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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit offended by a local MN section, women requesting to meet Asian women (only it seems)

195 replies

bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 22:00

was looking through my local section and saw more than one post by women wanting to specifically meet up with other asian women. whilst i can understand why people like to stick to their own group as people tend to feel more comfortable with people they are more familiar with i can't help but feel like an outsider and a bit offended, i am not the only one, a few other people posted being a bit shocked. i like to meet all sorts of people, i don't care what their skin colour/nationality/religion is so to feel un-invited is a bit off really. imagine if someone had put a request to meet ie white english mothers, pretty awful really

OP posts:
Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:14

freud - you are deliberately only seeing it from one angle. i am able to see it from one clear point you are making and agree, cultures can be very different and a person and seek comfort in shared knowledge, i know & respect that. but my looking for motherly friends and knowing that i cannot be a part purely because i do not share the same culture most certainly does not make me patronising, fuck all to do with anything, rubbish

OP posts:
Cremeeggsandkitkatsoldiers · 04/04/2012 23:15

wherever from Asia they're from, if they are from there they have made a BIG move to a new culture and have that in common?

Like if I moved to Asia I'ld feel I had something in common with people who moved to Asia from America as we would both be adjusting to a BIG long distance move

bronze · 04/04/2012 23:17

Ah just seen the comment to Robin
Even then you can get different cultures within the same country

FreudianSlipper · 04/04/2012 23:18

it is patronising

i would love more asian friends Hmm so becasue they are asian you want to be friends with them what as a token friend, nothing to do with them personally. this woman is looking to meet up with other women who share a similar cultural background and there could be many reasons why she feels she needs that

fluffypillow · 04/04/2012 23:18

cremeeggs - This is what I just don't understand. It's fine for an Asian person to ask to meet only Asian people(because of cultural differences), but it's not fine for a non- Asian person to ask to meet only non-Asian people(because of cultural differences)..............please explain?

mercibucket · 04/04/2012 23:20

I lived abroad. I wouldn't have posted that I wanted to meet other 'European' or 'British' mums. I might have wanted to, but I wouldn't have posted an ad, because i would have worried about offending people in the country I lived in.

And they would have been offended!

I guess you can take that on lots of different levels. maybe it's great that we live somewhere that people feel comfortable posting ads to meet people from similar ethnic/geographical/cultural areas to our own for example

I know that when I moved back to the UK I was quite offended by some of the 'Asian women's walking group' type posters, simply because I would never have dreamt of putting up a similar poster in a health clinic in any of the countries I'd lived in, but I soon adapted back to UK cultural mores.

I have to say that just cos I wouldn't put up a poster in a public place or on a public forum, didn't mean I didn't look for or join groups that were 'expat' in nature, not really 'British' but 'expat in general' - it's quite normal to want to meet up with others who share your cultural expectations/background/experience

Robinredboobs · 04/04/2012 23:21

"wherever from Asia they're from, if they are from there they have made a BIG move to a new culture and have that in common?"

But Cremeeggs, I would have thought this lady actually calls herslef British? Yes she may have just stepped off the plane yesterday but isn't it more or just as likely she was born here but still wants to integrate only with "Asians"? I don't even know why im replyiing on this thread because I absolutely see no problem with her advertising it - but I can see where other posters are coming from about feeling excluded and if it WAS the other way round for some reason it would not be fine.

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:22

nah freud, you are deliberately making this nasty on my part and it isn't. i haven't set out wanting 'an asian friend' the way you are twisting it. my point is i wanted more mother friends and didn't like the way it seemed that i specifically wouldn't be able to have an asian friend as there was some kind of invisible divider that had been put up. i don't care what my would be friend was, i have already clearly stated this, i am not the one making a list of rules as to what my would be friend was like. i hadn't gone on the local site looking for any specific requirements that my new friend would have to have but was brought to my attention by other posters although i do not understand more why as to these posters would have specified mothers of pakistan or bengali origin.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:22

"Ok then worraliberty, would it be ok to put........ 'looking for non-Asian Mums to meet up with?'"

No, but "Looking for other English/Irish/Scottish/insert whatever Mums to meet up with" would be fine IMO.

Actually just "Looking for other Mums to meet up with" is probably enough to annoy the OP.

I mean, imagine only mixing with other Mums Shock

LeBOF · 04/04/2012 23:22

Fluffypillow, if we are in the business of specious arguments to make a point, do you think that straight people should be able to specify that they don't want to meet anybody gay?

thekidsrule · 04/04/2012 23:23

ok devils advocote and all that

some say maybe the lady has recently moved to the uk and thats the reason,lets says ok fair enough for arguments sake

BUT what if this lady had lived here for many years or born here is it still ok then to be so specific asking for just Asian ladys??

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:24

i meant to say that i do now understand more now as to why these posters would have specified mothers of panistan or bengali origin

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:26

BUT what if this lady had lived here for many years or born here is it still ok then to be so specific asking for just Asian ladys??

Well yes, if all her friends are non Asian...and we don't know that they're not do we?

Perhaps that's the reason she made the post?

Gunznroses · 04/04/2012 23:26

Bronze - i think if you are with a group of asian, african or european women, you will find the cultural differences that you speak off within those groups will not be so wide as for them not to be able to relate to eachother, the differences between those different groups though e.g asian to european would be wide enough to require a deeper understanding for either group to relate effectively.

Robinredboobs · 04/04/2012 23:27

"Looking for other English Mums would be ok"

Nahhh. I'm not buying it. I bet plenty of people would get upset if someone posted that whilst looking for friends.

FreudianSlipper · 04/04/2012 23:28

op you have changed your stance a little, maybe you have learnt something. but your original post was very much along the lines imagine if i did that how unfair it is on me and i am offended

often the case when many are not agreeing with you

mercibucket · 04/04/2012 23:28

especially in Australia Grin

mercibucket · 04/04/2012 23:28

(sorry, that was to robinredboobs)

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:31

Nahhh. I'm not buying it. I bet plenty of people would get upset if someone posted that whilst looking for friends

Yeah but some people on MN get upset when someone touches their baby...so you're always going to upset someone.

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:32

freud - i am a big girl and am always ready to listen and be educated. yes, there was one specific poster who really made me think about how possibly these women posters felt alot of support from other women who shared the same background as them, and that it wasn't personal. I hadn't read their posts as this so i accept it. but there is still a part of me that thinks how will people ever mix if it is accepted that if one persons culture is so different how will your paths ever cross, i don't think it is healthy to live side by side but not be friendly with your fellow neighbours, and no, i don't mean knocking on each others doors asking for a cup of sugar

OP posts:
thekidsrule · 04/04/2012 23:33

maybe her family wont allow her to mix with non asians,so this is her only way

please dont say this does not happen as it does

and if that is the case (we will never know) poor lady but thats another thread

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:33

but there is still a part of me that thinks how will people ever mix if it is accepted that if one persons culture is so different how will your paths ever cross, i don't think it is healthy to live side by side but not be friendly with your fellow neighbours, and no, i don't mean knocking on each others doors asking for a cup of sugar

I agree wholeheartedly

But what does that have to do with the woman's post looking for other Asian Mums?

fluffypillow · 04/04/2012 23:36

Worraliberty...........Do you think if I posted that I only wanted to meet English Mums, that thread would only be 4 pages long by now?......Don't think so.

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:36

i think it is connected. it would appear that if people feel more comfortable building friendships with people that they share a similar background anyone outside of that remains a stranger

OP posts:
Robinredboobs · 04/04/2012 23:36

"Yeah but some people on MN get upset when someone touches their baby...so you're always going to upset someone"

Haha, yes you are right :)