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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

479 replies

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 10:39

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 06/04/2012 11:03

Whatmeworry I assume you normally abstain from vegetables for some reason? Moral issues with root vegetables, perhaps?

Don't be silly.

The point is that respect for others' diet is not a 1 way street.

fragola · 06/04/2012 11:05

YANBU I think it's really rude to be invited to someones house for a meal (bbq or not) and then say you'll bring your own food.

I'm sure they can do without meat for one day.

WilsonFrickett · 06/04/2012 11:06

90% of the bbq's I go to you take something with you, so under those circumstances I can understand them bringing meat. But I would also bring a disposable BBQ - that's what I had to do as a veggie when going to non-veggies houses for a bbq, I wouldn't have expected them to cater for me.

But if in your family you have bbq's and people aren't expected to bring food with them then YANBU it's rude of them - they're basically saying 'we can't stand your veggie cooking for one meal and have to have meat'.

MakeMineAChardonnay · 06/04/2012 11:06

YABU. It's their choice to eat meat, just like it's your choice not to. No they won't die from not eating meat for once like someone suggested, but why should they not be allowed to have their preferences?
How hard is it to get a separate disposable BBQ and cook the meat on there?
DH is a vegetarian, and if we have a BBQ we cook meat on a disposable one. They cost pennies. Either that or do theirs under the grill or something.

Original poster
37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 11:07

Accountantsrule do you eat salad? Vegetables? They're all vegetarian. If i was going to someone's house and they had a moral objection to vegetables, then i wouldn't bring any! I'd sit there nibbling peanuts and eat a big halloumi, avocado and tomato sandwich when i got home!

TheSinglePringle Bean burgers, Veggie sausages, kebabs with halloumi and vegetables, lots of salads, Mushrooms stuffed with blue cheese and garlic, BBQ sweetcorn etc...

Disposable BBQ and plates is a good plan! Still think it's rude though :P

OP posts:
lesley33 · 06/04/2012 11:08

There are obvious differences of opinion on this thread.

I guess what you need to think about is if you are insistent, what will be your relatives reactions? And do you feel strongly enough about this issue to deal with any fallout afterwards?

TidyDancer · 06/04/2012 11:08

YANBU, and absolutely not being petty. Anyone that tells you you are clearly will not understand how it feels for a vegetarian to have to be around meat, especially while it is cooking. It's disgusting and personally would turn my stomach.

Either get a disposable bbq or ask them politely to please not bring meat. It won't kill them to eat a non-meat bbq for one meal, it's not as if you're asking for them to give up meat again.

I think they are actually the unreasonable ones for planning on showing up to a vegetarian bbq carrying meat without running it by the host for approval first. Sounds pretty much like they have told your DP they are bringing it, not asked.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/04/2012 11:08

lesley, the OP said that she has made it clear that she would provide all the food and nothing additional would be needed. But if the guests feel constrained by etiquette, they could bring something like potato salad, crisps and dips etc. People generally like to eat things like that.

And who said that the OP was doing 'veggie sausages and burgers'? Also, stating as if it were a fact and an argument-winner that they are 'rank', when actually this is just your opinion, is a bit odd.

hackmum · 06/04/2012 11:11

I'm a vegetarian and would never even consider holding a barbecue. The whole point of barbecues is that they're meat based, isn't it? And that people bring their own food?

So I do think the OP has brought this on herself (sorry). I mean, why not just have an outdoors party with crisps, salads, bread, quiches etc?

Don't know what the answer to this particular dilemma is, though.

lesley33 · 06/04/2012 11:11

Lady - The veggie sausages, etc was in response to another poster who said the visitors could eat that instead. Sorry if it seemed it a bit odd, I just don't like the assumption that of course meat eaters will be happy with veggie sausages and burgers, an argument I have come across before.

lesley33 · 06/04/2012 11:13

hackmum - Thats what I think! I think if the OP had just said we are havinga party in our garden and will provide all the food there wouldn't have been an issue.

There is an etiquette around barbecues and of course people can try and change these, but you are ;aying yourself open to challenge if you do this.

Kayano · 06/04/2012 11:15

A menu at. Bbq?

Hmm
lesley33 · 06/04/2012 11:18

btw OP I think if you are taking food to someone else's house to share it doesn't have to be something everyone would like. If you came to my house for a party bringing food to share i would expect you to bring vegetarian food that I know some guests probably wouldn't like. And thats fine imo.

Original poster
37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 11:18

Ha, i know, not really a menu, more a piece of paper with the things i'm going to make on it!
Having said that... i do like martha stewart... clearly i need to get out the glitter glue and embossing tools!

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/04/2012 11:19

I can't believe that anyone is so inflexible/stupid that they can't understand a clearly advertised change to BBQ 'etiquette' (and didn't realise that there was a BBQ etiquette bible that so many posters on here seem to follow religiously, either).

Chardonnay 'why should they not be allowed to have their preferences?' I believe that when someone's cooking for you you don't get to indulge your preferences; you can do that when you cook for yourself or eat out. When someone provides food for me I say thank you and eat it, even if it's not my preferred food. Anything else I would consider rude and ungrateful.

And it's not 'hard' to get a disposable BBQ, no, but as others have pointed out, some veggies find the smell and/or look of meat repulsive. It's the OP's house and party and I can't see why her wishes shouldn't be respected.

Original poster
37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 11:20

lesley i agree, but i think it should be something that the majority of people would like.

OP posts:
LentillyFart · 06/04/2012 11:20

Am I reading you right OP? You won't allow meat on your plates? That is much much weirder than people wanting to bring meat to a veggie BBQ (which is, in itself, an aberration!).

MargueritaaPracatan · 06/04/2012 11:21

I sorta think as your guests, you'd want to provide them with stuff they like to eat, even if you don't like it.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 06/04/2012 11:23

Lentilly, the OP is vegetarian and doesn't normally have meat in the house, and therefore on her plates. Because of her feelings about meat and eating it, she doesn't like the thought of meat in her house or on her plates. Is that really very hard to understand? It might be a different viewpoint from yours, but I don't see why that automatically makes it 'weird'.

lesley33 · 06/04/2012 11:24

37 - Majority of people i agree - you don't take something wierd and wonderful - unless of course you are a fussy eater and know thedre will probably be nothing there you like.

peeriebear · 06/04/2012 11:25

But it's not like a vegetarian bringing their own veggie option to a meat bbq. Expecting the veggie host and all the veggie guests to put up with the smell of cooking meat when they are expecting a meat free party is rude. Being vegetarian is usually because of ethical reasons along with a distaste for the smell/taste of meat, so guests forcing their meat choice on veggie hosts is very rude IMO.

pictish · 06/04/2012 11:26

Maybe some vegetarians just need to get over themselves?

LentillyFart · 06/04/2012 11:27

It's weird because it would appear that the OP has never heard that you can wash plates in hit soapy water.

LentillyFart · 06/04/2012 11:27

Hot ffs!!

pictish · 06/04/2012 11:27

Lol!