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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wife spending money and hiding evidence!

118 replies

garfield2050 · 01/04/2012 18:16

My wife and I have a joint account. I earn £30,000pa, she earns £10,000pa.
We agreed that spending on items over about £40 would be discussed, prior to making a purchase.
Recently I discovered several purchases of £70 & £90 on a credit card, which we keep as a back up.
I noticed the bill had arrived but she opened it, then it disappeared. I looked in her handbag and found the bill. When I asked her how much we owed, she claimed nothing was due.
I lost my temper. Shouted about her lying to me about money.
When I had calmed down, I tried to talk to her about it. She apologised, but I'm not sure she took on board my concerns.
It is mostly the concealment and lying that upset me. We are ok for money, but not if we both make big purchases at the same time. That was the reason for for our agreement.
So am I being unreasonable to be upset or am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:02

It's usually mentioned to say that the higher earner pays a bigger % of the expenses - or it's a complaint that they don't - when talking about couples who don't have a joint account.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:04

And who starts a thread like this and doesn't say what the money was spent on?

If someone's wasted cash on crap or clothes they don't need or treats why wouldn't you say that!

kickmewhenimdown · 01/04/2012 19:05

setting up a £40 limit seems a bit silly, as in would it be alright to but two things at £39 each but not one thing at £70. Maybe she has been saving up her £40 spends to buy something bigger. Far better to have equal amounts of allocated spare money to spend and if one saves for a few weeks to buy a bigger purchase then no probs.

zombieslayer · 01/04/2012 19:06

lyingwitch - I am not the only poster to post here that it is impossible to tell if OP is BU from info posted. Having an agreement about how you budget and then going against that is BU. But it is also possible that OP's DP was pressured into an unreasonable agreement and that the OP is actually over controlling.

I would say that whatever the gender. Although ime I do think men who earn more than their DP's are more likely to be controlling with money than women who earn less than their DP's.

IAmBooyhoo · 01/04/2012 19:06

." Should I be calling my DP for permission to buy things we all need?"

that all depends on what agreement you have made with your DP WRT budgets and spending.

FashionEaster · 01/04/2012 19:07

You need to talk about why she has done this, can you afford it and does your agreement need adjusting so it works for you as a couple. If someone has to lie about money then there is an issue in your relationship. Note I said with the relationship and NOT with her.

Btw, it's immaterial how much you earn, you are a partnership.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 19:07

what did she spend the money on, OP ?

kids shoes is one thing

a subscription to a dating site is another

come on, put your money where your mouth is

you know what she spent it on, since you have the receipts

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2012 19:08

Oh well then, obviously we should feel free to project our own experiences onto whatever situation as we see fit... the old 'spidey senses' morphing into fact again.

No, he shouldn't go through his wife's handbag but think about what women are advised to do on here - get forensic accounts and computer specialists, go through pockets and so on. This wasn't the same scenario at all.

Had this been a woman posting, it would have been assumed that she was away from the board doing any one of a number of legitimate things. As it's a man... there is obviously something untoward in his lack of update.

It's unfair, any way you slice it but since when did that matter?

I hope OP doesn't post back here and has gone to talk through this with his wife.

DPrince · 01/04/2012 19:08

As for the shouting - not the best way to deal with the issue. But loads of people shout when upset. They may regret it later. But I find the grasping at reasons for it to be ok to go behind your partners back very strange. If it was a woman posting people would be more supportive or her actions. I do agree, though, something is a bit off. I think more detail like what was bought etc would help.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:13

Lying, the main issue is why did she lie. That's what people are asking.

If the payments were for sexy lingerie and a hotel room then people would be saying she's shagging around. If they were for a handbag and shoes people would say it's not on. If they were for food shopping and children's clothes people would suggest that maybe he is being unreasonable about spending.

The point is he didin't say. At all.

People get flamed on AIBU all the time for posting minimal info and wanting people to agree with them.

Stratters · 01/04/2012 19:14

It's my opinion, which I'm entitled to. I'm also very much of the opinion that sneaking around going through phones and pockets is not good, not without a very good reason. This wasn't one of those times.

As AF says, he has the bill, he knows what the purchases were.

WestYorkshirePudding · 01/04/2012 19:14

Jeez, what do you all have in your handbags that is so precious? Confused

OH would hunt through mine for money, etc. as I would through his wallet. I can't believe you're all so bothered that the OP was looking through his wife's handbag.

Ambi · 01/04/2012 19:14

YANBU op, I would hate it if DP was spending and lying about it. We have a similar set up re discussion about larger spends but I do spend more than DH. We're pretty careful however and yes £40 it a lot to us too.

I don't understand why others are getting their knickers in a twist, if you have put that you were the wife and DH was spending and concealing it at wouldn't have been long before leave the bastard would have cropped up.

DPrince · 01/04/2012 19:16

Agree with westyorkshire dh goes in mine all the time, for change get something. I wouldn't give a crap. Then I don't hide bills in mine :)

IAmBooyhoo · 01/04/2012 19:16

i shouted when i found the shopping bags and receipts in our wardrobe. i was angry. no excuse but i did shout. i'm not a controlling person. it was our mutual goal (or so i thought) to save for a mortgage. we put equal amounts into the account even though he earned triple what i did and he thought it was acceptable to spend money i earned (and stressed myself out over getting to the CMer on time, back home to make dinner and get the kids into bed all on my own for) on umpteen pairs of identical jeans, t-shirts, wallets, CDs and computer games. yes i shouted. again, not excusing OP but i'm sure we have all been in a situation in our relationship when we have (wrongly) shouted.

ImproperlyAcquainted · 01/04/2012 19:17

She IBU for lying.

YABU for snooping and shouting.

Your system doesn't work. You need to work out how much spare money you have after essentials and savings and split that amount between you to buy your own luxuries with. Its ludicrous that one person could spend £35 20x a month no questions asked and the other could spend £45 once every 6 months and need a discussion.

AThingInYourLife · 01/04/2012 19:18

" If someone has to lie about money then there is an issue in your relationship."

Yes, and the problem is that one of them thinks that it's OK to lie if telling the truth is going get them in trouble.

AnyFucker · 01/04/2012 19:18

if the genders were switched around (gawd, it's boring to do this innit...the gender switch thing..) I would still be asking what the money was spent on

Op seems strangely reticent about that

he knows, he just ain't tellin'

Stratters · 01/04/2012 19:20

I've been there. It's not as black and white as that if you're living in a relationship which is financially abusive.

AThingInYourLife · 01/04/2012 19:22

" Its ludicrous that one person could spend £35 20x a month no questions asked and the other could spend £45 once every 6 months and need a discussion."

It would be ludicrous if that were the case, but this isn't George Osborne posting (or is it?). If they were both playing fair according to what they agreed, any purchases near the limit would be mentioned.

And unless my mental arithmetic fails me both £70 and £90 are significantly above the agreed limit.

Not only has she repeatedly spent more in one go than was agreed without mentioning it, she has lied about what they owe and hidden their joint bill.

NarkedPuffin · 01/04/2012 19:23

If we were 8 years old it would be all about the lying. As we're adults, it's about why there was lying.

HolyCalamityJane · 01/04/2012 19:25

Busting to know what the wife bought now! Maybe it was a bag of heroin in that case YANBU!

BerryMenlove · 01/04/2012 19:26

Is it possible your birthday is around the corner or anniversary? She wants to keep it a surprise
YABU for shouting at her though.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 01/04/2012 19:26

Why don't you work out what "slushfund" each of you can have each month to do whatever you like with. (obviously the same amount each). Must be highly annoying to have to discuss every purchase over £40. Everyone needs a bit of freedom...

That said she should not be lying . COuld it be she has bought you some suprise presents thought.....

But looking in a woman's handbag unless clearly invited is a cardinal sin. My DH would be singing descant if he ever did that.

TheSinglePringle · 01/04/2012 19:27

Leave the bitch Grin

Don't see the big deal in him going in her handbag. If it was a woman writing this the responses would be different.

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