To think headteacher shouldn't tell children what time their bedtime is?

[Butterkist]

My dd's headteacher today told the school in assembly that their bedtime should be 7pm, 7.30pm at the latest.

Now my dd takes what the teachers (esp the HT) say as gospel, and I always try to ensure there is no conflict of messages between us and the school.

But my dd comes home from school at 5.45, requires dinner, needs to do music practice, reading and homework, and on a couple of evenings a week (including tonight) does out of school activities that finish at 7pm.

Bed time for us is 8.30pm, with lights off at 9pm, this is what works for us. My dd is up for school in time in the morning, and leaves home at 8.15.

Tonight she has missed her out of school activity as she's got to be in bed by 7pm for 7.30pm, so that she can answer correctly if the HT asks her tomorrow. This is her words. She suffers from anxiety and is a perfectionist so will only do the right thing.

AIBU to have a word tomorrow, and say that bedtime are the parents call not the school's?

I'd thought that too seeker. That it was her get of of gym free card!

Very well put seeker. Unfortunately the parent obviously has zero intention of even attempting to hear the poor child.

If your dd truly finds practising music relaxing then I don't see that as a problem. Other children could practise football for half an hour a day and it wouldn't be questioned. .

Hopefully given time her confidence will grow and she won't take things other people say as law. In the meantime you have to help her understand what is essential (like physical needs) and what is advice (like practising everyday). She needs help learning that people in charge say things that may not be right for her and that she can choose, with your support to do what's best for her and disregard what is not relevant to her.

My kids have never ever gone to bed regularly at 7.30 or earlier. We are all night owls and if I put them to bed at that time as babies they were up again by midnight and ready to par-tay.

I tried moving mealtimes and nap times and still no luck. However, they were late sleepers and still sleep in at weekends/holidays if they have nothing on.

That is the problem with generalisations.

My kids have always done a lot after school too. My eldest behaves a lot better and performs better in school if he has plenty of activity to tire himself out.

I would be cross about a teacher/head telling kids that. I don't undermine you, you don't undermine me. It goes both ways.

Meh - the only kids I ever see at 7 - actually 5 - doing a gazillion instruments are the prodigency of high flying Chinese immigrants. I'm not sure that actually has any relevence other than the cultural control factor.

Now, not only being a musical genius, the child is dyslexic? its drip feed central.
as I said waaaaaaaaaay back .. 14 hours of structure - even kids in mills and coal mines didnt get that level of abuse - and yes OP - you are inflicting mental abuse on your child.

LentillyFart - How ridiculous, what makes you think you know OPs child better than her?

Holidays are holidays, the only "structure" in holidays is music practice.

We do no reading/formal activities etc during the holidays.

Holidays are beach/park/garden, computer games, "normal" kids activities.

She counts down the days to school.

We do have older children, who are more active and have always been then dd.

Perhaps because OP didn't expect to be grilled on her dds life, she only asked was it unreasonable for a HT to dictate bedtime.

When I started GrammarSchool in 1955 the head sent a letter to parents saying we had to go to bed at 8pm and have one shilling a week pocket money! The idea was that we should all have the same and poorer parents wouldn't be disadvantaged. We were 11. It sounds as if your dd's head teacher is suggesting healthy lifestyle choices. He may be exceeding his brief a bit but I think he has a point. Certainly 7.30 to 8 is late enough for a seven year old.

I think between 7-8 is ordinary for a child of that age.
IMO 8.30-9 is too late .

Not intentionally drip feeding, but as I was getting helpful advice due to the anxiety comment, I provided more information.

But as initially said the original purpose of the thread was how would other parents feel if their kid came home and said Teacher says bedtime is x.

She is a child though, not an adult. She is being allowed to try and succeed in far too many things at one time. It is too much.

As a parent, can you not see that mentally it must be exhausting for her.

No child needs to be learning THREE musical instruments at the same time.

I feel sorry for your daughter and truly think her anxieties stem from trying to achieve in too many things at once.

A child needs to flop in front of the tv, or play with her toys at 7, not be rigidly studying and learning constantly. Only getting proper down time in the holidays really isnt enough. She is going to burn herself out.

Thanks abatinbunkfive that's it exactly.

I was very similar to OPs DD as a child. I wanted to do everything that was offered. Was put up a year at school due to high IQ test scores and then wasn't allowed to move on to middle school with that year group (I'm august born and was young in my original year group anyway, before I got moved). Anyway, like I said, I did EVERYTHING. Dance, music, gym, sport, art, you name it. I had anxiety as my dad died when I was 7 and the teachers suggested getting me more involved in things, hence the huge amount of clubs.

Anyway, I was quite good at all the things I did but never actually realised after a while that I just wasn't happy. My nanny had a word with my mum and together they went to the school and pulled me out of everything apart from dance and 1 musical instrument. I was so gutted at the thought of stopping these things but when I actually did stop, I was relieved beyond belief-this surprised me as I was convinced that I couldn't do without all the activities.

20 years on and I'm happy. Ended up excelling in languages at school and now teach them in a secondary. Also did well in dance, becoming county champ at one point. I do not regret the fact I didn't pursue everything else but like I said-I was made to stop the other stuff, I (briefly) hated my mum/nanny for making me stop but now I am immensely grateful. I truly believed they stopped me from having a meltdown.

And all weekends are downtime.

She's the only one of her friends, that doesn't do an activity be it swimming/golf/dance/drama etc on a weekend.

And if I heard that our HT had said something similar I would support him.
Some children go to bed far too late . School is very tiring for a lot of children . Some parents expect them to do too many activities .

The bedtime that the HT is suggesting is near dd's bedtime at that age. She is also very anxious and meets nearly all the criteria for PDA, now considered to be an ASD. In her first year in secondary school she ended up being hospitalised for 10 days when her levels of anxiety became overwhelming.

I was wondering if she could her practice at school, so that it's one less thing to do in the evenings.

By the way, I also believed that in giving things up, I'd be letting my mum down and was therefore terrified about failure. That instantly disappeared once I knew all my mum wanted was for me to be happy and unstressed and she made it clear that she would've been proud of me even with no extra activities.

Blimey I didn't know everyone sends their DC to bed so early! DS1 never went to bed before 9, he just wouldn't settle. Now age 13 he goes to bed when we do. I was the same as a kid, mum didn't make us go to bed early. DS2 is still up now.... I don't think it is harmful if the child is coping OK and getting enough sleep for them, as I did, and the HT has no business prescribing anything to parents. A gentle suggestion if a child is clearly overtired is different to dictating.

I will be asking about homework/music practice at school. Because even if she does it the 2 nights a week, when there's out of school activities, that would be easy.

We could get her bedtime to 8-8.30pm easily.

Although I don't believe she needs more sleep, she doesn't sleep in at weekends for example or make up her time.

Your post SPG1983 is very interesting.

eh, I did three instruments as a child. I formally took piano and violin (my choice) and my mother taught recorder (I didn't consider it learning, just having fun playing it with my mother). I also did ballet (again my choice). The only thing I regretted about it as a child was missing saturday morning children's TV because that was when my lessons were.

I have one kid who thrives on being busy and one who doesn't. The one who does gets up to all sorts of trouble (hunting in the garage for things to take apart that don't belong to him for instance) when he isn't busy and he asks for stuff to do because he misses it. The one who doesn't went through a period of anxiety about that age. It was stranger danger sort of stuff, he constantly worried about people breaking in our house or strangers when we were out. We got a dog and with age he has grown out of it.

But perhaps the friends are not doing so many things in the week. And even if they are, she is the only concern to you, do not feel pressurised to keep up with other people's schedules.

To answer the original question then, no it honestly wouldn't bother me if the HT said that if it didn't fit with my routine. I have confidence in myself to help my kids interpret other people's comments in a realistic way. I want them to learn how to deal with things that upset them (unless it's something serious) rather than grow up looking for someone to blame.