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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think headteacher shouldn't tell children what time their bedtime is?

235 replies

Butterkist · 21/03/2012 19:19

My dd's headteacher today told the school in assembly that their bedtime should be 7pm, 7.30pm at the latest.

Now my dd takes what the teachers (esp the HT) say as gospel, and I always try to ensure there is no conflict of messages between us and the school.

But my dd comes home from school at 5.45, requires dinner, needs to do music practice, reading and homework, and on a couple of evenings a week (including tonight) does out of school activities that finish at 7pm.

Bed time for us is 8.30pm, with lights off at 9pm, this is what works for us. My dd is up for school in time in the morning, and leaves home at 8.15.

Tonight she has missed her out of school activity as she's got to be in bed by 7pm for 7.30pm, so that she can answer correctly if the HT asks her tomorrow. This is her words. She suffers from anxiety and is a perfectionist so will only do the right thing.

AIBU to have a word tomorrow, and say that bedtime are the parents call not the school's?

OP posts:
RhinosDontEatPancakes · 21/03/2012 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curiositykitten · 21/03/2012 19:44

Not saying you are 'wrong' in any way, but if her activities finish at 7, why is it then two hours before she's going to sleep? Genuine question...

Chigley1 · 21/03/2012 19:48

Children of around 7 need an average of 10-11 hours a night. If she is sleeping from 9pm-7am regularly then she's getting her hours. Would she accept that maybe she doesn't need quite as much as others as an explanation? I'm an ex primary teacher and I've had similar with my own son's teacher saying bedtime was 7pm, I just explained that all children are different, some might need to go to bed earlier, some later. Tried not to make it sound as though I was undermining teacher though, obviously.

My 7 year old doesn't sleep until around 8.30 or 9, not because he does anything after school, it's just the time he naturally falls asleep. Attempting to get him in bed earlier is pointless, he just lies there getting stressed. He is getting his 10 hours more or less which works fine for him.

Original poster
Butterkist · 21/03/2012 19:48

Because take tonight (if we weren't doing the imposed ban) she would have gone from school to gymnastics 6pm-7pm, then home and had dinner 7-7.30, done school work and music 7.30-8, tv/free time 8-8.30, 8.30-9 bedtime routine, natter, drink, snack, 9pm sleep.

If not activity night, she'd do school work music 6-6.30, dinner 6.30-7, tv/free time 7-8.30 then bedtime routine.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 21/03/2012 19:50

My just turned 8 yo does all that, and has done since she was 5. But she goes to bed at 7.45 unless she has cubs, which finishes at 8.

squeakytoy · 21/03/2012 19:50

sounds like an awful lot of pressure to perform for a young kid... not surprised she is anxious :(

curiositykitten · 21/03/2012 19:52

God, no that wouldn't work for my DCs/me at all! 7-7.30 is incredibly late for a 7 year old to eat their evening meal on a regular basis.

Is there any way she can eat before gymnastics? Mine would be horrid if they hadn't eaten first.

I'd also scrap the tv/free time, just put straight to bed at 8 after homework finished.

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/03/2012 19:54

Could she do her homework in after-school club perhaps?

But agree not really up to HT to dictate bedtime but may she have over interpreted what was said perhaps?

troisgarcons · 21/03/2012 19:54

butterkist - dont take this the wrong way - after school activities are fine in moderation - but as you say, you work and your child is in an after school club......shoving loads of activities on to the day is pushing your luck. No wonder shes over wrought and strung out. She's actually being forced to "work" about 6 more hours a day than you are.

You have structured her day from 7? in the morning until 9 at night?

She's 7! and 14 hours of activities?

Did kids do that long in coal mines?

Save activities for weekends. Everyone needs down time

Sidge · 21/03/2012 19:55

That's a pretty intense schedule for a 7 year old.

It could be that the HT was making a suggestion and due to your daughter's anxious personality type she has taken it more literally than it was meant?

squeakytoy · 21/03/2012 19:56

when does this child get any free time to play with her friends? 7.30 is also way too late for a 7yo to be having dinner..

VivaLeBeaver · 21/03/2012 19:57

I think the majority of 7yos would struggle with a bedtime that late. My 11yo would. But you know your kid best.

However her teachers may also see her struggling to concentrate as much during the day as she's tired. I don't mean exhausted but border line tired. The sort of tired where she's not moaning and flopping about but bad enough to affect her school work.

Kellamity · 21/03/2012 19:59

I think the HT was out of order prescribing an across the board bedtime like that.

Sleep is of course vitally important for children to learn but recommendations are averages which of course mean some children need more and some children need less.

I have 3 DCs with differing needs when it comes to sleep. DD2 is asleep at 7pm but she is only 3, DS is 6.5 and goes to bed at 7pm and will be asleep at 7.15, school really tires him out and apart from Beavers on a Monday he doesn't do any other after school activity, we have to save it for the weekend when he swims. DD1 on the other hand has terrible problems dropping off to sleep. If she goes to bed too early it almost has a adverse affect on her dropping off, if she goes to bed a little later she falls asleep much quicker IYSWIM. She is 9 and goes to bed at 8.30 lights out at 9pm.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/03/2012 20:02

Well, mine go to after school club, which is pretty unstructured in fact. They play, make stuff, hang out. They come home, eat (5.30 -6ish), do their practice, go to cubs/ scouts/ dancing/ cricket whatever three times a week each. Then they go to bed. Shower, bed, story, sleep. I don't think after school activities are a problem, as long as at least some of them are fun things for them to do. And they don't need an hour to get ready for bed afterwards!

stealthsquiggle · 21/03/2012 20:02

HT needs to realise that some DC will take things too literally. However, my DC could not deal with the schedule you describe. They often don't get home until 6 for the same reasons as you - but then it is bath, supper, maybe 10mins music, and bed. No activities and no homewoek. Bed by 7:30 (just reluctantly raised to 8 for 9yo)

Original poster
Butterkist · 21/03/2012 20:02

Weekends are activity/schedule free. They are either family time or entertain yourself time. And friends are rarely weekends, but lots during school holidays.

OP posts:
CakeMixture · 21/03/2012 20:02

Hi butterkist
I think if she is doing say gymnastics 6-7pm then eating I would ditch something else.
Music practise is important (but could be ditched one day a week? to enable her to go to gymnastics), homework is important but not everyday (not at 7yo), free time is important but not at 8/8:30 on a school night.

I would alter it so eat dinner at 5pm, gymnastics 6-7pm then free time, bedtime routine at 8pm. Obviously that might be difficult with your own work routine but surely she could eat school dinners then sandwich tea with childminder/afterschool club?

Her current routine is much too much for a 7yo - I agree its not surprising she is anxious.

Greythorne · 21/03/2012 20:03

You say your little girl is anxious, perfectionist, stresses easily. You work long hours and she is required to stay at school for two hours after the end of the school day to accommodate your work schedule. She has a very late bedtime for a 7 yo.

And you are coming on AIBU to whinge about the headteacher suggesting a reasonable bedtime?

There's something very wrong with this picture.

First, try to get your DD to start homework during after school club.
Second, cut down after school activities.
Third, try to simplify the evening routine so that she can eat earlier.
Fourth, cut out the extra telly time late at night. This will not help her sleep.
Fifth, try to get her in to bed and asleep a lot earlier than 9pm.

Then see how the anxiety is. She sounds chronically tired.

Original poster
Butterkist · 21/03/2012 20:05

All activities are chosen by my dd, so they are all fun things in her mind.

And of course friends are played with lots at after school club.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 21/03/2012 20:07

It is still way too much for a 7year old.

Bobyan · 21/03/2012 20:08

Teachers - damned if they care enough to say something, damned if they don't.

TheFallenMadonna · 21/03/2012 20:08

Yes, I find people don't get that! After school club is downtime for my children. I still think the hour of faff before bed is too long though! Well, it would be for me. But if she isn't tired? What is she anxious about?

Greythorne · 21/03/2012 20:09

Children of 7 might want to do lots of things (eat chocolate for breakfast, go swiimming in a park pond etc.) but as the adukts we have to intervene as often these things are really not good ideas.

Just because your daughter wants to do various activities does not mean it is a good idea.

The thought of a 7yo suffering with anxiety and yet having music, gymnastics, 2 hours after school club etc. Is quite odd to me.

It really is very unusual for 7 yos to be going to bed that late and not suffering adverse consequences.

CakeMixture · 21/03/2012 20:09

Then you are allowing her to choose to do too much.
If she wants to do gym on mondays (or whatever) then she needs to ditch something else on that evening - freetime for example.

My dd is 7 and couldnt even hope to keep up with your dds routine (it would make her anxious and stressed.................)

crumpet · 21/03/2012 20:10

It's horses for courses but not a chance my 9 year old would have coped with bed at 8.30/lights out at 9 at the age of 7. She would have been on her knees with knackeredness, and we have been very careful with after school activities as a result.

My nearly 6 year old couldn't go near those sorts of times either.

Both of them were bed at 7, lights out after a short story, 7.30 max. been more relaxed with the 9 year old in the last year and only recently are we looking at lights out at around 8.30.