"I feel that PND stole the first year with DD1, I can barely remember it. When I look back at myself then, I simply don't recognise myself, at all. It is an evil, evil illness "
change dd1 to ds4 and that is exactly me, i was fine when i had my first three children and then after ds4 got pnd/pnd and it was the worst time of my life, i cant remember the first year of his life and i spent so much time feeling so incredibly guilty for that, thankfully i had an amazing cpn and after a week in a psych unit and his support for over 2yrs, at varying levels, i gradually got well.
when i look back there were triggers, a very quick birth, less than an hour and then as a newborn ds4 had breathing problems and so we had to stay in hospital, the midwife dashed of to get the paed in the middle of the night as his breathing worsened. he was fine it was jsut that as he had been born so quickly all the gunk hadnt been squeezed out of his lungs and so he was struggling a bit, his size 10lb 13oz actually helped him as he was a bit stronger than the average newborn and tho struggling he was ok. but from that moment on i was scared, too scared to sleep, i lay at night and watched him breathe and once you dont sleep, well your mh goes to pot.
it also turned out i had a hormonal imbalance (they rushed me in for an emergency mri scan as they thought i may have a tumour on my pituitary gland) i didnt have at tumour and they could never explain the hormone imbalance, it was just put down as one of those things and regular blood tests showed it was naturally righting itself, along with medication to help.
i was not any weaker or stronger when i had my 4th child, there was no reason for me to get ill and i KNEW within weeks i wasnt well, yet repeated trips to the gp and hv were met with 'its your fourth child you know what you are doing' when i broke down and having hallucinations tried to smother my baby and wanted to kill myself, my dp marched me to the drs and said ENOUGH she needs help. then i was admitted to hospital, i cant remember the week i spent in hospital and afterwards when i came out dp was off work and we had support from the mh team and ss until i gradually got well.
despite this my children, were well fed adn well looked after and happy, i however was an empty shell, i was simply functioning with no emotions, no connection to my children, despite loving them to death, i just couldnt feel anything other than empty and dark and a huge desperation to go to sleep and never wake up again.
it truly was an awful experience that i NEVER want to repeat and would never wish on my worst enemy and i am hugely grateful that with the support of my dp and the mh team i got well and then was able to have baby no 5 and thankfully careful monitering meant that if i did get ill it would be caught early, as it was i was fine 5th time round, no rhyme or reason to pnd at all, it happens to anyone. its not a matter or beng weak or getting on with it, i still GOT ON with everything even in the depths of hell i just didnt function on other levels and it was an awful place to be.