with this - change it. You deserve to be happy.

And to not have the piss royally taken out of you!

Be as blunt as you like don't worry.

I'm sat here trying to find the words to say and i just can't. I don't even know where to start. I don't want it to turn into a big argument about who does the most.

You're not happy. That's what matters. That's what you need to be talking to him about.

You need to have the type of relationship that makes you happy. Clearly this isn't it.

Whether you can have that relationship with him, or whether he can't/isn't willing to do that, is something the two of you need to talk about.

Perhaps write down what is making you unhappy? Write down what you feel you need in order to be happy.

Get it clear in your mind before trying to articulate it to him.

Thanks that's a very good idea. I'm going to write a letter of sorts. I probably won't give it to him but like you say it'll help me be clear on what I'm going to say.

He's gone now i just couldn't bring myself to say anything.

You're in a relationship with someone - and you can't talk to him about your feelings, tell him when you're not happy?

That must be very lonely.

I usually can don't know why i can't spit it out now.

perhaps because this time it's make or break?

I'm just speculating. I obviously don't know. I just know that the higher the stakes - the harder it can be sometimes.

It could well be, i know it's not going to go down very well.

Ok I've written a letter. It's very insulting so I'm not going to give it to him, i wouldn't want one back lol.

Seeing it written down has given me clarity and I'm pretty sure i want to end this relationship.

I feel sick now and have to try and come out with it somehow. I don't know when though I'm tempted to ring him now.

Well done super, it's tough to realise when you need to get rid of someone, but well done to you for being strong enough to force yourself to realise it.

To be honest, that's maybe the hardest step. Yes it will be hard to tell him but at the same time you will feel an immense sense of relief, followed by the realisation that your life will improve, not decline, once he's out of it.

Don't worry about his feelings, don't find yourself apologising or even explaining. Just say you're not happy, you want it to end, and that's that. Don't let him talk you around with empty promises that you know he'll never keep.

Stay strong! Best of luck. You deserve better, and the first step in finding someone better is getting rid of this guy.

Thanks i still feel sick and keep changing my mind every 5 minutes. I can't ring him now it's too late. There never seems like a good time to come out with it.

You know what? Fuck it if it's too late, who cares? He doesn't consider your feelings in any way. Just do it. Bite the bullet.

No i can't not now he'll want to come over and i can't be doing with all that now.

So when are you going to do it? We'll all be here for you to hold your hand, just be brave. You will feel so much better afterwards, I promise.

I don't know when to do it. When he comes over after work the children are about. Thanks i think i'll need a bit of hand holding.

I have the day off tomorrow and am here all day with no dp and no dc.... I can be your cheerleader

How fortunate that you don't live together! Although I wish I could get the picture of a smoking fetish out of my mind since all I can think of is that scene from Carry On Screaming and it isn't helping me write a coherent response.

But back to the topic....I do think you do need a sensible talk at a time when you've got the stamina to deal with his reactions. But I'd not delay it. Right now this man is living the Life of Riley and I'm sure you deserve very much better.

Thanks seren that's very kind of you.

I haven't seen that film so don't know how accurate it is lol.

I'm feeling really guilty now. The thought of telling him is making me feel sick.

I agree it sounds as though he has things very cushy indeed, I couldn't be with someone like him.

I've woken up full of resolve this morning and I'm gutted I've wasted 8 years of my life with him.

He's text me twice and i haven't replied don't want to tell him when he's in work.

Oh god he just rang me!

I didn't want to blurt it all out on the phone but he could tell something was wrong. I just said i wasn't happy and could we have a chat later. He was very reasonable about it actually and said he could tell something was wrong last night.

When are you going to be able to see him? Are you prepared mentally? I know how hard it is, honestly I do. I have ended two long term relationships, and it makes you feel like shit, but you KNOW when you're doing the right thing. Honestly, from an outsiders point of view, he sounds vile, and you could be so happy without him x

He'll be over later i expect for tea. I'm going to have to try and talk to him when the children are in bed. I'm not looking forward to it.

Just to wish you the best of luck. Stay strong.

Thanks i'm worrying myself sick and snapping at the children. Need to give myself a good shake and just get on and do it.