AIBU to believe smacking doesn't have to be part of disciplining your child?

[BulletProof]

DS is only 2, so I obviously am not that experienced in the trials and tribulations of raising children but I often hear parents are annoyed that the government has banned smacking as a form of discipline. I personally intend not to resort to smacking but what does everyone else think?

The thing that has caught my attention is people blaming the smacking ban for the London riots and lack of discipline in today's youth...

I was smacked occasionally as a child and have not suffered any harmful effects...As I'm sure most of our generation were...

What do I think? I think that it's a good job you're bulletproof

I personally don't agree with smacking. I just don't see that hitting someone to make them do what you want is a good thing to teach a child. It teaches them that you can hit to get your own way.

I was hit as a child - once with a belt. Many times across the face. Often for doing something that the day before had got a laugh.

I was still flinching from sudden movements 20 years later!

The only thing it taught me was that my parents could hit me. (and to never make my child flinch from me!)

I agree with OP. I won't be smacking my children. I think its brutal, unnecessary and ineffectual

bulletproof the government has not banned smacking. If only.

Do they mean the smacking ban in schools?

The smacking ban was part of many other societal changes which can't be easily disentangled, which could be responsible.

For my part, as a teacher, most children I've asked had been/were smacked. Most think it's fine.

What I have seen is an eroding of respect for authority, resulting in a reluctance to intervene. Just look at the squeamishness about telling off someone's else's child you see on MN.

I do not believe violence gets you any where and therefore have never and will never hit my DD who is 13 now. I was always being told how well behaved and polite she was when little and, although she will occasionally argue with me now, so does my DH, so does my Mum, I don't hit them either. Of course if fingers stray towards 'hot' or 'sharp' when little the fingers were tapped for safety sake, but that is different.

My Mum regularly smacked both myself and my brother (she usually liked to treat is the same, whoever had 'started it') either by hand or with hairbrush or similar. I also remember the humiliation of having my 'pants pulled down' in public for a smack. Yes, I was quite well behaved but not as 'good' as my DD was(my Mum admits this) and truly the only feelings I had toward my Mum til I was sbout 10 was fear :( After that it was contempt. We have a good relationship now, but as friends not Mum and Daughter.

And never, ever hit a child when YOU are angry. IMHO.

I grew up in Sweden at a time when smacking was already socially unacceptable in the home and illegal in schools. Noone I knew was smacked. We still had discipline and a great deal of respect for adults. More so than many of the children I see being smacked and shouted at around here- and then allowed to get away with whatever they like the next minute. Consistency and firmness get far better results imho.

I am an early years practitioner and I manage to discipline 2 year olds without resorting to bullying and violence.
There is no need to smack a child. Ever.

YANBU

it is never ever ok to smack a child, smacking is a violent act. it is also totally disrepecting your child and their feelings. no one feels good from a smack and all that is learned is that resorting to violence can achieve something, is that really what we should teach children

of course you will get those telling you that is what is wrong with the world many kids today need a smack, no the do not they need to be shown respect, a good example set to them

I agree it doesn't have to be a part if disciplining your child, but I think a lot depends on your parenting skills, the temperament of parent and child and the reason for smacking.

I have smacked my 5 year old on the bum. Not beaten. Not thrashed. Not hit again and again. A smack. After plenty of warning of what would happen if he did such and such again.

I think there is a time and a place for smacking.

BUT, with hindsight and experience I think I could have handledit differently. Smacking is not always right and I have smacked him once this year.

Yes there are other methods of discipline, which I have plenty of time for. Smacks are few and far between in my house. And it's only me that smacks, not my dh.

But I think at times, with some children -not all, a smack is necessary if they have done something that they know is very wrong.

A friend of mine's ds was 5 when he pushed an 18 month boy over in the park because he was in his way. He then stood on the baby's head and pushed his foot down. My friend told off her son and took him home. I would have smacked my son if he had done that as he knows it wrong.

I don't think smacking is a good thing, at all.

I was smacked (by my mother) as a child and as such, when i had DD1 i smacked her - shes a grown up now, it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. She is fine, we have a good relationship, no harm done bla bla, but i know it was wrong and i will never ever forgive myself.

I have DD2 now, after a long gap, i smacked her once, not hard, on the leg because i had lost my temper , it was awful, yes she was being a nightmare, but it is unforgivable. That was 3 years ago and i will never forget the look of utter shock on DDs face (she was 4), I vowed i would never ever smack her again. Shes a very well behaved little girl, just like DD1 was.

So having been on both sides of the coin - i would deinfately say smacking children is not only wrong its totally useless

I did the flinching thing too hectate. I used to think it was a normal reaction but I remember waving my arms around near my kids and seeing no reaction. Kinda brought it home that it wasn't instinct.

I was smacked/spanked regularly by my dad and all it did was make me resent him and think he was a twat.
My mum didn't need to raise her hand to keep me in line. However, she did slap me twice as a child/teen, both very memorable occasions where I frankly deserved it, and the slap pulled me up short.

However, my youngest nephew is a very physical child, and a smack is sometimes the only way to stop him in his tracks and get him to the point where he can calm down. This would be pointless with his elder brother, as he has always been able to respond to verbal reprimands, and a smack would freak him out.

Interestingly, if we replace the word 'smack' with 'hit', it sounds a lot less acceptable. No one wants to admit hitting their kids, but talk about smacking and it sounds like discipline.

I hope I don't resort to smacking with my DS, I really hope I can do what my mum did and keep him 'in line' with a look! She has a hell of a 'look' tho...

Yanbu

Never seen the need to hit a child. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I help care for at least 30 young children every day, there'd be uproar if I se hitting as a form of punishment with them so why would I resort o it with my own child.

Dd is 9, nearly 10, and I have never hit her and never intend to. She is so far growing up to be a lovely, polite and well adjusted girl, do not hitting hasn't led to problem yet.

I look back on the injustice of my mother hitting me and my dad threatening it (although he never followed through) and me not being allowed to retaliate. I've tried to explain this to my mum now that I'm an adult, but she doesn't quite see it as I see it. She is in the camp of "I was hit and it never did me any harm, so I sometimes lost my rag with my children and hit them. Thats fair". I say its unfair; if my DH hit me or if my mother hit me now it would be assault. I do not intend to ever hit my daughter. Nor do I ever intend to hit my mother or my husband or indeed anyone else.

I think it needs to be in any parent's toolbag, but used very infrequently.

I also agree that being smacked as a child makes it more likely that you will do it to your children, I have thought about it but not done it... In the adult world you can't smack people so I don't see why you can smack a child who is defenceless. Although, like I said it hasn't done me any damage. I can see of your child has done something awful and aggressive or endangering to themselves, you might want to. However how does disciplining with aggression prevent your child being aggressive? Also doing something dangerous... I'm sure your tone and anxiety in your voice, can get the same message accross.

I just find it interesting how, people pass these traditions down generation to generation and how many people I've heard day smacking is why they have turned out good. My dad used to give me a really dissapointed look, actually still does and that works wonders in making me think about my actions...

Just from a purely legal sense it would be difficult to ban smacking, because there are other ways that parents use force against their children which are utterly understandable.

Imagine if your kid tried to run out into traffic, and you grabbed them by the wrist and pulled hard causing some minor injury. This is a use of force, perfectly understandable - would you want to be in the position where you could in theory get reported/arrested? Or as someone mentioned, slapping a hand away from something hot, or trailing them perhaps literally kicking and screaming out of a room if they have misbehaved.

Any smacking ban would need to be very carefully worded, and an abusive or overly hot tempered parent would find a way around it.

I saw a guy outside a children's hospital slapping his 2 year old dd which she was in a pushchair... It freaked me out, god knows what she had done to deserve it when in a pushchair and what would he do in private if he behaves like that in public... She was 2 FFS.

I just think smacking is generally done in retaliation or anger and that can't be a good thing. Whilst me smaking my DS might not hurt him that much, how could I ensure the same of my oh.. Not that he would but it starts as a smack and it could one day be harder than you think and become abuse?

Sorry I thought it was banned, so it's still legal? I'm confused....

Why do people talk about not being able to smack their kids? Is it that it's socially unacceptable and the child might tell school?

I think I should add that I was only smacked once as a child.

And after a smack, once all has calmed down, I speak to my ds calmly and explain why he was smacked. I also apologise and explain I don't like smacking him but I will not tolerate xyz.

I think for me, with a smack, it's over in a second. The point has been made. The punishment is over. With other methods like the naughty step, taking away privileges etc the punishment lasts a long time.

Again, like I said before, it really depends IMO on the temperament of the child and parent. And what has been done wrong by the child.

I think sometimes, like in my friends case I would have smacked my son if he did what her son did, because he knows it's wrong, as a punishment and also so he can realise its not nice to be on the receiving end. I know it's not nice to smack or be smacked, but I do think there's a time and a place for the very occasional smack.

Winkly Tue 27-Mar-12 20:52:27
"Just from a purely legal sense it would be difficult to ban smacking, because there are other ways that parents use force against their children which are utterly understandable. "

Sweden managed it a long time ago. The country is still functioning.

"Imagine if your kid tried to run out into traffic, and you grabbed them by the wrist and pulled hard causing some minor injury."

If an adult was about to be run over by a car or attacked by a vicious dog you could grab them or push them aside without it counting as assault.

My mum didn't need to raise her hand to keep me in line. However, she did slap me twice as a child/teen, both very memorable occasions where I frankly deserved it, and the slap pulled me up short.

That is exactly how I was brought up too. A warning was enough usually to make me stop in my tracks and behave. I was rarely smacked, and on the odd occasion that I was, I know that I really had pushed the limits, and really did deserve a slapped backside or legs.

To me that is the crux of it. My parents very very rarely smacked me. I didnt like being smacked and I knew damn well when I was pushing the boundaries too far that it would happen, so I didnt do it. It really was as simple as that.

Under English law, "reasonable chastisement of a child" is a defence to a charge of assault. This includes smacking which does not leave marks/cause injuries. It would also cover the situations I described above. Hence why a ban would be challenging legally.