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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

479 replies

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 10:39

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

OP posts:

TheBigJessie · 06/04/2012 12:40

I am generally happy to cater for morality, allergies, and occasionally even some level of pathetic fussiness (darling husband ) For example, I wouldn't give a Pythagorean (if any exist) a bean burger.

However, "I can't eat that because it hasn't got... " is beyond my limit, unless they're asking for sauce/seasonings.

mayorquimby · 06/04/2012 12:40

Meh well if the op is happy for them not to attend on the back of it then stick to her guns. I don't think I'd attend under the circumstances.

ChasedByBees · 06/04/2012 12:41

I've never heard of these weird rules that mean you have to have meat at a BBQ. I'm a meat eater but love veggie BBQs, they're often more imaginative an tasty than meat.

For those saying that the host is rude not to allow people to bring meat, would you bring your own good to a dinner party just in case you didn't like what was served? When I host, I try and prepare food people will like so for them to assume they'll hate it in advance would be insulting. Even if you do hate it, it's one meal, it won't kill you. Stop at Maccy Ds on the way home.

For those that wondered about veggie BBQs, there's great recipes here:

www.channel4.com/4food/recipes/seasonal/bbq/bbq-vegetarian-recipes

www.bbcgoodfood.com/content/recipes/vegetarian/vegetarian-barbecue/

Eglu · 06/04/2012 12:42

I would say YANBU, particularly as they used to be veggies anyway, so not like they can't eat whatever you are providing.

If you want to be kind get them to bring their own disposable barbecue. Although I think it is rude to insist on eating meat at a vegetarian house, it's not like they will die if they have one none meat meal.

Scholes34 · 06/04/2012 12:42

Friend's DH once commented, after being told she'd invited a couple over for the afternoon "I can cope with the fact that they're lesbians, but . . . vegetarians?!!"

elinorbellowed · 06/04/2012 12:44

They are being rude. However, I think you have to suck it up for the sake of a nice party.

Many years ago, when DP and I were childfree we and BF were invited along to Sunday lunch with old friend and his newish girlfriend. She was vegan. DP and BF took a joint of beef to this meal (encouraged by old friend who was desperate to eat meat.) I thought it was incredibly offensive to ask this woman to cook meat when she never ate it and I apologised to her repeatedly that I hadn't been able to talk my thoughtless partner and friend out of it. She was incredibly gracious about it and let them cook the offending item while she and I got drunk. (The vegan stew she had made for me and her was utterly foul though.) The relationship didn't last.
And to stir it up a bit. Meat-eaters get defensive about vegetarians because they know we have the moral high ground.....[bugrin]

ChasedByBees · 06/04/2012 12:45

Good = food

mayorquimby · 06/04/2012 12:45

how can people without souls ever occupy the moral high-ground?

Floggingmolly · 06/04/2012 12:49

Why are you having a BBQ when you're refusing to serve meat? I'm a vegetarian myself and I'd think it odd to see a meatless BBQ

Original poster

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 12:50

whatmeworry and afuckingknackered i find it genuinely interesting that you think that a belief that is labeled as 'religious' is more valid than one that isn't. Really?

Anyway...

Clearly the issue is with me calling it a BBQ... I thought that suggested that it was just food cooked over coals outside... how wrong i was!!

We're both vegetarian because we believe that animal welfare is pretty poor. Same with dairy, we try and always choose high welfare brands/ locally sourced. It might sound a bit poncey to some, but it allows us to have a clear conscience. I've never said to anyone that they should be vegetarian, i barely even talk about it! So i'm not a 'militant' vegetarian.

We'll get a disposable BBQ tonight if they do insist on bringing their own... and we'll all make mooing and clucking noises while they're eating... (that was a joke, just to clear up any confusion)

Thanks all!

OP posts:

TheBigJessie · 06/04/2012 12:50

...

Is this a serious claim that the religious have a monopoly on moral beliefs and philosophy?

Or a joke?

TheBigJessie · 06/04/2012 12:51

That's to mayorquimby by the way.

kickmewhenimdown · 06/04/2012 12:51

All these people saying the OP is unreasonable, do you really feel like you have to eat meat at every meal?

Maybe not every meal, but every bbq, without a doubt.

YABU, its bad form to not cater for all your guests.

Are you bothered about them coming? If so, do the decent thing and get a throwaway bbq for them to cook their meat. If not, just tell them they are uninvited due to your inability to cater for them.

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 12:52

whatmeworry and afuckingknackered i find it genuinely interesting that you think that a belief that is labeled as 'religious' is more valid than one that isn't.

I didn't say that. I just said that I think veggies who won't cater for meat eating guests are rude.

GrahamTribe · 06/04/2012 12:53

I still think that my idea was best. Let them bring their meat then feed it to the dog (or cat if you have no dog or next door's dog if you have no cat ).

Original poster

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 12:53

Must have misunderstood, sorry!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 12:55

Then you've answered my question, kickme, thanks. It's not a requirement, and therefore should not be pushed on the OP.

I'm going to point it out again, the OP is catering for all her invited guests, she's just not providing every single food they like, which no reasonable guest would expect anyway.

PassTheTwiglets · 06/04/2012 12:58

Veggies not catering for meat eaters is absolutely not the same as meat eaters not catering for veggies. Veggies have a moral objection to meat but meat eaters don't have a moral objection to vegetables!

TheBigJessie · 06/04/2012 12:59

It's amazing: on MN, there is frequently both a consensus that vegetarians should provide meat, and a consensus that fussiness in children should not be tolerated, even when it's a young visitor on a playdate.

ChasedByBees · 06/04/2012 12:59

All these people saying the OP is unreasonable, do you really feel like you have to eat meat at every meal?

Maybe not every meal, but every bbq, without a doubt.

YABU, its bad form to not cater for all your guests.

That is a such a bizarre idea, I really don't get it. When you go round to someone's house for a meal, I'm always open to experiencing something new. At a BBQ I would ask if they wanted me to bring something but I wouldn't demand they cook what I expect. If you go round to someone's for a meal on a Sunday do you get a cats bums face if you're not served a roast? It must be so boring to be so set in your ways.

Original poster

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 13:01

whatmeworry, i am catering for my guests aren't i? I'm giving them food that i know they like, just because they'd prefer to eat something else, does that mean i should provide it? I love pizza, i don't expect people to provide it for me at every meal!!

OP posts:

Kladdkaka · 06/04/2012 13:02

i am catering for my guests aren't i? I'm giving them food that i know they like, just because they'd prefer to eat something else, does that mean i should provide it?

They're not asking you to provide it. They're providing it themselves. Problem sorted.

mayorquimby · 06/04/2012 13:03

"It must be so boring to be so set in your ways."

I know, and expecting others to fall in line with your morals. Absolutely bizarre.

BellaVita · 06/04/2012 13:03

Your menu sounds lovely.

They are BU.

I asked DH what he thought - he too said they were BU. we are both meat eaters btw.....

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 13:04

It would be bizarre if that's what the OP and others were expecting, mayorquimby. But they're not, so don't worry. :)

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