to be a bit offended by a local MN section, women requesting to meet Asian women (only it seems)

[bitofcheese]

was looking through my local section and saw more than one post by women wanting to specifically meet up with other asian women. whilst i can understand why people like to stick to their own group as people tend to feel more comfortable with people they are more familiar with i can't help but feel like an outsider and a bit offended, i am not the only one, a few other people posted being a bit shocked. i like to meet all sorts of people, i don't care what their skin colour/nationality/religion is so to feel un-invited is a bit off really. imagine if someone had put a request to meet ie white english mothers, pretty awful really

What really is a white asian? TBH, I'm not really sure if it exists. Does any white person call themselves asian - really? I've lived in asia, I've known white people born and spent their whole life there and they would never refer to themselves as asian and I don't think the asian people around them would ever call or think of them as asian. I'm truly surprised at this.

"cremeeggs - This is what I just don't understand. It's fine for an Asian person to ask to meet only Asian people(because of cultural differences), but it's not fine for a non- Asian person to ask to meet only non-Asian people(because of cultural differences)..............please explain?"

because asking to meet other Asian mums does not = asking to meet non white mums, that would be a different matter entirely and unacceptable

It is asking to meet people that have a common experience rather than asking to exclude one group, totally different! nothing sinister about it at all! Sometimes we need to seek people who have had shared experiences, and someone raising a child in their home town where generations of their family lives may be a great valued friend to a mum who moved with some or none of her family half way round the world, but they will not, no matter how much they do empathise, really understand in the same way that someone else who is also raising a child half a world away from family

"So would it be ok for me to post a message asking to only meet English people?"

if you are abroad and need to seek them then yes that's fine, if you are in England and doing it to EXCLUDE others, no

YABU - I'm about to post something requesting to meet white women of the Protestant faith (no Jews, gypsies or Poles) with white children raised as Protestants. I'm sure no one will be outraged or offended.

bitofcheese I'm glad I made a bit of sense!

I think most people on here seem to be getting the point about WHY we get posts like this, at the same time I don't think its right to specifically exclude anyone either. Maybe people should word their requests for friends as being 'Asian or Asian-friendly mums of any background'?! Or does that still offend someone?

Maybe the advert should be worded as 'asian mum (or gujerai speaking mum, or moslem mum etc) looking friendship with other mums.' In that way she sn't excluding anyone and it would be a signal to other asian mums that they would be welcome to contact her (just in case they are reticent about doing so).

mirry2 your way sounds much better

OP agree that elements of your situation are sad. It is a shame that you feel isolated which I guess explains your initial sensivity to the original ad. Personally I am no fan of segregation but recognise strongly the need to have friends from the same backgound as well as different backgrounds.

I myself live in a very ethnically mixed area. I find however most mothers groups (nct, surestart, etc) are made up largely of individuals from the majority group as in my experience they are more likely to participate in mainstream public life and institutions where I live. Even with such a high proportion of the community coming from a minority ethnic group I would (if I was new to the area) not necc find many people from the same cultural background in these places. Hence perhaps the need for the woman to place the ad.

Regarding your isolation - even in an area with such a high minority community there must be ways for you to meet people from a range of communities without worrying about this ad.

stop - i'm fine about the ad now since i have opened my mind up to more than how i just initially reacted to it. sure, i'll be fine, i make friends easily enough :)

IMO good wording would be
"I am an Asian mum living in X finding it difficult to raise my child in a new country whilst still keeping them aware of our heritage and traditions, would love to meet up with anyone in a similar position"

but then, that is what I interpreted the post to mean anyway....

hat of to you op you have responded to posts,taken abit of stick,admitted to seeing others opinions and staying on the thread which many ops dont

good for you

YABU

This is nothing like someone specifying "only white mums".

If someone is in a majority group and specifies only people from that group then the motivation is clearly discriminatory as it would be easy for them to meet people who share their background. By specifying only their own group they are inevitably shutting out other cultures.

If someone is in a minority group and specifies only people from that group then the motive is probably not discriminatory - it would be easy to meet people from the majority group but possibly not so easy to find people who share a background as they would be few and far between. By specifying only their own group they aren't so much shutting other cultures out as trying to preserve their links with their own. They are living in the other culture so already experiencing it.

If someone living in Asia asked for only Asian mums then that would be discriminatory.

OP where in the country are you ?

Good for you bitofcheese.

I don't see anything wrong with wanting to meet up with others who hare a language, especially to encourage bilingual children. Don't really get 'Asian' in this context given its diversity though.

I was quite surprised to see a Mum advertising to me other Australian new mums though, especially given I live in London, in an area where there are lots of Aussie families. I expressed my surprise at this to an Australian friend and she explained it was about meeting mums who also have newborns and share the difficulty of being so far from home. I thought that made sense and felt a bit of a fool for asking.

Your OP is misleading. The mums asked to meet other mums from the same country, not the same continent. I think it's totally understandable. In your OP you said they asked only to meet Asians, and then later you said mums from Bangladesh or Pakistan.

If you don't mix with the local 'Asian' people how do you know which country they're from?

gunz east london. lets - i know that the majority of mothers at the school gate in question are from pakistan for many reasons one of which is that my dd was best of friends with a little girl from pakistan, i used to make a point of chatting to her mother to see if i could arrange for her dd to come over. her mother told me that she was from there, had been here for 5 years. she also made me aware that the mojority of the other asian women were also from there. plus dd's teacher mentioned it to do with school work

cheese My point was to show that just as there are black english people there are going to be white asian people. People of all colours live all around the world. While people in one area might be predominately one colour there is always going to be a minority who are a different one.

I actually think that asking to meet Pakistani MNetters in her local area would be very different to the sort of mums and extended family members she might have in her social circle already.

I think she is craving friendships with a very particular sort of person, a sort of person that may be very hard to find normally.

I do this too - I would love to be friends with a certain sort of MNetter but they dont exist where I live iyswim. Just because I meet lots of people who, to an outsider look like me, they are not the same.

you i understand what you are saying, i now see this as others here have pointed out the same, i can see this :)