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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think dd's teacher was maybe over-reacting a tad?

622 replies

Northernlurker · 28/03/2012 18:15

Apparently dd has been 'very rude' today as per the message from teacher via after school club. Very rude consists of not listening to story but talking to friends and then saying 'no' when told to stop and 'no' when told to move. Now I agree this is very rude and the teacher obviously dealt with it at length because dd was in floods of tears when collected by after school club. I have spoken to dd and she was talking because the book was one we have at home and she was telling her friends as much. At the end of a hot day, at the end of term her attention is shot to pieces as is that of most of the other kids. AIBU to think that a message home about this infraction was overkill. She didn't get a warning, she didn't get a timeout - and really what am i supposed to do about this? i speak to dd about her day every day. i am clear about what is expected but seeing as she's a stubborn 4 who has been at school less than a term i don't expect miracles. Frankly impressed we've got this far.

Or should I be grovelling tomorrow?

OP posts:
1950sHousewife · 28/03/2012 20:59

OriginalJamie - sorry if you think that, I obviously wrote badly. I'm not sure what agenda I have other than to say that we expect a lot of very young children.

I expected so so much of my 4 year old when she started school, as the teacher does here. Now that my DS is going to start school later I don't have those same expectations. It makes me feel for all the times my DD felt bad for being too immature to conform to the behaviour expected of her.
I'm sorry that the little girl was upset, as dustinthewind says, in her mind this has become a big big thing. I hope she has a better time of it soon - sound like a lovely mum.

PeppaIsBack · 28/03/2012 21:01

Northern, if you are at home and tell her off in a similar way, would she be crying like this? And still be crying about it a long time afterwards?

I am guessing that you have an issue with a teacher that has a class that was nicely ticking along ( as most of the dcs started at the same time and learnt rules at the same time) and then 3 new comers thast need to eb thaught again and don't really 'fit' within the needs of all the other ones.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 28/03/2012 21:17

Sorry I've unintentionally misled people - she wasn't upset at the end of after school club - she was fine but very serious when we discussed it. She was very upset when the after school club helpers collected her from her classroom.

Peppa 'that has a class that was nicely ticking along ( as most of the dcs started at the same time and learnt rules at the same time) and then 3 new comers thast need to eb thaught again and don't really 'fit' within the needs of all the other ones.' - yes indeed and she said as much to me a couple of weeks in. That it was 'very hard'. She also said so rather unguardedly at the beginning of a PTA meeting that a friend of mine attended. By parents evening that had changed in to 'it's very hard for the children' - which it is.

I know how this thread must read - like I'm raising Attilla the Hun in four year old form but pretending that she's perfect. Well she isn't. What she is, is a bright and lively child with a will of iron. I don't think that makes her unique surely? I'm just depressed that so far she has very little excitement and enthusiasm for school. She's happy to go in but she's happy to go most places. She's talked excitedly about their dance lesson but that's about it - and two weeks ago she was upset because they didn't do that as Mrs X had 'forgot'. What's happened today is just a small part of a general picture of unease that I have. (sorry for the dripfeeding

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 28/03/2012 21:48

for those complaining about 4 year olds being too young to be in school. they dont have to be in school!! you have a choice. children in the UK dont have to attend school until the term after their 5th birthday. nobody forces 4 year olds to go to school!!

IAmBooyhoo · 28/03/2012 21:51

northern i think your dd's teacher sounds a bit crap TBH.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 28/03/2012 21:57

That's the conclusion I'm reaching too - oh dear.
Partly I wish I'd not sent her yet but the other two did two terms in reception and it seemed to make sense. I was surprised more parents didn't defer. There are three dcs started in September with August birthdays.

OP posts:
1950sHousewife · 28/03/2012 21:58

IAmBooyhoo - that would be me then!
Yes, they don't have to be in school then, but all they do after that is make them start having missed kindergarden. So they are already behind the others. It's a worse alternative than making the start too early IMO.

You know what - I'm in that pre-menstrual fighty mood today and think I'm probably better off watching The Big Bang Theory in quiet solitude than being all growly on here. Have all good evening all. Wine

IAmBooyhoo · 28/03/2012 22:11

not just you 1950. there was another poster on pg1 of the thread complainingg too.

you can always catch your child up at home instead of sending them to school at 4 so that when they start at 5 they are at the same stage as the others but without the whole trauma of starting too young.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 28/03/2012 22:33

IAmBooyhoo I'm in the UK. In Northern Ireland. Our children start school when they are 4. If you mean England, or Great Britain, say so.

That sounds worse than I intended it to Smile.

OP, she will be fine, you will be fine. It's not crime of the century and it will do her no harm to have the boundaries of school behaviour reinforced.

IAmBooyhoo · 28/03/2012 22:49

actually i meant the UK as i believed NI to follow the same compulsory school age as england scotland and wales. i have had a look and see that this isn't the case so i apologise for misinforming anyone. i am also in NI but my ds has a july birthday which explains why he didn't start school until aged 5.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2012 23:28

I fear your DD is not having a positive experience in this class, Northernlurker.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 28/03/2012 23:36

I fear that too, I'm certainly not! It's a funny thing isn't it - now I know what people mean when they say their gut is telling them something. She mentioned nursery tonight and I wanted to cry because she was happy there. But then they had three years to get to know her, perhaps I'm being unfair. She is talking a lot more about the other children now than she did at first so that's good. She puts up a good front but I think she has found it pretty hard going. She took an hour to eat her lunch for the first couple of days and I think it's because she was scared of what happened next. She's fine now and that's a school adjustment thing not specific to this teacher.

OP posts:
Sparks1 · 28/03/2012 23:45

WITAF?

The child not able/ready to do what exactly? Behave?

The teacher has performed exactly as i'd expect any responsible adult to do so when in charge of a child.

I'm absolutely speechless anyone could even try to excuse the child's behaviour on grounds of anything. If my daughter behaved like that i'd be mortified.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 29/03/2012 00:16

Sparks - I can explain it, not excuse it. I draw a distinction between the two things nd I think I'd be a pretty poor mother if I couldn't say 'dd did this because the way she ticks is......' She was defiant as 4 year olds often are, she didn't burn the curtains down or mug the TA.

At least I'm assuming she didn't Hmm

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 29/03/2012 07:33

I am finding it vaguely hilarious that people are using the word "insolent" with regard to a four year old. Of course, it wasn't ideal. But I do also think if this teacher is going to have a protracted fit of the vapours over the challenges of managing a double intake, then reception may not be the class for her...

MrsKittyFane · 29/03/2012 09:50

Yes a 4 year old can be insolent.
As for the double intake, Wow, the teacher really is up against it with 3 extra children. < insert sarcasm emotion> !!
My DD was a Jan. starter and it wasn't until a few years later when one of the helper parents commented on how little support they had had ( to settle in) compared to the Sept starters.
Apparently the Septstarters had had a whole term of 'this is school' type activities whilst the Jan ones were expected to just slot in.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 29/03/2012 10:45

Took her in this morning and there was a supply teacher for the day. Lovely women who was talking to all the children as they came in.

OP posts:
DinahMoHum · 29/03/2012 11:02

they tell you stuff, but it doesnt mean they expect you to do anything.

forget it

Bletchley · 29/03/2012 12:33

Well there's only a term left. And as she's your third, you know that it will fly by and then she'll have a different teacher and this will be forgotten. Onwards and upwards!

IsabelleRinging · 29/03/2012 13:08

In regards to the incident in the OP I don't think the teacher was unreasonable to inform you that your dd had refused to do as the teacher asked. I would have told you if a child had said "no' to me when asked to do something. Talking at story time is a non-incident really, it is the "no" which is the issue to the teacher I suspect.

Delaying your dd from starting reception until January is probably making it more difficult for her to settle as the rest of the class will have made friends and settled in already. Give her time. In schools where there is an established policy of two intakes they will be geared up for the new starters in January, but when children start at random times in the year just because parents have chosen to, there may not be the planned strategies in place to deal with the late starters as really they are expecting all children to start in September.

In my experience it is better for the younger ones in the year to start with the rest of the class, because otherwise, not only are the older ones advantaged by age, but also they have the advantage of an extra term or two of education, the younger ones will find it extremely difficult to make enough progress to catch up both socially and academically.

Original poster
Northernlurker · 29/03/2012 13:21

Isabelle - this school actually has an established policy of two intakes. Before this year the school would have asked children with birthdays September to December to start in September and January to August birthdays to start in January. Both my older dcs started in January. However this year the council instructed that all children should be offered September entry and most parents have gone for that. Of all schools this should be geared up for two entries though - because they've always offered it.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/03/2012 13:55

Talking during story time is one thing, but she said "No" when asked to stop, and "No" again when asked to move? I think you'll find it's this level of rudeness that they are not prepared to let go unremarked Hmm. Do you really think she should have got away with that?

lazylula · 29/03/2012 14:02

Actually I think you will find it was a government led thing that has done away with the 2 intake thing. Ds1's school had 2 intakes and is now down to one. The government decided all rising fives in the academic year should be offered a place in sept then parents can decide. I am unsure what to do with ds2 as he is an end of June child so will still be very young in Sept.

MrsKittyFane · 29/03/2012 14:14

Isabelle: Delaying your dd from starting reception until January is probably making it more difficult for her to settle as the rest of the class will have made friends and settled in already.
Many DCs born towards August are actually not allowed ( school policy) to start a few days/ weeks after their 4th birthday in early Sept. Starting in Jan. Is rarely though parental choice!

mathanxiety · 29/03/2012 14:23

If a child was already smarting or embarrassed from being told off for talking at the start of story time, then told to move (which sounds like a pretty rude order to me fwiw), I can see he saying no, on the verge of tears perhaps. I am sticking to my theory here that the teacher needs to lighten up and not treat a four year old who is excited about a book as The Enemy.