To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

[37jonsialex]

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

37jonsaialex, there are two ways to deal with this.

1. Tell BIL and FIL that they're no longer invited. I was going to say to tell them that they are welcome but meat isn't until I re-read your OP and saw that they were insisting that they bring it. That, for me, gets a fuck off. No-one gets to insist they bring anything into my house.

1. Tell them they are welcome to bring meat to your vegetarian barbeque. Then, when they arrive, you take the meat from them whilst they stand in the hall, call your dog over and feed the meat to him. I suggest you get them to stand in the hall as they're a captive audience to your dog's surprise treat and besides I doubt if they'd want to go any further into the house once they'd witnessed it.

The second choice is the one I would take. Seriously. I'd take great delight in doing it.

Why does vegetarianism magically become more valid, if the holders are Hindu, or Sikh, for example?

I went through a Hindu phase, during my teens. Did my choice not to eat meat suddenly lose validity when I ceased that phase?

Stick them down the bottom of tge garden with their meat and don't share the rest of the food

YABU - they are meat eaters. I understand the point of not wanting to put the meat on your new barbecue (just) in which case provide a disposable barbecue.

When we give a dinner party I cater for vegetarians although we are meat eaters. It would be exceptionally discourteous if I refused to do so and presented the with meat dishes. Likewise you are expecting guests and you need to cater for their wishes just as you would expect meat eaters to cater for yours.

Actually it really annoys me that I am expected to cater for veggies, yet they would never say to me "is a nut roast OK with you or can I cook you something you are more happy to eat".

All these people saying the OP is unreasonable, do you really feel like you have to eat meat at every meal?

I honestly will not believe you if you say you do.

Disposable BBQ
I have veggi friends and family and happily cook for them and like vegetarian food, but a BBQ with no meat is hard going.
Yes if you cheat and do baked spuds, but unless you really love peppers, aubergines and mushrooms it's going to be a bit grim.

marriedinwhite, that may be because for many, if not most, veggies, the choice is made on moral grounds. They have a moral objection to eating the flesh of a once living creature. You, being an omnivore, have a moral objection to eating vegetarian food for why, exactly?

AFuckingKnackeredWoman
Are you genuinely comparing not eating meat to religious beliefs?

Why shouldn't one? Moral objection is moral objection. Atheists/Agnostics/non-theists are perfectly capable of morality, too. How do you feel about atheist conscientious objectors in wartime, as opposed to, say, Quaker conscientious objectors?

Actually I think you WNBU to ask them to leave the meat at home; but you might have to expect that they might then refuse to come; or that they'll be boorish about it if they do show up.

I do understand your position; perhaps ask them to cook it at home if they absolutely insist they can't be parted from their meat but still want to come? That way there won't be the barbecuing smells of the meat in your garden either.

Or you could just pray for rain...

Also should say that my strict veggi DSIL will cook bacon for my stupidly fussy DD2.
I tell her not to, but I think she thinks it's only fair exchange for me cooking vegetarian food for her.

My Jewish friend has been known to turn a blind eye to DD2 and ham too.

You will gather that DD2 is a right royal pain in the arse about food

the onus is on both sides, no? To accommodate strongly held beliefs of your hosts or your guests. All this fuss for a few burgers & hotdogs!

One reason I started eating meat again was because so many people assumed I must be doing it out of very idealistic reasons & therefore must feel uncomfortable being around meat. Whereas I actually didn't give a fig what other people ate. I perceive that there are more zealot vegetarians than meat eaters, sadly, but either form of militancy is obnoxious.

I cooked vegetarian food on my bbq last week. DH had a selection of both meat and veggie and preferred what I was having, which was halloumi, cherry tomato, button mushroom and yellow pepper kebabs. We also did parboiled new potatoes tossed in olive oil and sea salt then roasted on skewers and they were bloody delicious. I really don't get the inference that meat free=inferior somehow. has hugh F-W taught us nothing?!

lesley33 Fri 06-Apr-12 12:02:58
"A barbecue does not just describe a method of cooking. If you turned up at a barbecue and got ushered into a formally set out dining table, told to sit down and your host brought to you food cooked on the barbecue you would be a bit"

I have been to a couple of BBQ's like this - hosted by people with staff, so they weren't actually cooking it themselves.

OP YANBU.

Really animaux . Obviously posh people do things differently then.

I think "insisting" on bringing meat to your barbeque is incredibly rude. However, if you don't have a problem with them eating meat I don't see why they shouldn't bring their own, but perhaps "asking" would have been more polite. Asking them to bring a disposable barbeque is a perfectly reasonable request, you shouldn't have to clean meat off your new one.

YANBU. You wouldn't be unreasonable to ask them not to bring it, if you don't like the idea of having meat in your home/garden. (I don't - so obviously I'm going to say that [buwink]) You certainly wouldn't be unreasonable to take the paper plates and disposable bbq route. This is what I do when I go to these things at meat-eaters' houses. Are your partner's parents still together, and if so how do they negotiate the fact that one of them now eats meat? Is MIL up for talking some sense into her menfolk?

This thread is making me worry about having bbqs to be honest. OH is enthusiastic about it now we have a garden - I don't think he's thought about the meat issue, which is ironic since his reason for being vegetarian is that meat in all its various states grosses him out. Maybe we'll advertise it as a normal house party and happen to have the grill out if the weather's nice...

My very veggie friend on discovering that her DS developed a liking for ham at the age of 5 when he started going to birthday parties on his own let him eat ham . . . when he was at birthday parties on his own. She wouldn't give it to him at home though, and he understood completely.

Seems ridiculously petty to try and stop them from eating what they want.
As others have said disposable bbq and paper plates and then you don't have to deal with the meat in anyway.

I just love that a veggies expect meat eaters to cater for them when they are the guests, and expect not to cater for meat eaters when they are the hosts - and can't see the contradiction staring them in the face..

quacks - advertise it as a house or garden party with food provided and just happen to have the barbecue on.

All these people saying the OP is unreasonable, do you really feel like you have to eat meat at every meal?

Well I think she is being slightly unreasonable, and many of the meals I eat are veggie.

mayorquimby, it's not about trying to stop them from eating what they want though, is it? It's about not having them insist what the OP does in her own home, it's about not having them bringing meat into her house. If they want to eat it, they can, just not in a vegetarian's home!

mayorquimby, the smell would still be a big issue, so that's not quite accurate.

I fail to see why meat is a dietary necessity for meat eaters at every meal. I'm presuming it is for lots of people, otherwise this would not be an issue.

People saying the OP is not catering for the meat eaters, yes, she absolutely is, she just isn't providing every single food they like. But then I would hazard a guess at this being the case for every meal you get invited to, meat eating or vegetarian choices aside.

*I don't think I've ever been to a BBQ, where someone has worked really hard on the menu ...Menu at a BBQ? Really?

I thought the whole idea of a BBQ, was that it was a very relaxed, casual affair, with people bringing along a bit of their own booze, and maybe some food. No big deal.

All this angst about respect, and menus, and quiet seething and resentment...I don't think it now matters what food is served, I don't think there's going to be much of a fun atmosphere*

Indeed! This is the most sensible thing I've read on this thread.

YANBU

I wouldn't expect to take meat to BBQ at a vegetarian's house/party.

If you were requesting that guests each provided some food then - maybe. You aren't - so you could either say no. Or provide a disposable BBQ for them so that your own BBQ isn't meat juiced up.

I think the IL ABU to expect it - especially as they are ex-veggies themselves.