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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL and BIL not to bring meat to our BBQ...

479 replies

37jonsialex · 06/04/2012 10:39

Ugh, i have a horrible feeling that i'm being ridiculously petty, but here we go...

We're having a family BBQ/ housewarming tomorrow. 8 of us in total (DP's parents, brothers, sisters and various partners) DP's family are all vegetarian, him and his sisters were brought up that way. By coincidence, i've been vegetarian since i was 9 and DS has been brought up as one too.

A few years ago BIL and FIL went over to the...ehem... dark side and started to eat meat again. I have no problem with this at all, their choice and none of us believe that everyone should be vegetarian.

Anyway, DP mentioned this morning that the B/FIL have insisted on bringing their own meat tomorrow. I was a bit shocked to be honest. I've been working really hard to work out a menu, so they weren't expected to provide anything. I'm always willing to except food based gifts, but i think that if you're taking food to someone's house, it should be something that everyone can eat, right? (for example, we're spending easter sunday with a friend that hates raisins, so i'm taking hot cross buns with other things in instead.)

Apart from that, our BBQ is brand new and we're the ones that will have to cook the meat and then clean off the BBQ and the plates...

Reading this back i can see that i sound like a bit of a nutter... but at the same time i think this is such an odd and disrespectful thing to do!

WIBU to ask them to leave the meat at home?

OP posts:
CatPussWithACrownOfThorns · 06/04/2012 23:31

Reading that post back made my brain hurt! Confused

Jux · 06/04/2012 23:39

I had a friend who was a master at dealing with this sort of thing. She would greet people at the door and take the food from them, thanking them profusely and then stash the stuff she didn't want used somewhere.

When the person left, she would return it apologizing that it hadn't been used but "how lovely, you will be able to enjoy it this evening/tomorrow and all the more for you".

usualsuspect · 06/04/2012 23:43

Seems a bit pointless having a veggie barbeque, it's all about the burgers

fluffypillow · 06/04/2012 23:53

Cat, how can you be opposed to moral vetegarianism? Why does refusing to buy products that are vegetarian make us 'even'? That's just ridiculous. What difference does it make to anyone?

If you came to my house, I would cook you meat, if that was what you preferred. I have been veggie for 25 years for 'moral' reasons if that's how YOU want to put it, but I have no objection to you eating meat in my house or otherwise, so why do you 'oppose' my choices?

I have to say though, that if the op is not comfortable with meat being cooked on her bbq, then that is her choice, and must be respected, as it is her home. If you went to her bbq, then maybe you could bring a meat based dish that didn't need to be cooked, so as not to cause offence, and to prevent yourself from becoming ill.

fluffypillow · 06/04/2012 23:57

I must add cat, that to suggest that veggies think we have moral superiority over meat eaters is a joke. My DH and younger Son are big meat eaters, and I in no way feel morally superior to either. or to anyone for that matter.....what crap.

Nextweekmustbebetter · 06/04/2012 23:59

YANBU? You have invited them over and therefore the choice of menu is up to you. I would be offended if I invited someone over and they brought their own food, I find that incredibly rude.

Wishitwaswarmer · 07/04/2012 00:10

I honestly don't think it's about morals, I think it's about manners. If someone was kind enough to invite me to their house and provide food (in whatever context, bbq, dinner party etc) I would eat their food and be thankful for it. If it was a friend or family member (rather than acquaintance) who knew that I had a medical condition that prevented me from eating little fibre and carbs and a lot of meat, as in the case of Cat I would presume they would cater for this. However, it is not the same as only eating meat. If somebody ate only meat at every meal then they can compare this to vegetarianism but I just don't think this is the case. I have been to friends houses for dinner and have not liked what they have served (personal preference, eg I loathe mushrooms) I will eat what I can. An adult missing a bit of a meal will not kill them, they can obviously just eat something else when they get home. I would try to enjoy the company etc and not worry too much about whether I like the food that someone has (kindly) provided for me.

OhdearNigel · 07/04/2012 00:15

A fact that I explained, and was also passed over. I may eat vegetable products, but vegetable products produced specifically as vegetarian are against my principles. I think that morally, that makes us even

This is either a joke or takes the biscuit for the most utter bollocks I have ever read on Mumsnet ever.

splashymcsplash · 07/04/2012 00:20

YANBU

I think it is a great pity that whenever anyone mentions on mumsnet that they are vegetarian that everyone jumps down their throat.

I think there is a need for some tolerance. Surely meat eaters can understand that some people do not eat meat and respect that choice without agreeing with it?

I think that as a guest, it is only polite to respect your host's wishes. This includes not taking meat to a veggie's house, not taking pork to a Jew/Muslim's house etc!

Catpuss you're post is so unbelievably ridiculous/stupid my mind boggles!

Noqontrol · 07/04/2012 00:28

I haven't read the rest of the posts, but I'm veggie, if I go to a BBQ then I generally take my own veggie burgers as meat eaters always seem to forget, am lucky that the hosts have always provided a meat free disposable to cook them on I guess. If people come to my house for a BBQ then I provide a separate disposable to cook on, but I usually buy the meat for them to cook too, guess I'm not that fastidious about it all in my old age.

CatPussWithACrownOfThorns · 07/04/2012 06:42

I think you will find that I explained my reasons up thread. (21.35). Whether or not you agree with me, really doesn't bother me.
I think Splashys post about tolerance works both ways. Isn't that how tolerance works?

exoticfruits · 07/04/2012 08:32

I can see why you wouldn't want it on your BBQ but if you just get a cheap disposable one there is no problem at all.

DinahMoHum · 07/04/2012 08:45

yanbu. Im not vegetarian, but i wouldnt take meat to a vegetarians barbeque. Theres loads of other things they could take and to be veggie for one meal isnt going to kill them.

Do they know you dont want them to bring any?

fascicle · 07/04/2012 08:45

Whatmeworry said:
'the whole veggie position is based on a belief of moral superiority'

Most vegetarians are so because of ethical or religious reasons. It would be far more logical to apply the superiority argument to meat eaters: to eat animals does suggest an underlying belief of superiority.

I'm surprised how many people expect the OP to go down the disposable barbecue route. Why should someone compromise a strongly held moral belief in their own home? I bet that even the most ardent meat eaters/anti vegetarian posters on this thread have some house rules that they aren't willing to compromise.

Re: 'the barbecue isn't a proper barbecue without meat' argument. That indicates to me a lack of imagination about vegetarian food. It's also worrying that some meat eaters feel that no meal is complete without meat. Numerous diseases are related to lifestyle factors including the over-consumption of meat, which was never intended to be eaten several times a day.

Ticktock1 · 07/04/2012 09:10

fascicle I compleatly agree 'It would be far more logical to apply the superiority argument to meat eaters: to eat animals does suggest an underlying belief of superiority,

Meat eaters clearly view themselves as superior to animals. What I don't understand is why do meat eaters feel so threatened by veggies? I am a vegan and have spent the last 10 years being a vegan, I do not preach and only bring it up if food is mentioned as its my choice and does not concern anyone else. I would not attack or complain at someone for eating meat, their personal choice is just that but if I mention my diet I quite offten then have to spend the next 20 mins defending my choice! I think guilt over slaughtering and consuming life might have something to do with that.

Meat disgusts me, its flesh, just dead flesh. You won't get ill eating an under cooked carrot!

exoticfruits · 07/04/2012 09:43

To be perfectly honest I wouldn't bother with a BBQ at all if I was vegetarian.

exoticfruits · 07/04/2012 09:44

I would never have pretend meat products when there are so many nice recipes.

Floggingmolly · 07/04/2012 10:15

Why should someone compromise a strongly held moral belief in their own home?
I am a vegetarian and I cook meat for others; I guess if it burns your hide that much you really shouldn't invite carnivores to a BBQ, an invent which 99.9% of people associate with meat? Put a large sign on the door - "We welcome Strict Vegetarians only, everyone else top up at McDonalds before you come in"
I bet your parties are legendary, though maybe not for the right reasons.

DPrince · 07/04/2012 10:35

I haven't read the whole thread. But if I invited vegetarians to a meal, I would not expect them to eat meat. I would not expect them to eat vegetarian food cooked next to meat. I would respect their choice and don't see this as any different. Get a disposable BBQ. They are not asking you to provide the meat. In response to the 'superiority' debate. I find in RL that meat eaters have to justify their choice more. I know several vegetarians/vegans who insist on telling people why they should eat meat/ meat products while they are eating them. My personal response is 'but its tasty' because it pisses me off. I wouldn't sit a nd point out to the vegetarian at work that likes raw mushrooms that they are grown in shit.

inabeautifulplace · 07/04/2012 10:44

"I think you will find that I explained my reasons up thread. (21.35). Whether or not you agree with me, really doesn't bother me."

The central premise of your opposition to vegetarianism appears to be that the domesticated strands of various animals would become extinct. But there are still wild pigs, cattle, game etc. So surely what would happen is that we would return as closely as possible to the situation as it was before domestication occurred.

WRT veggie options in restaurants, that's a business decision. I remember when it was quite hardI understand it's a pain to be dairy/gluten free as my wife was on that diet while breast feeding. Is lactose/gluten intolerance on the rise? If so then demand will ensure that those options will also become available.

As a meat eater, I'm fully aware that eating meat is a little selfish. I have no issue with that at all. I was vegetarian for a few years when I felt differently.

fascicle · 07/04/2012 10:52

Floggingmolly: You're vegetarian, but your post would suggest that you still think that a meal without meat is somehow inferior. Do you think that meat eaters need to eat meat at every meal? Can you not see the difference between a vegetarian providing a meat-free meal on their home turf, and a vegetarian who - as you put it - only welcomes 'Strict Vegetarians' to their home? Someone provided a Venn diagram analogy further up the thread. Did you read it?

bigknickersbigknockers · 07/04/2012 11:38

Im not a veggie.... far far from it (i love a good steak) but i think your BIL and FIL are being a tad rude. One meat free meal is not going to harm them. If they cant possibly manage one meal without meat then i would go for the disposable BBQ option then dont bother inviting them again.

pigletmania · 07/04/2012 13:03

I would have no problems with a vegetarian BBQ but would make a tour to Maccyds on the way home for a nice juicy burger

exoticfruits · 07/04/2012 13:05

Maybe they can't imagine what you would BBQ. (What do you BBQ if it isn't pretend meat or something like corn on the cob?)

ThisIsANickname · 07/04/2012 13:55

Oh for goodness sakes. When you invite people around to a dinner party, BBQ or any other get together, you are obliged as the host to feed them. As long as you are taking into account their dietary requirements, i.e. something that they are morally opposed to or allergic to, the guest should be grateful that they have been provided for at all.

It's not like the meat eaters in this scenario have been told that since they do eat meat at all, they aren't welcome to the food at the BBQ (which I agree, would be quite rude).

I am a meat eater, but I have had people around for BBQs that turned out to be vegetarian (we were going for a greek theme, and I don't like lamb). Did I do my other meat-eating friends some kind of disservice because I provided them with loads of delicious food that happened to be meat free? No. And anyone who said I did would not be invited around again due to their incredibly selfish and ungrateful attitude.

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