Wife spending money and hiding evidence!

[garfield2050]

My wife and I have a joint account. I earn £30,000pa, she earns £10,000pa.
We agreed that spending on items over about £40 would be discussed, prior to making a purchase.
Recently I discovered several purchases of £70 & £90 on a credit card, which we keep as a back up.
I noticed the bill had arrived but she opened it, then it disappeared. I looked in her handbag and found the bill. When I asked her how much we owed, she claimed nothing was due.
I lost my temper. Shouted about her lying to me about money.
When I had calmed down, I tried to talk to her about it. She apologised, but I'm not sure she took on board my concerns.
It is mostly the concealment and lying that upset me. We are ok for money, but not if we both make big purchases at the same time. That was the reason for for our agreement.
So am I being unreasonable to be upset or am I in the wrong?

um, might be barking up the wrong tree but is your wife on mumsnet?

No, she is not. I have posted here before, but have name changed to avoid being recognised.

YANBU to be upset, my exH could be like that with money and it can damage the trust and respect in a relationship, but shouting and loosing your temper wont help the situation, I would find the right time to have a civilised discussion about it and go from there.

I would be furious in your position.

She is putting you into debt without your agreement and lying about it.

She's basically stealing from you.

I would not be prepared to stay married (and financially tethered to) someone who lied to and stole from me.

Perhaps she hides things cos you lose your temper and shout?

Do YOU ask HER about spends over £40 before YOU spend them?

When I asked her how much we owed, she claimed nothing was due.

The balance would be on the bill.

YANBU, to be upset. What did she buy that she wanted to hide so much?

I don't think you should shout at your wife.

I can see why you'd be annoyed that this was hidden from you, but shouting seems a little bit much just for slightly breaking what is after all only a friendly agreement, not some sort of legally binding contract.

Also why did you snoop in her bag rather than just asking her straight out, 'I'm sure I saw a credit card bill had arrived, what happened to it?' It kind of sounds as though neither of you quite trust the other one.

Blimey, I am glad I don't have to ask about every spend over £40. I would be constantly on the phone to DH.

Do you always go in her handbag without permission?

Yes, I always let her know if I'm planning a spend over £40. It is open for discussion. It was my idea to have the £40 discussion point, so I have stuck to it.

i have been in your situation OP and it is horrible. EXp and i were saving for a mortgage and we both agreed that a certain account would be for the savings that we put equal amounts into. i found shopping bags with receipts for clothing in the bottom of his side of the wardrobe a few times and was devastated. i thought he was being honest when he agreed to save the money. i couldn't trust him after that. i dont really know how you can deal with this. does your wife accept that she has damaged the trust?

can i also ask, did your wife know you were looking through her handbag?

At the moment I earn nowt. I buy what I like as long as I know we have enough money for it. HTH

Oh and DH would not dream on bollocking me for spending £70/90. And he would not be routing in my handbag to look for evidence of things to bollock me for. I am not a child to be disciplined by my partner.

What I would expect, is for them to say something like, money is very short this week so we both need to be more careful at the moment, is there anything we need just now? Like an adult.

YANBU to be upset that your DW has a) apparantly gone against a mutually agreed arrangement and b)been lying. The only thing is - do you have a significant birthday coming up? Because if all finances are shared and out in the open surprises can be very difficult. Do you know what the money was spent on?

In any case, shouting and temper loss is not going to help, so maybe trey again, more objectively, possibly starting with an open question such as 'is the way we organise our finances working out as well as it might?'.

Do you both have exactly the same amount of access to all your monies and the same amount of disposable, potentially? Suppose she wanted £90 shoes - how would it be managed? Would it be better if you both had the same amount f spending money in your own sole accounts so that you can each save and budget for bigger purchases independently?

Either way, yes, mytual discussion is the way forward - not subterfuge, lying, searching handbags and shouting.

Good luck.

I think if you've got an agreement in place, if either of you break it then yes, you've definitely got grounds for being upset/angry so no, you're not being unreasonable at all. But she obviously she hid the "evidence" cos she knew you'd (rightly) be upset and was afraid of you finding out which shows she knew she was in the wrong - I think the losing your temper and shouting bit was over the top though...but understandable I guess. I think another cool, calm collected discussion (no shouting this time!) is needed!

£40??! That's bonkers. And controlling. And ridiculous.

HTH.

Rather than the £40 limit, wouldn't it be better to have a budget set and if either of you wants to blow theirs on larger purchases they can.

Have all the bills, mortgage/rent etc come out a joint account then pay some into an individual spending account for each of you.

I don't think a £40 limit is bonkers, controlling or ridiculous if both the OP and his wife agreed to it! If it was being imposed by one party against the wishes of the other then yes, it is all of the above, but the OP clearly said it's what both of them agreed to.

£40 isn't ridiculous and controlling if there is very little leeway once all the household committments have been met, and it works equally for both partners, i,e both consult.

A gentleman would never look in a lady's handbag (YABU)

What has she been spending the money on

I used to do this. It was, basically, a survival strategy. I knew what the reaction to me purchasing anything would be, and the risk of being found lying was a better risk than the inevitable row.

Did you actually sit down, talk and mutually agree to the £40 limit, or did you actually just tell her? There is a difference.

Do you control the finances?

Do you usually react like that? Because if you do, that is precisely why this has happened.

Oh, and £40 is a ridiculous amount, it would be better to sit down together, work out a budget and split what is left over from both salaries 3 ways - you, your DW and savings. With no questions asked about how it is spent.

Cut up the credit cards - problem solved.

£40 is a lot of money in most households.

This woman has spent over £100 on credit and lied about it.

I'd be controlling with my money if I was having to share it with someone dishonest and with the power to get me into serious debt.

If it's OK to go through your spouse's phone if you have good reason to think they are cheating, then it's OK to go through their bag if you think they have been thieving.

"£40??! That's bonkers. And controlling. And ridiculous."

how can you say that without knowing their financial situation? £40 might seem like nothing to you but i couldn't afford to have £40 go out of my account never mind £90! if i was in a relationship i wouldn't expect to give free reign over the account to my partner.