Wife spending money and hiding evidence!

[garfield2050]

My wife and I have a joint account. I earn £30,000pa, she earns £10,000pa.
We agreed that spending on items over about £40 would be discussed, prior to making a purchase.
Recently I discovered several purchases of £70 & £90 on a credit card, which we keep as a back up.
I noticed the bill had arrived but she opened it, then it disappeared. I looked in her handbag and found the bill. When I asked her how much we owed, she claimed nothing was due.
I lost my temper. Shouted about her lying to me about money.
When I had calmed down, I tried to talk to her about it. She apologised, but I'm not sure she took on board my concerns.
It is mostly the concealment and lying that upset me. We are ok for money, but not if we both make big purchases at the same time. That was the reason for for our agreement.
So am I being unreasonable to be upset or am I in the wrong?

£40?
£40?
£140 maybe

I agree with Totem.

Pool your money into a joint account that the mortgage, bills and food shopping comes out of, and split the rest 50/50 into your own individual accounts. That way, you have your own spends to do what you like with and once its gone, its gone.

What did she buy on the CC? Because it doesnt sound like she is a compulsive shopper and i wonder if she did it because she didnt have the money for what she needed and she knew that you would have said no.

Why is the fact that you earn £30,000 and she earns £10,000 relevant?

tbh it is really hard to tell from what you have posted if YABU or not. A mutual agreement should be stuck to. But you said you said she suggested the £40 limit.

So we would need to know whether this really was a mutual agreement i.e. did she feel pressured into agreeing with it, even if she didn't agree? If she discusses spending over £40 how do you react? If reasonable and if you can afford it you agree then fine.

But if you make a big deal out of it so she dreads discussing spending this amount, then I can see why she may have just went ahead and spent money behind your back.

So I think you need to look at your own behaviour and ask yourself whether there is a good reason for her to behave like this, or if she is actually a spendthrift. tbh the fact that you went through her handbag does tend to suggest that you may be over controlling as I can not imagine my DP thinking this was an okay thing to do.

This is making me feel very uncomfortable.

There is something not right here.....

Wow if my DH put a limit on my spends I would be in some serious shit. We have a perfect set up he earns all the money and I control the finances in our house. Having budgets to adhere to is ludicrous if your wife is out buying Jimmy Choos and chocolate teapots then I would have a word but if she is buying things for the house or some items of clothing then really what's the problem? This financial regime of yours has caused her to sneak about behind your back you need to lighten up a bit and show her some trust and respect!

YANBU. There is not 'control' here imo, they agreed a limit. OP hasn't said his dw has to ask permission or that he can spend what he likes. He said they both discuss purchases over £40. Of course there could be more to it. But based on the OP I would pissed if dh did this. To many households anything above £40 is a lot. I get your upset, but losing your temper isn't going to help or make her anymore likely to be honest. Still suspect this is a reverse aibu though

Me too Bogey, but I thought I might be projecting. It's exactly the sort of thing I put up with for far too long, the constant unnecessary questioning and restrictions.

stratters I have never experienced it myself, so no projection here and I have a very bad feeling about this.

£40 per purchase is a bit silly as a limit. Is this £40 a month? £40 a week? £40 a year? There is a significant difference between those. Surely better to have a monthly limit and then if someone has some left over from one month they can spend it the next. If you need to buy a pair of shoes or a coat, £40 doesn't go very far.

That makes me feel better Bogey, I just have a feeling, can't quite put my finger on it. Uneasy I guess.

I think you'd get completely different responses if you were a woman posting, OP. In your position, I'd speak to your wife and tell her your concerns and between you, agree what your spending policy is.

If purchases over £40 need to be agreed between you then that's what you both need to agree to and abide by. Only your wife can help you with sorting this out as only you two know what your financial position really is. I agree that lying is not a good thing, whoever does it, it's a breach of trust.

You didn't slap her did you?

Anyway, £40 isn't exactly a sensible limit. Why not just put available money for 'luxuries'(ie after all bills/savings etc) into separate accounts (split in two) and each spend what you like?

I was about to ask what the money was spent on.

If it was spent on things that were necessary, the fact that she felt she had to hide it would ring alarm bells.

I also wondered why the OP has included their relative salaries.

This thread has a twilight zone quality about it.

"We are ok for money, but not if we both make big purchases at the same time. That was the reason for for our agreement."

Controlling?

Or sensible for two people on a tight budget who share sn account?

You decide?

[hint: if a man was spending money this way and hiding it, we'd already be discussing what he'd bought for the OW with several purchases of £90 and £70.

And the OP would be told to secretly monitor his spending online, even if her name was not on the card. HTH]

The salaries bit was rather , why not put 'we jointly earn £40K'?

Tricky.

YANBU that she appeared to hide it from you then lied about the balance but YABU about other things.

What were the items she bought? I could understand why you would be upset of she'd spent £90 on a handbag & £70 on something flippant but if they were items for the house, gifts for you etc I would be inclined to think YABU.

£40 seems a bit stingy if I'm honest. Yes it's a fair whack of money but it doesn't go far these days. I recently went to Boots & bought various things for our 2 small children (wipes, nappies, baby food, toothbrushes, pack of vests for the baby), razors for DP & shampoo for me. Nothing huge on their own but it came to £42. Should I be calling my DP for permission to buy things we all need?

"Add message | Report | Message poster Stratters Sun 01-Apr-12 18:54:17
The salaries bit was rather , why not put 'we jointly earn £40K'?"

Bollocks, it's standard on MN threads to put salaries in terms of who earns what.

If he'd said it was "joint earnings" people would have bad feelings about why he wasn't upfront about who earned what.

Ah well, OP seems to have fucked orf so we will probs never know.

I don't blame him; what with the conspiracy theorists and pitchfork gatherers. It would never happen to a woman. Such double standards and it's pathetic.

I find this thread questionable too.

Far too many variables involved to be able to answer honestly and anyone who shouts at their partner in the manner described by the Op would make me question the dynamics of the relationship.

I merely said that I felt uncomfortable, as Stratters said "uneasy". I cant say why, I make no accusations, but there is something about this that makes me feel a bit ...well, uneasy!

Shouldn't have gone through her handbag then. The animosity is possibly due to a fair few of us experiencing financial abuse. That and the shouting.