Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit offended by a local MN section, women requesting to meet Asian women (only it seems)

195 replies

bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 22:00

was looking through my local section and saw more than one post by women wanting to specifically meet up with other asian women. whilst i can understand why people like to stick to their own group as people tend to feel more comfortable with people they are more familiar with i can't help but feel like an outsider and a bit offended, i am not the only one, a few other people posted being a bit shocked. i like to meet all sorts of people, i don't care what their skin colour/nationality/religion is so to feel un-invited is a bit off really. imagine if someone had put a request to meet ie white english mothers, pretty awful really

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:38

OP you seem as though you're really assuming this lady only mixes with other Asians?

If she only mixed with other Asians, why would she need to start the thread asking to meet other Asian Mums?

Surely she'd have loads already.

FreudianSlipper · 04/04/2012 23:42

agree with worra

first step is not only understanding other cultures but accepting them too

and this woman is not representative of the asian community, she is one woman looking for other women that maybe understand her

Kladdkaka · 04/04/2012 23:43

At the risk of getting my head shot off for sticking it above the parapet ... I'm a foreigner here and I've posted on another forum and said I'm looking for English mums to meet up with. Several times. It not about not mingling with the natives. Most of the people I know are. But sometimes you just want to have a natter with someone from your own tribe. Even if it's just to speak your mother language at full speed without see this: Confused on the faces looking back at you.

Dustinthewind · 04/04/2012 23:44

'i would love to have more close asian female friends'

Enough to learn another language so that you can chat?

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:45

where i live there are alot of asian mothers/women from Pakistan and i have noticed that they do not mix with other mothers so i do not think it unusual tbh, just somewhat surprised to see it in black and white, all be it more understandable now

OP posts:
Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:47

dustin i can't believe that you would think that to have a friend from ie pakistan that i would have to learn her language in order for me to have a friendship/conversation with her, blimey

OP posts:
ouryve · 04/04/2012 23:47

Get over yourself.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:50

There are a lot of Asian mothers here in London too

Some mix outside of their race and some don't...just like some non Asian mothers mix with Asian mothers and some don't.

I just really think you've made a lot of assumptions based on one tiny advert.

Original poster
bitofcheese · 04/04/2012 23:53

worra - it's very closed off where i live and i guess seeing those posts were a continuation of how much of an outsider i feel

OP posts:
TheBigJessie · 04/04/2012 23:54

There's a huge difference between
a) I am a person from the pre-dominating racial group in this country and I only want friends from the ethnic majority.

and

b) I am a person from a minority group, and I'm searching for someone else from my minority to be friends with, too.

If you are a member of the pre-dominating racial group, you can pretty much take it for granted, that most of the respondents will be from your own group. Therefore, if you explicitly declared that was all you wanted as friends, it would be taken as explicit dislike of other races.

In the latter, (b) it's quite easily someone who just wants to meet someone else who will have some particular things in common.

WorraLiberty · 04/04/2012 23:57

That's a shame OP

Do you try hard to mix with the people who close you off?

I've found that here, it can be very much a generational thing....as to whether some Asian women are totally happy to mix or not.

Years ago (I'm nearly 43) it was almost unheard of but as the generations go by, I've noticed quite a change in the amount of non Asians and Asians who mix properly.

By properly I mean socially and not just having each others kids over to play etc...

TheBigJessie · 04/04/2012 23:57

I always think that threads complaining about this kind of thing, are like people feeling hurt because there are female-only and men-only swimming sessions.

Try and think about it from someone else's point of view.

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2012 00:00

Oh God Jessie you should have seen the furore 'Asian Female only' swimming sessions caused at a local holiday camp here a few years ago Shock

Mind you that was a whole other subject and caused huge bad feelings all round.

Original poster
bitofcheese · 05/04/2012 00:01

worra - i am quite shy and tend to keep myself to myself although i am friendly/chatty (depending on what mood i am in). i tend to shy away from the loud cliquey groups. yes i have (in answer to your question) but it never goes anywhere really ie no real friendships just surface chit chat.i have a busy life and am quite solitary really, just thought it would be nice, that's all

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 05/04/2012 00:02

'dustin i can't believe that you would think that to have a friend from ie pakistan that i would have to learn her language in order for me to have a friendship/conversation with her, blimey'

Really? I have numerous bilingual friends, but I would completely understand if they wanted to find friends that spoke their first language for ease of communication and a shared culture.
Come to think of it, I was in the middle of a FB conversation with two friends, and they kept commenting to each other in their first language, and to me in English.
I was just wondering how far you were prepared to go, or if a requirement for you to have a close Asian friend was for her to speak English.

Original poster
bitofcheese · 05/04/2012 00:05

if a women is from ie Pakistan origin it doesn't mean she doesn't speak english fluently, she may well have been born here. i understand what you mean if someone was born in another country and it would thus be more natural/comfortable for them to speak their first language

OP posts:
Mimishimi · 05/04/2012 00:07

I think YABU about the post but YANBU about being disapp

WorraLiberty · 05/04/2012 00:08

Could you not put your own ad in your local MN section OP?

FreudianSlipper · 05/04/2012 00:09

have you placed an advert yourself?

i did on another site and made two friends their sons are the same age as ds. i have now moved, our lives have all moved on so we hardly see each other now. i to hated mother and baby groups, can be quite shy and ok with my own compnay but at times did need more (also single) it is quite easy to talk yourself out of making an effort if you are ok with your own company

Mimishimi · 05/04/2012 00:14

Sorry, pressed post accidentally. What I was going to say is YANBU to be disappointed that there isn't more mixing. My DH is Indian and through him have come to know some lovely people and then some not so lovely people who think mixing with anyone outside of their particular group will inevitably lead to their, or their children's, downfall. I find that extremely offensive, especially when they boast about the benefit of living in a Western society to family/friends back home but also make disparaging remarks about "Western culture" as if it were all the same everywhere and universally a bad influence. They are the kind of people I, and my husband, would gladly see sent off packing back to India.

Mimishimi · 05/04/2012 00:15

Just wanted to add that most people who don't mix are not like this. Usually they are just uncomfortable with the language and homesick as well.

HalfPastWine · 05/04/2012 01:57

On joining any dating site you are allowed to state preferences to sexuality, ethnicity etc so why shouldn't that stand on an MN or similar networking site? But, because we are all now becoming conditioned to not 'offend' anyone when we see an advert for ' asian only' or 'white only' some people can immediately jump to the wrong conclusion. As stated up thread, the person who placed the advert didn't go into detail as to why they were looking for a particular group of respondents (not that they should have to). This is bound to cause a reaction with some people who think it doesn't sit well in the name of integration. Perhaps the advert could have been worded better to avoid this.

SodoffBaldrick · 05/04/2012 02:03

I bet if someone had posted asking to meet up with other Kiwi mums it wouldn't have even registered on your radar. It would have seemed like a perfectly normal thing for an expat far from home and pregnant first time to want to do.

HalfPastWine · 05/04/2012 02:08

Exactly Sodof

Too many people are looking for the racist slant on things these days.

stopthecavalry · 05/04/2012 10:02

Think thebigj summed this up well. If you are in the minority it will be much harder to meet someone from the same cultural background and so a targetted advert makes some sense. If you are in the majority then you can assume that most of the people responding to your ad will be from the same background and so there is no need to specify/exclude.

I think it has been made clear by many posters why at times you might specifically seek out the company of those you share a culture with.

Not sure what the op doesn't get about all of this.

Swipe left for the next trending thread