Wife spending money and hiding evidence!

[garfield2050]

My wife and I have a joint account. I earn £30,000pa, she earns £10,000pa.
We agreed that spending on items over about £40 would be discussed, prior to making a purchase.
Recently I discovered several purchases of £70 & £90 on a credit card, which we keep as a back up.
I noticed the bill had arrived but she opened it, then it disappeared. I looked in her handbag and found the bill. When I asked her how much we owed, she claimed nothing was due.
I lost my temper. Shouted about her lying to me about money.
When I had calmed down, I tried to talk to her about it. She apologised, but I'm not sure she took on board my concerns.
It is mostly the concealment and lying that upset me. We are ok for money, but not if we both make big purchases at the same time. That was the reason for for our agreement.
So am I being unreasonable to be upset or am I in the wrong?

Maybe you should have just kept the OP gender neutral

lying, if you always sit on the fence, what is the point of responding to a thread like this

people are asking for opinions, not a safe non-comment

it's just blah to post "well it might be this, it might be that"

well, yes, of course

so just type "blah" and leae it at that, I mean what is the point of wearing your keyboard out if you don't actually say anything

If you had actually posted the real story, we could have helped you.

It;s not normal to hide large purchases from your partner and screaming helps no one.

Divide up what's left at the end of the month and put it in individual accounts to spend as you wish.

And I'd still be more concerned at why he feels he has to lie about money. And FWIW I hate reverse AIBUs, they're sneaky, dishonest and controlling.

OP, if you had posted the straight facts, you would have had my whole hearted support

now I can't be arsed

" I was interested to see if it being posted from a male perspective, would generate less or more sympathetic responses."

Why?

The problem is still about trust, respect and coming to an agreement about money regardless, by misleading others you haven't gotten any better advice

well, she has suceeded in putting normally-supportive posters backs up

so, epic fail there

AF... I generally don't 'sit on the fence' but really don't care what you think of my posts; yours tend to meld into one repeated response that I can see and I'm sure you don't care what I think either.

I don't have to critique my posts to you, nor you me. Let's leave it there, shall we?

How wrong can someone be?!

OP, it doesn't matter either way, it's still lying and concealing big purchases. Needs a big talk with him about why and what your future plans re money are.

it was you that commenced the critiquing, lying by implying that those people who did form an opinion were in the wrong here

I think the £40 limit shows a real lack of trust on both sides.

The limit is irrelevant as only the OP and her DH know the intimacies of their finances. What is relevant is the lying, and more importantly why he lied/felt the need.

I'm confused, why would you get different responses? There is always a mix in any thread regarding trust/lying issues. The only difference is you will loose support due to tge way you posted.

Why is the sex of the OP and the sex of the overspending partner 'the biggest fact of all'?
It shouldn't make a difference.

My response to the OP remains the same.

The issue is the lying. Either he HAD to lie because you are unnecessarily controlling (in which case he should leave the bitch) or he lied because he is an overspending thoughtless git (in which case you should leave the bastard)

OR if really you're both quite normal sane people you should just have a grown up chat about it and move on...

That situation is familiar to me. The money split, the limit on spending etc. I did complain when my wife spent £40 on luxuries. I felt bad about it afterwards, but we are saving really hard and the idea is to have as little unnecessary spending as possible. I think we've done so well saving in the last year, that and a bottle of chanel no.5 are the only exceptions :)

I think you've got to have a shared focus if you're going to be that tight with money. Maybe spend some time working with your H through the finances. I agree that maybe having your own allowances each month might suit you both better. It's definitely unreasonable to hide spending deliberately, so you'll have to fix that.

Well maybe thats what didnt feel right to me!

anyway, I still think what I thunk before and that you should divvy up the same amount each into individual accounts and then if he spends all his on golf clubs thats up to him, but once its gone its gone. FWIW, under these circumstances I would be pissed off at the spending on things he doesnt need, the same as I would if the ficticious wife had bought unneeded shoes or spa days or whatever.

Is the CC in joint names? If so then you are right to be concerned, but if not then make sure that you contact credit reference agencies to make sure that your finances are not linked on their systems, so if he doesnt keep up the payments you arent affected by it.

If you are living with someone who cant control their spending, lies about it and risks the family finances then it makes sense to protect yourself.