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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit offended by a local MN section, women requesting to meet Asian women (only it seems)

195 replies

bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 22:00

was looking through my local section and saw more than one post by women wanting to specifically meet up with other asian women. whilst i can understand why people like to stick to their own group as people tend to feel more comfortable with people they are more familiar with i can't help but feel like an outsider and a bit offended, i am not the only one, a few other people posted being a bit shocked. i like to meet all sorts of people, i don't care what their skin colour/nationality/religion is so to feel un-invited is a bit off really. imagine if someone had put a request to meet ie white english mothers, pretty awful really

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 22:41

Also OP you said i would love to have more close asian female friends

So why is it ok for you to say that but not her?

Or is it just because she advertised and your didn't? Confused

Casmama · 04/04/2012 22:41

"whatever you say to justify it it won't change my opinion of what i read."
Well don't post in Aibu then if you have already made up you mind.

fluffypillow · 04/04/2012 22:43

So, worraliberty, would it be ok to post....... 'Looking to meet up with white Mums in my area' ? this would not be acceptable, right?

I MAY not have a huge amount in common with an Asian person, but how would I know if I don't get the chance to find out. This is what is wrong with the world.

FreudianSlipper · 04/04/2012 22:44

and why do you want more close asian friends do you want a token friend from each country that is so patronising can you not see that

IneedAbetterNicknameIn2012 · 04/04/2012 22:44

I teach ESOL to a group of women, mainly Nepali, some from Bangladesh, India, Pakistan. I am white and Christian.
One of the younger ladies told me she would like to meet me for coffee/lunch one day and that she would arrange it with me the following week. Her husband said she wasn't allowed to meet me, as I am British. Maybe the Mum on here is in a similar position?

thekidsrule · 04/04/2012 22:46

yanbu i get where your coming from but you wont get many in agreement with you on this

im suprised somebody hasnt pipped up with "its really none of your buisness" blah blah

BulletProof · 04/04/2012 22:50

It really is none of your business who she wants to meet. There I said it... You're being judgemental beyond belief, find something better to do.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 22:51

Fluffy White is a totally different matter because that's focusing on colour only.

I could meet a white German tomorrow and not have a clue what they're talking about so therefore the fact they're white would be neither here no there to me.

This woman wants to meet Asian mothers...she has not specified a skin colour.

Surely you can understand that she might be lonely for someone of a similar background to herself if for example all her other friends are not Asian?

BulletProof · 04/04/2012 22:52

I'm half Asian and half Irish and this whole thread makes me want to vomit.

Cremeeggsandkitkatsoldiers · 04/04/2012 22:55

"I MAY not have a huge amount in common with an Asian person, but how would I know if I don't get the chance to find out. This is what is wrong with the world"

this is illogical and doesn't even apply to the OP! If the poster WAS mixing with lots of other Asian women already then she wouldn't feel the need to post to meet some would she?
Someone who posts an ad looking for someone from their own culture most likely IS NOT living in an ex pat bubble and is mixing mostly with people from DIFFERENT cultures - hense the need for the ad? right?

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 22:56

Exactly Cremeeggs but I think some people are too busy being offended to understand that logic.

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 22:58

the kid - i knew this post would set the cat among the pigeons but i wanted to post it. there is alot of racism in this country because people don't mix, people fear other cultures of which they know nothing about. i like to mix with people, no i don't like to 'collect' different types of friends. I don't discriminate so i don't like to feel discriminated against either. i like to have friends because they are nice people, it shouldn't matter what culture i am part of/or they are part of. whilst i understand people feel more comfortable among their own culture to not give someone outside of your culture a chance is sad/closed off.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:01

bitofcheese

How do you know whether the Asian woman mixes with other cultures?

Do you know her friends?

Do you know where they're all from?

Do you know the woman is not a mixer?

Or do you just know (like the rest of us) that she posted asking to meet other Asian Mums in her local area?

Cremeeggsandkitkatsoldiers · 04/04/2012 23:05

I know a woman in my area who founded a whole ex pat organisation, with play groups, pub nights, all sorts.

She didn't do it because she didn't want to mix with other cultures, she did it because she was ONLY mixing with other cultures and realised that she was even forgetting her own language. Her husband was english, she didn't work with anyone from her country, her friends were mostly locals...

Anyone who is interested in that culture and language is very welcome to the groups/evenings she organises, regardless of background, but it wouldn't be what it is if it didn't primarily attract people from that culture

It may well have started out with an ad like the OP's

ilikecandyandrunning · 04/04/2012 23:06

Yabvu, why are you making this about you? As fredianslipper said so well on page 1, you have no idea what it os like to be in a minority and they probably just want to meet some people who share their culture etc - that is NOT discrimination. Get over yourself!

fluffypillow · 04/04/2012 23:06

Ok then worraliberty, would it be ok to put........ 'looking for non-Asian Mums to meet up with?'

Lovecat · 04/04/2012 23:07

When DD was a baby I looked on NM and MN local, desperate to meet up with other local mums as none of my friends had children or were at home during the day and there were no playgroups in walking distance. Pretty much all the ads in my local area specified Asian or Muslim mothers wanting to meet similar (I live on the edge of a v. Asian area). Being neither, I put my own ad on and got no replies at all.

Tbh, reading ad after ad from women wanting muslim-only friends did feel pretty isolating - not offensive as such, I wasn't offended that no-one wanted to meet up with me (whether because of race, religion or whatever) - but it did make me feel a bit shit and unwanted.

I think YABU to be offended, but I did wonder at the time why the ads were all so specific - it felt exclusionary.

Robinredboobs · 04/04/2012 23:08

"People do understand the difference between Asian (a geographical area) and white (a skin colour), right?"

So I live in Asia and I'm white. Would she want to meet uup with me? Asia is a huge geographical area..Are Chinese and Koreans ok? Or are we talking Malasians , Indians, who? I think it IS about skin colour too, sorry.

FreudianSlipper · 04/04/2012 23:09

bitofcheese you are so patronising she is probably a little fed up of people like you telling her that all she needs to do is mix and all will be ok, it is more complex than that. her being friends with you may be a huge problem for her, you do not share the same life as her, you will not be faced with the same difficulties as her and she may need support of others who know and understnad what she is experiencing

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:10

lovecat - you have hit the nail on the head. my use of the word 'offended' was the wrong word, you put how i felt much better than i did, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:11

robin, no, in the posts the women specified women from Pakinstan & (from memory) Bengali women, nothing to do with skin colour

OP posts:
unsurebutworried · 04/04/2012 23:11

Looking to meet someone of Asian extraction would be akin to meeting someone of European extraction, not white. Anyways, Asia is a big place so you could get responses from someone of a completely different culture. Whatever helps you get through the day really.

Bet you when Mumsnet goes American there will be loads of Christian moms looking to meet Christian moms.

I personally would love to meet someone from Lichtenstein. Has anyone every met somebody from Lichtenstein?

Cremeeggsandkitkatsoldiers · 04/04/2012 23:12

"Ok then worraliberty, would it be ok to put........ 'looking for non-Asian Mums to meet up with?'"

no it wouldn't

but it would be okay for christians to seek other christian parents if they felt they shared common issues, to move abroad and meet up with other English people, to move to a rural area and seek other people who moved from city to rural, or to move to a city and seek other mums who have made the move from rual to city.... are you seeing the difference there?

bronze · 04/04/2012 23:12

The bit I don't understand is when people say the might want to meet people from the same culture. Are people from Mongolia, India and Turkey all of the same culture then? Asia is a whacking great area

LeBOF · 04/04/2012 23:13

"Ok then worraliberty, would it be ok to put........ 'looking for non-Asian Mums to meet up with?'"

But nobody has ever posted that. It's a straw man argument.