To HATE pop in visitors?

[Eggrules]

Family friend of in-laws has just left.

Egg Towers is in the middle of Operation Spring Clean. OH cleaning the car on the drive with DS. I was in the kitchen and had emptied the cupboards out. Been on the go since early morning but the house was a complete tip . Offered drinks, chatted and then left OH to it.

HINT: if nobody answered the phone then they are busy/out.

I always pre-arrange visits with parents, best friends etc. I enjoy having people over but my nearest and dearest know I hate pop in visitors. I think it is very rude to gatecrash and invite yourself over and expect a red carpet.

What am I missing?

I don't give a tuppenny damn about the state of the flat, but I'm always relieved that there's no real possibility of unexpected visitors in our situation in London, where all family are abroad and friends are pretty scattered about geographically, and are utterly unlikely to embark on a major trek on the tube or buses to 'drop by'. I can't imagine anything worse.

I grew up in a tiny, unprivate house with three generations of extended family, where longterm acquaintance bores no one actually wanted to see used to show up at the back door unannounced all the time and stay for hours. My parents never put their foot down even though their kids weren't able to get to the kitchen table to do homework because it was taken up with pontificating elderly men smoking and drinking tea. The house had an eccentric one-storey layout, and if you wanted to go to the loo after you'd gone to bed, you had to go right through the living room and kitchen full of visitors in your night clothes to get to the bathroom - you can imagine how miserably self-conscious it felt when you were trying to deal with your first periods etc.

I'm very keen on private space and no spontaneous arrivals as an adult.

Eeek now I'm all worried about 'popping in' to see my friend. To be fair, I trust her to be honest if she doesnt want me - and I always make the tea and change nappies/do her ironing. Like a home from home. And would be weird to ring first - our gardens back onto each other.

She's the only one I 'pop in' on. Others I normally text first (apart from mil as they run a pub so its public anyway)

I'd love more people to drop by on me, and have suggested it loads to people but no one ever seems to :-(

smokinaces I think you are ok.

Pop ins to see new babies is wronger than wrong.

Hospital pop ins. I would be mortified to have an unexpected hospital visitor, I would have to pretend to be unconscious.

Egg rules

The worst pop in ever was my ex mil. I was one week post section, exdh was back at work for first time and she turned up from eighty miles away pj my doorstep and expected me to wait on her hand and foot. I lived in a townhouse at the time and hadn't planned to attempt the stairs to the kitchen until exdh was back. My first day alone with my baby was ruined by her and I hated her for it. She didnt even offer to make me a cup of tea!

I used to be a bit funny about them, but now I think pop-in visitors are great.

But thinking about it, it is only fair if pop-in visitors:

(a) don't expect too much from where they are visiting with regards to tea/cake/tidyness
(b) don't stay too long

All our friends who do pop in unannounced do work within these guidelines, so that's probably why I'm ok about it.

Our landlord is a popper inner, so its even worse if the place is untidy, he's welsh and retired so not sure if that's a factor.

My mum and dad are popper inners too, very often would turn up at 10/11am as they are early risers so that's like lunchtime to them. I would be still in dressing gown with bed head sorting out my baby DD who most likely would have been up in the night or all night as she was a poor sleeper. They would sit and wait to be served tea and the like. So thinking about it, they're really quite rude and I'm being a doormat.

Popper inners should not be allowed if you're a mother with babies/toddlers. Only allowed if they're coming to make said mother a brew and help with housework.

My DP is African and welcomes popper inners and is a popper inner himself but his culture don't expect mothers with babies to do anything other than sit their ass down and look after the baby which takes priority over visitors.

All my friends that pop in wouldn't care about the state of the house tbh.

YANBU. Pop in visitors get taken out the back and shot in my house.

I love people. I really do. and I love socialising. But it has to be planned.

he's welsh and retired so not sure if that's a factor. PMSL

I wonder if this is a class thing rather than a northern/southern thing - I'm very happy to have people pop in - if I'm busy, I just say so

I hate this, a few w/end ago I was working,(I do On Call cover for a care agency) DH was working on a car in the next village, the boys were playing lego (I was in PJs as we were not intending going out in the near future) house was a mess as I hadnt got around to tidying it yet after being away for a couple of days then coming home to continue work, and phone had not stopped ringing. With all this going on, who should pop up on our doorstep but FiL with his new ladyfriend! I was really embarrassed as DS2 (11) answered the door, and he stepped through it without being invited in! They sat there on a sofa, surrounded by clean but not yet ironed clothes, she asked to use bathroom, where DC had used an hour earlier and there were wet towels dumped on the floor, and toothpaste in the sink, and she could see the washing up from breakfast and some odd bits from the evening meal before which hadn't fitted in dishwasher were on the side! We also had no hot water to the taps, as the boiler had bust the friday before! He had had to travel 25miles out of his normal way to get to us, so it wasnt a "pop in as passing" visit. All i could think of was that his new gorlfriend must think me a real slob of a housewife, and rude with it, as I had to keep excusing myself to answer the phone, and leaving them sitting there amid the chaos!

Bennifer-you make it sound so easy and simple.I'm at night college with alot of studying inbetween and my dh works all the hours god sends.
I have no family on my side to 'pop in' or help or anything else.
It's dhs family that 'pop in ' unannounced...I know it sounds like thing to ask but you simply just say 'sorry x but I'm busy'?
I ask because I know people would try and make me feel or sound rude.
Another thing that I have done to my sis-in laws husband(who is HORRID)is pretend I'm not in.Thinking about it why the hell should I have to hide in my own home and tell my baby and toddler to 'shush' until he goes away.
This thread has taught me toughen up.

If you werent all such scrubbers you wouldnt mind! Tidyup fgs

I love them always more enjoyable than pre planned and usually dreading it by the time a fixed date comes round! How dirty are you all? I would think a friend that was close enough to just knock the door on a whim would not be interested in the tidiness of the house.This is why that community social vibe died off. We are all obsessed with what others think etc etc. I have always been the opposite and becuase ds is an only child I wanted a social home.

Tidiness is not the issue for me. It's having hostess-status forced on me when it is very often not convenient that's the problem.

MsNorbury-classy lady you.

Hang on MsNorbury. If we were scrubbers, wouldn't the house be clean?!!!!

I'm tidy too (well bathroom isn't but it will be in 30 mins )

I think it is ruder to turn up and expect somebody to host you for the put upon host to say to uninvited popper 'I'm too busy for visitors today' and arrange another time.

I work from home. If I stop for a quick cuppa (I don't even fecking want), I have to catch up when DS goes to bed and work really late. We have something planned every day and weekends are usually mental - kids parties galore, football and swimming.

Ruggybug

The way I look at it is that if someone pops in, there is no expectation for you to be free, make them a cup of tea, etc. So I just find it quite easy to say I'm busy, maybe next week, etc. I don't think it's a big deal, and I'm often pleased when someone does pop in

noddyholder, for me if it was a close friend or family member it wouldn't be a problem at all. I am quite comfortable with them seeing us in our normal state. In our case though it's always random family-of-family types (always on dh's side) who we see maybe once a year if that. I prefer a more formal visit type approach for that so that we are prepared with tea and cakes and can sigh gratefully when they leave.

Tidiness isn't the issue for me either. I have a friend who does this randomly through the year (to keep me on my toes). She popped round last week at ds's bedtime, I was knackered (he has SN and only goes to school for 3 hours a day) and was just starting to eat my dinner. Dh let her in ()on the way to sorting ds out leaving me sitting there with my dinner going cold while she witters away totally oblivious. Fuming.

I couldn't give a monkeys about the state of the house but surely it's just plain rude to assume that you are welcome at any time day or night for no particular reason.

I dont mind infact I like them. People know I am laid back enough not to mind but we dont get many as the door bell is usually turned off by the grumpy man.

UnimaginitiveDadThemedUsername even better if poppers bring cake with them.

Ruggybug I agree with Bennifer. It is totally ok to say you are busy. 'Lovely to see you but I have loads of college work on and can't stop. It would be great to catch up another time. Arrange with a visit with OH ( his family after all) and we will pop over to see you'.

Lambskin Some people are very thick skinned and hints (such a a dinner getting cold) pass them by.

I don't pretend to be out, I just don't answer the door. Egg Towers doesn't even have a door bell.