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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

479 replies

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 10:39

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

OP posts:
Kladdkaka · 06/04/2012 11:43

Vegetarians on the other hand do not eat any meat, so the situations are not comparable.

They may not eat it but they do consume it.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/04/2012 11:45

If I was having a barbecue (fat chance up here in the Highlands) and had vegetarians coming I would of course cater for them
It's the same as having a veggie coming to my house, (my lovely niece).
I think the majority of meat eaters are considerate to their veggie friends/family.
So it should work the other way around, especially at a barbecue.

Shelby2010 · 06/04/2012 11:45

Kladdkaka Perhaps you could clarify your thinking. I'm a vegan and avoid using any animal products.

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 11:45

Exactly Jessie!

differentnameforthis · 06/04/2012 11:47

Well if I was told there was no meat/couldn't take my own at a BBQ, I wouldn't go. Not to be rude, but because I wouldn't eat vege burgers, vege sausages and bean burgers.

I believe that when you are inviting a group for a meal, you need to cater for that entire group, or allow them to take a plate of what they want to eat. I think it is bad manners & very rude to deny your guests a chance to eat what they want.

How would you feel if FIL hosted a BBQ & refused to cater for your tastes? NOt too happy, I bet!

You cater for all, or don't do it at all. That is THE only etiquette for a host!

LeQueen · 06/04/2012 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ragged · 06/04/2012 11:49

I think they are being very pushy & rude (saying that as a fallen-long-time-veggie), but think I would just grit teeth & get a disp BBQ, too. Place it several metres away from the rest of the food.

5inthebed · 06/04/2012 11:50

The stuffed mushrooms sound yummy, would be lovely next to a pork chop [buwink]

Honestly, the disposable barbecue is the way to go.

TeaOneSugar · 06/04/2012 11:50

I'm veggie, DH and DD aren't, we use disposable BBQs when camping, one for meat/fish and one for veggie food, or we have a veggie only BBQ (they survive meat free meals), or we use one BBQ and the oven or grill.

I can appreciate a veggie household not wanting meat on their BBQ, as they aren't as easy to get completely clean IME as a frying pan or grill pan. Although that might be my experience of camping washing up.

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 11:51

differentname, it would only be rude or bad mannered if it was an entirely arbitrary choice, which for vegetarians it almost always wouldn't be. It remains true that it is NOT the same for vegetarians going to a meat bbq as it is the other way around. It's silly to think that vegetarians don't cater for everyone at their meals, it's akin to saying that people who eat meat must eat it at every meal.

But kudos for being mature and not going to a vegetarian bbq rather than kicking up a fuss about not getting meat.

Kladdkaka · 06/04/2012 11:51

Kladdkaka Perhaps you could clarify your thinking. I'm a vegan and avoid using any animal products.

Off the top of my head ... drive a car? Use a bus? A bike? A pram? Anything plastic? Swallow any pills? Have any photos in you house? Own anything waterproof? Toothpaste? Sugar?

lesley33 · 06/04/2012 11:51

Can I just suggest if you repeat this social occasion that you don't call it a barbecue - I honestly think that is the root of some of the issues here.

Jaagerbomb · 06/04/2012 11:52

The words "vegetarian" and "BBQ" should not be in the same sentence.

YABU.

TeaOneSugar · 06/04/2012 11:54

Lesley33 I agree, you wouldn't have the same issue at a picnic.

TeaOneSugar · 06/04/2012 11:55

Surely BBQ refers to the method of cooking, not the thing being cooked.

LadyBeagleEyes · 06/04/2012 11:55

I probably wouldn't go to a veggie barbecue either.

I don't like vegetables.
I only like salad and sweetcorn [bublush]

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/04/2012 11:56

chardonnay, I don't think it is the same; militant meat-eaters might loathe the very idea of 'veggy rubbish', but I suspect it wouldn't turn their stomachs in the way that the smell of meat does to some vegetarians.

I'd agree with the analogy that insisting on taking meat to a vegetarian household is like taking pork to a Jewish or Muslim one. Offensive, for whatever reason.

And I'll reiterate my opinion that guests are NOT the only ones whose preferences are to be taken into account, and that just because someone is hosting they are under no obligation to try to cater for everyone's preferences. Dietary requirements (religious/cultural/moral/health reasons), yes, but simple preferences ? no way.

zzzzz · 06/04/2012 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 06/04/2012 12:02

A barbecue does not just describe a method of cooking. If you turned up at a barbecue and got ushered into a formally set out dining table, told to sit down and your host brought to you food cooked on the barbecue you would be a bit Hmm.

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 12:03

I'd agree with the analogy that insisting on taking meat to a vegetarian household is like taking pork to a Jewish or Muslim one. Offensive, for whatever reason.

Oh please.

lesley33 · 06/04/2012 12:04

But yours isn't a religious objection?

Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 12:04

You cater for all, or don't do it at all. That is THE only etiquette for a host!

Bingo.

TheBigJessie · 06/04/2012 12:08

Ah yes, the politically correct "oh, I have no problem with moral vegetarianism if they're religious".

Either you can cope with the concept of differing moral beliefs or you can't. But don't go half-way, like that.

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 06/04/2012 12:09

taking meat to a vegetarian household is like taking pork to a Jewish or Muslim one.
-----------

Are you genuinely comparing not eating meat to religious beliefs?

cumbria81 · 06/04/2012 12:10

I think YABU

If you, as a vegetarian,went to a meat eater's house for dinner you'd expect them to cater for you. The same goes for meat eaters. Why shouldn't you extend the same courtesy? If you;re that bothered about meat being on your grill, get them to bring their own bbq. Problem solved.