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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wife spending money and hiding evidence!

118 replies

garfield2050 · 01/04/2012 18:16

My wife and I have a joint account. I earn £30,000pa, she earns £10,000pa.
We agreed that spending on items over about £40 would be discussed, prior to making a purchase.
Recently I discovered several purchases of £70 & £90 on a credit card, which we keep as a back up.
I noticed the bill had arrived but she opened it, then it disappeared. I looked in her handbag and found the bill. When I asked her how much we owed, she claimed nothing was due.
I lost my temper. Shouted about her lying to me about money.
When I had calmed down, I tried to talk to her about it. She apologised, but I'm not sure she took on board my concerns.
It is mostly the concealment and lying that upset me. We are ok for money, but not if we both make big purchases at the same time. That was the reason for for our agreement.
So am I being unreasonable to be upset or am I in the wrong?

OP posts:

MinnieBar · 01/04/2012 19:28

I'd be saying the same thing if the roles were reversed.

Anyway, seems moot now the OP's not coming back...

AThingInYourLife · 01/04/2012 19:28

If things were so tight financially that DH and I would be in trouble if we both spent £40 without the other knowing, I would tell him if that much had gone out of the account, regardless of what I spent it on. And I would expect (and receive) the same courtesy in return.

Life ain't fun when £80 out of an account in one day can put you over the limit, but it's finances that are controlling your spending, not abuse.

The idea that it's somehow demeaning to have to account for every penny when every penny counts is self-indulgent nonsense.

HolyCalamityJane · 01/04/2012 19:29

Where has OP gone? Maybe DW has found this thread and has battered him over head with her recent purchase! Must say if my DH was airing our dirty laundry on here I would clear the bank account out!

AThingInYourLife · 01/04/2012 19:31

Buying someone a "surprise" present doesn't justify overspending or lying about money.

Despite what spendthrifts think.

IAmBooyhoo · 01/04/2012 19:32

TBF i have several dozen handbags and i regularly order invite the dcs (i have no partner) to rummage in all the ones they can find to see if there might be a few coins i have forgotten about. there never are

Bogeyface · 01/04/2012 19:34

Oh well then, obviously we should feel free to project our own experiences onto whatever situation as we see fit

I have never lived in a financially abusive situation, so I am not projecting anything I assure you, and something about this thread just feels......wrong. I cant put my finger on it, perhaps it is the lack of info couple with the expectation of majority agreement, I dont know. But there is something that just doesnt seem right about it.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

heyannie · 01/04/2012 19:37

If both of you decided, separately, to spend £160 each on a credit card on a whim without telling eachother you would be up shit creek pretty quickly if you didn't keep track, especially if neither of you confronted the other about what was owed. I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to watch your finances (even if you are doing ok financially, things can go wrong very quickly and unexpectedly, and if the "emergency" credit card has been used for something unnecessary then what do you do). If you have shared funds, and one person uses them without prior agreement, and then lies about it, it puts enormous strain on the trust that the relationship should be built on, and I too would hit the roof if it happened to me.

Shouting is rarely the solution but who hasn't shouted when they have been angry?

Taking what you have written at face value, I think your wife is the unreasonable one. Unless, of course, she had to spend that money on essential clothing, or builders because the roof was caving in, or something like that. And if it was something sensible that she bought, she should have just discussed it with you as you agreed to do and then you wouldn't be in this position.

If it were one person's credit card they can do as she please and reap the consequences (if there are any), if it's a joint one, getting into debt without discussing it is just not fair.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:38

But she might not be a 'spendthrift'

The OP says he chose £40 as a limit and says they're ok if they don't both make 'big' purchases at the same time.

So what is a big purchase? £80? £150?

What does this cover? Does it cover food shopping?

'Discussion' - discuss . Is she hiding spending so she has clothes to wear and shoes on her feet? Has she recently lost weight and needs to buy a new wardrobe of clothes?

So much info not there.

TeaOneSugar · 01/04/2012 19:41

This is why I couldn't have a joint account.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2012 19:41

Me neither, Bogeyface, but you're not basing your feelings on anything factual from this thread, it's pure conjecture. I'm very, very wary of taking or giving advice based on what somebody posts. You can't see their face, hear their voice, interpret gestures... nothing.

You may be right, you may be wrong - but it can't be determined from the information posted by the OP, there isn't enough.

butterfingerz · 01/04/2012 19:41

God I'd hate to live like that, it's sounds so suffocating, if my DP was like that I'd wanna be single again. To be living in each others pockets to such a degree, where's the personal autonomy?

My friends relationship is like that, sometimes her mum has given her money to help out (couple of hundred every now and then) and she won't tell her DP. She's really careful with money, admirably so, but she's afraid of what he'll say if she purchases anything for herself so hides it or lies. Yet it's okay for him to have a £500 gym membership or buy a new mountain bike (or Audi TT! on finance)

JustHecate · 01/04/2012 19:43

just not enough info really.

On the face of it, not sticking to an agreement is not on.

But - if she's spending it on her 1000th pair of shoes, then she's unreasonable

If you say no to her spending money but somehow you spending it is agreed, then you are unreasonable

If all money is family money and things are tight, then she is unreasonable

If she's having to dip into a credit card to feed the children because you limit her access to money, then you are very unreasonable.

And we could speculate on a million possible situations here, which is why, like I said, there's just not enough info here.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:43

I can't imagine having to justify buying a new pair of shoes to DH.

JustHecate · 01/04/2012 19:45

I can if I've already got 999 pairs and money is tight

Original poster

garfield2050 · 01/04/2012 19:47

Hi, sorry for absence. Having dinner.
Ok, so apologies to those this is going to piss off, but I am the wife.
Husband is the one spending money on golf clubs and hiding it. Started a while back with lots of ebay, buying, then trading, of clubs. Was told, no extra money being spent, just recycled.
When I passed comment on one occasion, that I saw he had been successful in an ebay bid, his response was to change his password and the email address that his messages came to.
This latest episode really pissed me off. I don't mind him spending, but if it is alot I'd like some warning so we don't both spend lots in the same month. I worry if he lies about this, what else is he hiding?
I wonder if it is to do with earnings. I earn substantially more than him, but he says it has never bothered him. He adores his job.
I do really wonder if I am being unreasonable. I was interested to see if it being posted from a male perspective, would generate less or more sympathetic responses.
I think looking at what has been said, we maybe need to find a different approach to personal spending. (The £40 limit was purely on personal, luxury spending, not clothes or essentials)
Oh well, I'll put my helmet on and await the flames.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 19:49

lying if you are so reluctant to offer advice on "what somebody posts" why are you here on this anonymous website, without the benefit of facial expression, body language etc ?

unless you are here simply to berate others who are willing to read between the lines

heyannie · 01/04/2012 19:49

Golf clubs! Good grief, no you are not being unreasonable. I would never get a joint account or credit (unless it was for bills/mortgage) for this reason, it would make me furious if my partner was pissing money away like that.

JustHecate · 01/04/2012 19:50

ooooh, you are going to be fried!

My opinion is unchanged. I don't do one rule for one gender and one for the other. If it's fair, it's fair, if it's not, it's not.

Is money tight?

Perhaps instead of purchases over £40 being discussed, a monthly amount for each of you to be spent however you want would be better?

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 19:51

oh right

I expect the ones insisting on the "gender switch" upthread are feeling a bit shitty (and stupid) right now

OP, why don't you just post the facts, instead of trying to fool people

you can fuck right off, as far as I am concerned

all the arguments about the lack of info on this thread...and you were concealing the biggest fact of all

great

IAmBooyhoo · 01/04/2012 19:52

i still think he is BU to have lied and hidden the bill.

i also agree with others that the £40 limit on purshases (rather than on a weekl/monthly/whatever basis) is unworkable.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:53

Obviously Hecate

But if I eg didn't have any summer shoes, I can't imagine trying to explain to DH that I needed sandals.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2012 19:54

It's a chatboard, no more, no less. You can't 'read between the lines' of what isn't there. Speculation is irritating to me.

IDontWantToBeFatAnymore · 01/04/2012 19:57

Lost my sympathy for the lying in your original post.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:58

Ah. Seen your post.

Go for a monthly £X free spending for each of you. Agree exactly what isn't covered by this eg food, mortgage/rent. Get rid of the credit card and have private accounts for that £x amount.

If he chooses to spend it on clubs, he's free to. If he continues overspending, you know you've got a big problem

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