To think headteacher shouldn't tell children what time their bedtime is?

[Butterkist]

My dd's headteacher today told the school in assembly that their bedtime should be 7pm, 7.30pm at the latest.

Now my dd takes what the teachers (esp the HT) say as gospel, and I always try to ensure there is no conflict of messages between us and the school.

But my dd comes home from school at 5.45, requires dinner, needs to do music practice, reading and homework, and on a couple of evenings a week (including tonight) does out of school activities that finish at 7pm.

Bed time for us is 8.30pm, with lights off at 9pm, this is what works for us. My dd is up for school in time in the morning, and leaves home at 8.15.

Tonight she has missed her out of school activity as she's got to be in bed by 7pm for 7.30pm, so that she can answer correctly if the HT asks her tomorrow. This is her words. She suffers from anxiety and is a perfectionist so will only do the right thing.

AIBU to have a word tomorrow, and say that bedtime are the parents call not the school's?

I was thinking that your dd sounds very like my nephew who has an Asperger's diagnosis. If you are seeing a psychologist has any ASD been looked at as a possibility?

She does sound a bit overloaded and 9pm sounds very late to me for a 7 year old. Maybe you could draw up a routine for her so she can see it visually (and if sticking to things is important to her, keep the music practice but make it 5 minutes a night). I bet you could jiggle it round a bit so she still does most things but for less time. Then she can get to bed earlier.
As for whether YABU. I don't think it's unreasonable for a T/HT to suggest a certain bedtime. But if it were me I'd have acknowledged that you can't always stick to that. It can be pretty shocking though to see the number of children these days with dark circles under their eyes. I would say well over half of children in school really do look exhausted if you look carefully.

And I also think she seems to be doing far too much. And I speak as FT WOHM who's just 8 yo dd goes to afterschool club. She does her homework there and then plays with her friends. Apart from Brownies one night a week - 5 - 6.30, evenings are chill out time.....she does a long enough day as it is.

3 instruments aged 7!

3 instruments? Is she highly intelligent compared to her peers?

3 instruments aged 7!

I thought that!! I learnt the piano as a child. Music was relaxation to me too. But I HATED practice!! Half an hour of it for three instrumants a night would have stressed me right out! Can't you talk her into focusing on the one she loves best?

I think that the HT is within his rights to talk about bedtimes - it's a huge issue for some children who are allowed to watch TV and play computer games until 11pm or later.
But 7pm is OTT for a 7 year old unless they wake up at 6am everyday. It's silly to generalise about bedtime unless you factor in waking up time.

OP

Your posts really don't make sense.

How can you think that a 7 yo can handle three instruments PLUS gymnastics PLUS ASC. Every day for 2 hiurs PLUS a full school day PLS honework?

Even if anxiety was not in the picture, I would say ths s TOO much, and I am more "Tiger Mum" than most.

I am baffled.

We have had her tested for ASD, as I was convinced that she was.

Her IQ is the highest that the school's ed psych had recorded, and she plays all the insturments to a high standard.

She is dyslexic.

But paeditrician and psychiatrist have both said that the only thing she scores on the ASD charts is anxiety due to change of routine.

School are adament she is not ASD.

Friends/Family have asked me if we've had her tested.

3 instruments? You have to be kidding!!!!!!!

In one of your posts you said your DD didn't want to do "work" on the weekend. It doesn't sound like its fun.

I have an extrememly anxious DD, she had a mental breakdown at 11, she's now 14. She most definitely needs time for herself, she needs quiet time to read. She goes to one activity a week out of school (St. Johns) and it has always only ever been one. Now she is older she does some sport for an hour with the school. she is still home by 4.15.

I do think you DD is doing far too much. if she is a perfectionist, she is trying to be perfect at 3 instruments and gymnastics.

Does the ASC club have somewhere your DD can practise her music there? If it's at school surely she could go to a music room to do it?

I am wondering whether the anxieties to changes to routine are because she has not learnt how to amuse herself? - has her routine always been this structured?

As for 9pm sleep. Different things work for different childre. My 7yo DS goes swimming twice a week and isn't in bed until 9pm those nights. 7.30/8pm other school nights but could be earlier/later if he really needs it. He also goes to ASC and a good one will allow for downtime. EG DS has groups going to sensory room, soft play, outside, watching a film as well as all the arts/toys they can chose from.

seeker I might name change to that

All this "coping" must be shattering. She is "coping" with dyslexia, "coping" with her anxiety, "coping" with 3 different music lessons in one day - I am beyond shocked at the amount she is doing.

My DS plays piano for fun at weekends and whenever he is supposed to be doing something else - that doesn't mean he could take on another instrument just yet. Her routine sounds insane - I am astonished the therapist doesn't think you should back off.

No she does want to start a 4th but we've said no to that although school have told her she can start in September .

Yes that's true hence why it's not practice at the weekend despite her playing her pieces. In her words she's playing not practicing at the weekends.

She's allowed to go to the music rooms to practicse and does on occassions, but not regularly, and noone is with her, so again she sees that as fun playing not as part of her learning.

Wow. She sounds like she's heading for some form of breakdown.

I know it's not why you posted so feel free to ignore my advice but if this was my dd I'd be stopping two instruments and gymnastics.

Each child is different. My child would not do at all well with so much. She would,be dead on her feet. Tea has to be at 5.45 at the latest. Bedtime is later than I would like but she is an owl so 8.30 9pm is the norm. She could well be over stimulated and over tired, how is she in school holidays?
We value downtime in out house it seems to be seriously under rated these days.

Then this may be where you need to tell her. If she chooses 3 instruments that's fine - but she has to practice alone at ASC daily because the best time/ only time for practice - then at weekends she can play to you for fun - like a little concert. What does she play?

Does she really need to learn 3 instruments at once? I realise that all this might be her choice and that the psych said to give her options but you like DD have taken this quite literally. With school, ASC, and homework her day is as long as a working day for most. IMO there should not be too many options in addition to this. Could she concentrate on one instrument and pick up the others again if she wants to in a few years? What about options like bike ride or park?

Re music practice, she does 10 mins a day per instrument (3 instruments) 5 times a week

Three instruments??? that is just utterly ridiculous, and unnecessary. Have you ever thought of saying no to her.

If I was in this position I would stop everything. If she picks up the instruments and plays them then great. If she want to do after school activities then make her choose one and see how it goes. Speak to the school and ask them not to encourage her into other activities that will add to her stress. It sounds like she is very bright and very sensitive and I think she needs to get back in touch with being a child.

butterkist
A 4th instrument in September !!!

Ok. You have a child who suffers from anxiety.

She doesn't get home til nearly 6, and goes to bed at 8.30 after 2.5 hours of pretty relentless structured activity. She has dyslexia to deal with, and is learning 3 musical instruments. And she does gym, which is another rigidly structured, got to get it right activity. And the bit of the routine you are considering dropping is her 30 minutes TV time?

Are you sure she's not grabbing what the HT said and using it as a way to tell you she wants to get off the roundabout?.