To think headteacher shouldn't tell children what time their bedtime is?

[Butterkist]

My dd's headteacher today told the school in assembly that their bedtime should be 7pm, 7.30pm at the latest.

Now my dd takes what the teachers (esp the HT) say as gospel, and I always try to ensure there is no conflict of messages between us and the school.

But my dd comes home from school at 5.45, requires dinner, needs to do music practice, reading and homework, and on a couple of evenings a week (including tonight) does out of school activities that finish at 7pm.

Bed time for us is 8.30pm, with lights off at 9pm, this is what works for us. My dd is up for school in time in the morning, and leaves home at 8.15.

Tonight she has missed her out of school activity as she's got to be in bed by 7pm for 7.30pm, so that she can answer correctly if the HT asks her tomorrow. This is her words. She suffers from anxiety and is a perfectionist so will only do the right thing.

AIBU to have a word tomorrow, and say that bedtime are the parents call not the school's?

I am in a similar position to you OP with bedtimes, my youngest is 8 and I have 2 older DCs (13&14)
Dc3 is at ASC until 5, he has football club once a week and drama club once a week.
The older DCs also have outside activities of their own so someone is doing something every night plus we have homework, reading etc.

This means, as we like to eat dinner all together we generally eat at 7-7:15pm

By the time dinner is over, cleared away etc it's normally 7:45-8pm, so dc3 is not normally in bed until 8:30-9pm

I think he is fine with this time, he doesn't seem tired during the day at all but after reading this I am now concerned.

Sorry to hijack but do you think we should eat seperatley so he can go to bed earlier?

tantrums, I think if your son enjoys the clubs, and is not seemingly tired or badly behaved, then why change if it suits you? Surely it's all about being flexible, so on the night they do after-school club and then a club, perhaps skip the homework or reading. The OP's daughter is practicing three different instruments on top of your son's schedule, and it does sound a little too much.

But mine don't go to bed early, my 8 year old goes about 8pm and spends 1-2 hours in her room reading, singing, playing, I don't worry if she doesn't go to sleep til 9/9.30 as she needs her wind-down time and to be alone for a while.

I think the HT was a little silly to mention a specific time, because some children will take this literally.

I am a bit surprised at you anxious H&S-concerned dd doing gymnastics.what does she make of the beam and the bars? However well run a class is and however well-supported there comes a time where children have to do a skill unsupported and sometimes children do get injured

I wondered about getting her to bed earlier & she could do practice & school work in mornings.

Completely agree with posters who say the HT is giving perfectly sensible advice (tbh far too many DC are knackered the whole time at school and it really impacts upon their ability to learn/cope).

However, it is just advice not law. Parents who feel it doesn't apply to their DC should feel free to ignore it. However, they should only do so once they have given it proper thought.

As someone who plays one musical instrument and has practice and performances as a result - all of which can take it out of a healthy adult - I'm pretty aghast at the idea of a seven year old learning three. I realise that this is something the OP's dd has chosen to do but choice is something that needs to be moderated by a parent. It's simply not enough to say "but they chose to do x" when it is clear that could have a detrimental effect on other aspects of their life.

I think quite a few children would, if given the option to fill their spare time with activities "over-choose" and not actually be able to cope.

I know that when my dcs were 7 their only weekday, after-school activities were Beavers/Cubs and family swimming which we did on Fridays. Had they been interested (or more realistically able to decide which instrument to play) I'd have been fine about music lessons at school (on one instrument) and the corresponding daily practice. But that would have been that. Because all children need "disorganised" time when they can just relax at home and go to bed in a relaxed frame of mind so they'll be refreshed and ready for the next school day.

what a patronising old trout!

I found myself thinking about you again. And wondering about the musical instruments. Not that you seem interested in this thread any more but all the same...

I am interested in the reason for all the musical instruments. Again, I feel that wanting to is not a good enough reason for a child. If it is about getting ahead, I think she will be fine starting some later as older children tend to learn faster.

My niece did not start learning her instrument until she was 12, and by 19 she was a professional musician. She is talented and dedicated, but my point is that starting at 5 or 6 would not have made a difference. So don't feel that your dd will miss out if she leaves some of the music until a bit later.

I can't keep away from this thread either. I have musical children- my ds is 11 and plays two instruments, but he only practises 1 10 minutes a day(ish). The other he noodles around on a lot- but in a lying on his bed working out riffs sort of way. No formal practice at all.
Dd is mor dedicated and serious about hers- but she is 16! When she was 7, I'm sure it was 10 minutes a day or so

seeker It is hard though to get it all done in 10mins, isn't it. By the time dd plays her scales and pieces, it's at least 20mins, then there's theory on top of it. And it's nice when they have time to mess about having fun with their playing. How the OP's dd does 3 instruments I can't imagine. I tried to, I was thinking about her getting out the books and ploughing through the exercises, then packing away the instrument and starting on the next.

What am I like? I need to get a life, don't I...

Scales one day, pieces the next. Honestly- unless they are the next Daniel Barenboim that's all that's needed.

I'm back thought I'd give you an update of how today's routine went.

Music is dd's passion and talent. She is excelling at all 3 instruments, so not giving those up at present.

Tonight went like this:

5.45 in from school
5.45-6.45 entertained herself with siblings
6.45-7 ate dinner
7-7.15 did reading and spellings
7.15-7.45 entertained herself
7.45-8.15 music practice - initiated by her, no mention from me (I thought I'd see whether it was me pushing out of curiosity)
8.15-8.30 drink/snack getting ready for bed
8.45 asleep

And I'd say that's a normal night for us 3 nights of the week.

"At this time I'm reluctant to drop gymnastics and art as she does enjoy them. And I wouldn't want to move them to the weekends, as that would be a tie for family time."

"She is excelling at all 3 instruments, so not giving those up at present"

Shame you're not excelling at controlling her anxiety.

You're not willing to change anything significant. The very fact that you mentioned that you "thought I'd see whether it was me pushing out of curiosity", clearly means that you have at some point been the one doing the pushing. I'm not sure if you are actually reading any of the responses to what you are posting, but I actually feel very sorry for your DD. The majority of what you have posted has been about what you want her to do, not what might actually be in her long term best interests.

Maybe the HT was trying to tell you something.

Her welfare doesn't seem to be your priority.

FFS the psychologist who has personally worked with her apparently knows nothing but mumsnet who have never met the kid have decided that a late bedtime is causing all the problems??

I have a friend who is spanish speaking, her husband speaks another foreign language and they live in an english speaking place. At around 6 or 7 the school advised the parents to stop speaking and reading in the two foreign languages because it was slowing down her learning to read in english. So pigging what was my answer, she is going to be trilingual! So what if it takes her a little longer.

Well that was how it was for me and music. Perhaps I would have advanced quicker if I had done just one, but I did just fine and found the parallels and differences between the violin and piano helped me understand both better. I suspect even with one instrument I would have progressed at the same speed. Laziness was my problem, not a packed schedule. However, I did just fine, ended up playing county youth in violin before I decided to pack it all in.

I guess though I approach things like sport and art and music differently. I'm not looking for my kid to be the next Usain Bolt or Mozart. I'm looking for them to enjoy doing something they are passionate about and learning life lessons along the way. Sounds like this little girls is enjoying it.

Hopskip, exactly! My 7 year old loves Lego. That's all he's into. If I posted a thread saying he didn't go to bed until 8.30 a couple of times a week because he does various Lego classes (which is true) I'm pretty sure everyone would be all positive.

In reality, my 7 year old never goes to bed before 8.30 because he is the youngest of 4 and his older siblings have activities to get to. Dh often works late and I don't have a nanny. If the Head teacher had said that to my child, I would have shrugged and said, "Watchagonnado....!"

If every Saturday morning was taken up with a fixed activity, noone would enjoy that, most of all my dd. We all go out and about enjoying the time together, that wouldn't happen if one was off doing an activity. Yes occassionaly there's a party on or the such like, but that's not the same time, every week.

I disagree I have read all the comments and taken on board what was being said and as I was being accused on here of being a pushy mum, that was why I did it out of curiosity.

I'm not expecting my dd to be young musician of the year, and if next year she stops 1, 2 or 3 of them, that doesn't bother me in the slightest, but while she's enjoying them, I won't contemplate stopping them.

Answering the H&S question re gymnastics - for a long time before she even considered starting it, she sat and watched her siblings doing it. She will ensure all safety equipment is out first, one of her siblings helps as an assistant so she tends to go to her for any new moves. She will never be an outstanding gymnast due to being too controlled and not having a lack of fear, for example to throw herself into a backflick. But for a fun hobby she's enjoying it.

If you are not changing anything I suggest you work on her anxiety and tell her that adults will make suggestions, often sensible, but you don't have to act on it. You take the advice you want and leave the rest.

butterkist don't worry about some of the harsh responses. Obviously you are a devoted mum and heavens, what do we know, we're all in it together really aren't we, finding out as we go.

I really hope your dd gets the help she needs with her anxiety. Must be worrying for you.

I think utilising asc is the answer. My middle two attend asc due to my working hours and the first half hour is used for homewirk and reading the second half hour is food. They are fed a picnic tea which after school dinners means I can feed them just toast/crumpets or yogurt/fruit as a snack before bath time. I don't give them a portion of what were eating as its too much for them to eat at that age.
We then make sure meals are eaten together during the weekend and holidays

I would be interested in what suggestions people have on "working on the anxiety".

My DS1 is of a similar temperament to the OP's DD, if his teacher says something, he gets wound up about doing it, in the same way.

It's not due to excessive after-school activities etc. He doesn't do any.

He does go to bed at 8 - 8.30pm, it's the norm here in France, we all eat together at 7/7.30 and then it's straight to bed.

To the OP, perhaps the spellings etc. could be done earlier, rather than later, I know my DS gets anxious if we leave them til late?

I have to agree with treadwairiliy about the musical instruments , my own daughter didnt start hers until 11 and had all her grades by the time she was 17 , I have seen younger children doing their instruments in school concerts for years and years and starting early doesnt mean by the time they are 11/12 they will be Brilliant , to me Music is a talent and children either have it or dont , i have heard some dreadful violin players who have been doing it since 3 and they dont sound that great tbh , but i have heard some amazing ones , you seem anxious too op its as if you are pushing her to achieve , and i know she says she wants to do it , but if we let children I think its our job to guide them and say no , or not yet ,

jamaisjedors - my dd used to be quite anxious and I think it was absolutely linked with my own anxiety, children are so finely atuned to our ways. And since I've learned to relax, so has she. It's an ongoing thing, she worries about things coming up so we have a fairly regular conversation about looking after today and then tomorrow will look after itself.

That's a very simplistic answer, I know... there could be many reasons why your ds feels anxious. I think children (like all of us) feel more confident when they have some control over their lives so perhaps help him find ways to feel in control. I got my dd to draw up a timetable for herself. She spent most of the time decorating it but that's okay, in her mind she had made some plans about what happened before school and seems to have framed it happily.

YABU
9 pm is too late for a 7 year old
I agree with the HT, but if that is too early for your family life, why not bring it back an hour and have lights out at 8?
Maybe your DD would feel less anxious if she was less tired?

Midnight -why is 9pm too late? It depends surely whjat time they are getting up and their individual sleep need..The average sleep requirement for a 7 yo is 10.5 hours .It only takes us half an hour for breakfast dress and wash , so that would give 11 hours sleep to 8 o'clock if required,but she is often up long before then.