To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

[37jonsialex]

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

Nah. I reckon FIL & BIL muttered a bit, then ate the food on offer, & possibly went for a kebab after.

Sounded to me like DP was entirely on board with the no meat thing, just getting earache from FIL & BIL, & leaving the casting vote to OP. (Minor cop out, but maybe he's not that bothered either way).

Then again, quite possibly the OP decided to let the boys have their skanky meat disposable BBQ in the interests of a quiet life.

Can't see why you'd need a hoo-ha or foot putting down either way - it's just about deciding whether or not to accommodate someone else's lousy manners...

Update! BBQ was fine, we phoned them the night before and said if they wanted to bring meat then could they bring a disposable BBQ to cook it on. Que a bit of grumbling, but eventually they said ok.
Anyway, as it turned out, because of the weather they decided that they didn't want to stand outside in the rain and cook so didn't bring any meat at all!
There were no complaints about the food, and there was a lot of it, so i'm not sure if they went for a kebab after or not!
Thanks all!

Hurray OP! Can't believe they grumbled at the idea of a disposable BBQ. Just demonstrates again how inconsiderate and unreasonable they were.

I hope everyone had a great time. I'm sure they did. I'll be stealing the blue-cheese mushrooms idea from you for the future.

Very glad it all worked out ok for you OP :)

yay!!

All's well that ends well then (but I don't think it was a sign of rudeness that they complained about having to get a disposable grill on the eve of Easter, assuming they didn't already own one -- phoning someone the night before a major holiday to tell them to bring a piece of equipment with them that they might have had to go out and buy if they wanted to eat is basically not that polite or considerate a thing to do to your guests imo)

I think bringing meat to a Veggies BBQ is rude, and they sell disposable BBQ at petrol stations.

And I'm from a family of Omnivores (with one pescatarian).

Do people also thing it is rude for a veggie to take veggie food to a BBQ?

math, they weren't originally asked to bring a disposable BBQ; they were told no need to bring anything as the OP was providing all the food (which is very considerate and generous in my book). The disposable BBQ was a compromise that the OP offered, against her real wishes, which were that there just be no meat at all.

And it simply isn't the case that they would have had to bring a BBQ and cook meat 'if they wanted to eat'; they would have had to bring and cook meat if they were really prepared to make such a fuss about not having meat at one meal.

And it clearly turned out that they weren't that troubled by not being able to eat meat. Or if they were, at least they belatedly found some manners and didn't moan about it in the OP's presence.

No I don't think it's rude to ask veggies to take food to a BBQ. I always offer to do so and then bring extra for others.

At large garden party style BBQ's it seems normal for the hosts to provide basic bugers & sausages, then guests can bring steak, lamb kebabs if they want. So it seems natural to let the hosts know in advance and ask if I should bring veggie stuff and a disposable BBQ for any other veggies.

With close friends and family I tell them not to bother as I always have a pack of qourn sausages in the freezer. It's safer that way! Or they buy those veggies sausages, that are cheese & veggies mashed up, or something else they think is interesting but sticks to the BBQ before melting through. It's much better that I hand over something that is BBQ friendly.

When I first met my I laws they told me not to bother and theyd get me something. They put sausages on for everyone, them microwaved me a veggie lasagne. They're very sweet people and the thought was there.

Yanbu. You do not turn up as a guest at somebody else's house with big hunks of meat if they are veggies. It's just plain rude.

Hulababy, no, I don't think it's rude to take veggie food to a BBQ being held by meat-eaters, except if the hosts told people they didn't need to bother bringing anything as they would supply it all (I'm assuming that between hosts and any veggie guests they'd work out, as in Goolash's post, how the veggies were to be catered for.)

I am a vegetarian, and my dad does this. Not in a BBQ situation, but when he came to stay (he lives abroad), he went to the shop and bought various kinds of meat that he planned to eat alongside the meals I was planning on cooking.

I was insulted, not by the meat per say, but by the fact he seemed to be insinuating I couldn't possibly cook a filling or tasty meal. I put a lot of effort into planning some very crowd-pleasing vegetarian dishes :(

So I think YANBU, since they know you are vegetarian and you haven't asked them to bring anything.

Veggie BBQ is delicious btw: vegetable skewers, halloumi cheese (THE BEST!), corn on the cob, potatoes, and obviously veggie burgers/hot dogs/sausages.

no, I don't think it's rude to take veggie food to a BBQ being held by meat-eaters, except if the hosts told people they didn't need to bother bringing anything as they would supply it all (I'm assuming that between hosts and any veggie guests they'd work out, as in Goolash's post, how the veggies were to be catered for

Yes but the difference here is that if someone said that to a vegetarian it means they would supply vegetarian food, in the OPs case that was meant as 'we will supply vegetarian food for everyone' that is not the same!

It seems expected that vegetarians will be catered for wherever they go, but the same curtesy is not extended to meat eaters!

Its really no biggie but its very much a double standard.

Meat-eaters do not need 'catering for' in the same way that veggies do because, as has already been said more than once on this thread, meat-eaters also eat things that don't contain meat but veggies don't eat things that do contain meat.

Well meat eaters dont eat just pure meat do they?

If I do a BBQ there will be various salad/pasta/etc side dishes so all of those would be suitable for a vegetarian-but its deemed curtesy to make the effort to do something extra than just those sides.

Some vegetarians seem to expect special treatment.

Amberleaf said: It seems expected that vegetarians will be catered for wherever they go, but the same curtesy is not extended to meat eaters!

Its really no biggie but its very much a double standard.

Is this really what you think? Your views would indicate a complete lack of understanding of vegetarianism (for ethical reasons) and human dietary requirements.

Amber leaf

To true

When catering for a vegetarian you wouldn't just make a meal then tell the veggi to put the meat to the side you would have to make somthing extra for their main

For me as a meat eater stuffed mushrooms dosent quite cut it as a main an tofu and nut roast suck

Vegatians always ask if their is a vegetarian option and expect t be catered for

'Well meat eaters dont eat just pure meat do they?'

Er, no. My point exactly. Not sure what you mean.

The OP here didn't expect special treatment; she was having a BBQ at her house, and IMO it's the host's prerogative to cook and serve whatever they want, and to ask or not ask guests to contribute food and drink.

I've never experienced a vegetarian expecting special treatment. Rather, in my experience people who eat meat tend to offer and provide veggie options. If they don't do this, the vegetarians either bring things of their own or eat what they can from what's on offer.

No the OP didnt expect special treatment! she didnt extend it to her guests either even though their offer was to bring their own so as not to impose!

I dont mean an individual vegetarian expecting special treatment, I mean the general consensus is they should recieve it.

fascicle I do understand, I have people in my family who are/have been vegeatrians for ethical reasons. I also have a Coeliac who usually ends up bringing her own as people dont seem to make the effort or dont understand that Coeliac is not a lifestyle choice or 'fad' diet thing.

I think I just get pissed off with the holier than thou attitude that comes from some vegetarians.

Ive been told IABU to Provide a totally gf meal for guests!

Putting aside vegetarianism v meat-eating, the principle here is of a host offering food and guests explicitly or implicitly criticising it by saying they'll bring their own.

IMO it's the host's prerogative to provide the food they want to cook and eat (within reason; I wouldn't make a cabbage stew for my friend whose health condition means she can't eat any cruciferous vegetables). It's good guest behaviour to eat what's on offer with good grace and say thank you.

I am a meat-eater and I have to say I think there has been precious little evidence of a 'holier than thou attitude' from veggies on this thread. Conversely there have been many rude comments and a lot of aggressive posting from people on the meat-eaters' 'side'.

It's good guest behaviour to eat what's on offer with good grace and say thank you

Unless you're are a vegetarian obviously!

But thats understandable isnt it? but again it doesnt seem to work both ways.

Are you a Coeliac Saggy? my family member who is has shown me the non gluten ways and I would happily eat a gluten free meal!

Um, no, it doesn't work both ways because a vegetarian not eating meat because they have moral objections/it physically repulses them is not comparable to a meat-eater not eating something because it's not their favourite or preferred food.

It's not really a double standard because the two 'camps' are not starting from the same point.