AIBU to think "...but I can't drive" is a rubbish excuse

[OneHandFlapping]

Over and again on threads where a DH is being some kind of a nob, the OP responds to excellent advice by saying, "I can't go anywhere/get a job/etc because I can't drive."

Unless you have a disability or medical condition that stops you, then WHY NOT? You are making yourself a victim, if you are dependent on your DH for transport.

Why is that so hard to understand lottie newsflash...not everyone is the same as you!!!!

Lottie - do you really struggle with the notion that other people might think differently to you?

I can drive, but don't as I loathe doing it. I understand that other people feel differently, so I don't put stupid things like 'I don't believe a word of it when people say they enjoy driving' on the internet.

I have never read this on a thread.

I can understand someone not being bothered about driving if they live in London. Other than that, I can't understand someone not wanting to drive if they can

Not true, I have lived in four largish British cities and in every single one a car would have been a hinderence rather than a convenience. In suburbia it is a different story - thanks to generations of ill thought out and car centric planning - but I have never needed a car in a settlement of any size.

I've spend about 3k so far attempting to drive plus another 2k on a car. Take (automatic) test no 4 tomorrow. It's not something that comes easy to me and I find it especially difficult as no dp to practice with in between lessons. I have been doing lessons on and off for 15 years but struggle with confidence.

I'm not seeing any link between holding a driving licence and having the freedom to walk away from abusive relationships.

I passed my test at 17, and I'm glad I did. I enjoy the convenience of being a car driver, particularly now that I live very rurally. I did live in a big city for many years, however, and didn't own a car - no need, there was plent of public transport and the cost of running a car was out of my reach.

I was married to a violent controlling brute for 8 years too. I don't see how having my licence could have made any difference to escaping

I think the problem is people who have chosen car based lifestyles needing cars, and not being able to imagine anything else.

There are plenty of skills and equipment I don't have but don't really need - I don't speak French. So I have chosen to live somewhere that speaks English (ie England) and not to get a job speaking French or marry a French man. If I needed to communicate in French as a one off I would ask my French speaking MIL to help, or pay a translator. If I wanted to, say, move to France, I would learn. The car users on this thread are like people living in France saying that they couldn't live without speaking French.

Don't forget - bar a really unusual set of circumstances / disability, if you live far away from the doctors, bus routes, shops, etc you have chosen to live there. If you couldn't drive you wouldn't have made that choice.

I live in a suburban 'new town', before that I lived just outside a small city, and before that in a very small suburb. All without driving. I survived - I had a little 125cc motorbike for a bit, but that was more of a hobby than anything, and I can't say I never accepted a lift, but that is because I'm a lazy moo :-)

Dh might learn soon, just because he fancies a job where he needs it. So, he will make a choice to need a car. Which is fair enough.

Lottie, why aren't you getting this? People are different and have different priorities. You may not understand, doesn't mean its wrong or untrue.

Lottie, why aren't you getting this? People are different and have different priorities. You may not understand, doesn't mean its wrong or untrue.

I don't understand why people need to drive. I work, go shopping, go on days out and don't rely on family for lifts. I have these wonderful things on the ends of my legs. If I put one of them in front of the other I move forwards. They're called feet. I can use these wonderful contraptions to walk to bus stops and train stations, even airports if I want to. Everyone should get them some feet, imo.

I hate driving, only second to the cost of running a car.

Like others, it is a requirement of my employment that i drive and i have got used to traveling to places,for leisure, that i couldn't access by public transport.

The push to learn to drive often depends on what your work and hobbies are.

Re Christmas etc, i have to get taxi's because i like a drink, for drinkers, you get used to counting in the cost of taxi's, anyway.

Doin did you read my post about public transport.We live 3 miles from nearest small town,no footpath for most of it,one bus a day with only a 15minute turnaround ,just long enough o get off and back on again.One bus a week to next town .

There is no way to get to work by public transport ,when we moved here the buses were much better but they have got worse and worse.

If I didn't drive I wouldn't be able to work ,some people cycle but not sure if I could do that every day as I have a hip condition

Oh and a one way taxi from neatest small town is approx £15 ,even taking into account petrol insurance and maintenance driving is cheaper

Lottie. I am a person who does not want to drive. I hope this "computes".

I tried it at great length, and hated it. I decided to use
a) my legs
b) a bus
c) a train
d) supermarket delivery for shopping
e) occasionally, a taxi.

I found driving deeply unpleasant, stressful, frightening, and hard. If I never have to drive again I would be happy.

I also believe that we are being brainwashed into thinking we MUST drive, but most of all, I think soooo many journeys are made in a car that are just plain unnecessary.

I don't want a glut of replies saying "well my car journey is necessary because:.." I trust that many people have good reason for doing so. I am talking about a five minute journey that could be easily walked. I am talking about total over reliance and dependency on cars once you have them. My Mum used to drive to the village shop, not even half a mile away when she had no need to and wasn't in a hurry. I think too much of that goes on.

I also think, since I am in an opinionated mood today, that as a non driver, I would never live anyway secluded or rural and I don't really want to anyway. There are non drivers who might not be able to freely choose where they live, but if you CAN choose and you DON'T drive, then don't live in the middle of nowhere unless you are a hermit by choice.

mrswoodentop, then its obviously useful for you to drive, that doesnt make it an essential life skill though. as I said earlier, I live in a small village 8 miles from town. we can (and have) walk into town, the bus runs 2 every 2 hours 6 days a week until 6pm and starts at 8am. a taxi costs 6.70. bus costs 2.30 return. Idont want to learn to drive. I dont need to learn to drive and I am offended by the assumption that I am reliant on anybody. what happens if your car is out of order? or you cant afford it anymore? being flexible is not limited to being able to get into a car and turn the key. its being able to get around under your own steam. which I can. i am a grown up, capable of making decisions for myself.

Well, I didn't learn to drive when I was a teenager because we were piss-poor and no job I did paid enough to buy lessons. I moved to London for university when I was 18 and didn't need a car for 18 years. (When back home I walked everywhere or hitched, or got the bus) I never once felt put-upon or that I needed my DP. I walked to work and went all around London on public transport, including all my hospital appointments and baby clinics. If I really needed a car I called a taxi, which I could afford because I was financially independent (still am, just..) which is a far more important skill IMO.
I started to learn when I knew we were leaving the city and it took me about 60 lessons at £20 each. Theory test at £30 twice, 4 attempts at practical, £60 each time. New car (old banger) £1100, Insurance £500, petrol £40 a week.
So, £4000, there's that.
I do feel liberated now that I can drive, but only because I live in the countryside and the public transport is so crap. If there was a regular, reasonably priced bus service between this town and the next I wouldn't need to drive at all.
The other reason not to drive, (which I have noticed is often sneered at on MN) is THE ENVIRONMENT. Carbon emissions, pollution, the fact that there will be more wars and more mass starvation as the oil runs out. It seems bizarre to me that I carefully separate all my waste for recycling and then undo any minuscule effect I may have had by driving my children to school.

I've lived in several different locations over the years- built up areas, towns, villages, etc. and always found my lack of driving license to be a crushing inconvenience. It seriously hampered my quality of life and made me utterly miserable. I was forced to take lifts from others on occasion and I'm genuinely surprised that all you non drivers never beg a lift from anyone else.
I felt like a child relying on an adult to help me out. It contributed to PND with my second child.
The amount of freedom and independence I've got from driving has opened up a brand new world and allowed me to do things with my daughters which would be impossible if we just used our legs. Legs can only take you so far, unless you really want to attempt a marathon on a daily basis. And what happens when it's dark? When you want to walk somewhere that has no pavements, no pedestrian access? Or a crappy public transport network? Or late at night? Or if you want to go somewhere which would involve two trains and a bus? Is that really not a royal pain in the rear? Because I hated doing that (3 changes of train/bus to get somewhere) before I could drive. But good on you if you really don't mind. Because you've masses more patience than I.

Everyones circumstances are different though. We live in a tiny village which had a pretty good bus service when we moved here 8 years ago (was a def consideration on why we chose here). There is now no bus service at all and hasn't been for the last 9 months. I work in the village so I walk to work, kids go to village school but I would really struggle if I didn't drive because DD has very regular hospital appointments 12 miles away so it would be incredibly difficult to attend these and be back on time to pick DS up from school. I don't rely on anyone else for picking up/dropping off etc. However, I have no issue if someone does not want to drive (aside from the hideous expense these days) and frankly, it's nowt to do with me anyway.

I live in London where I don't need to drive. I choose to drive for the covenience. It's certainly not an essential life skill and if I needed to leave DH I'd use my legs.

My mother paid for me to learn to drive at the same time she did as she was reliant on my dad for so many years. I was the first person in my year with a car and license.
I couldnt have afforded it with out her paying and my partner 's dad driving with me everywhere. I have a panic if my car is off the road as Im disabled and cant get around without otherwise.
However my close friend doesn't drive, she literally is incapable of anything involving spacial awareness! She would never grasp revers parking. She uses a push bike and is far safer to herself and everyone else on that.

But yes its a lame excuse for putting up with a crap situation just because you cant drive. We have public transport and mostly we have legs we can use. Its an excuse for not changing - fear of change and the unknown can be crippling

The only reason I managed to learn to drive at 33 was because my parents loaned me the money.

Not being able to drive, coupled with living in an area with no bus service, meant that life WAS tough. Had DH been a wanker, or had I needed to take excellent advice given, one of the main reasons I couldn't have followed that advice was my inability to drive coupled with where I lived.

I do get why on face value it seems like a crazy reason that people give, but part of problem solving isn't just about giving one solution that's unworkable, but working through ALL reasons, whether you think they're valid or not.

If I gave someone advice and they said 'I can't do that, I can't drive' then that's another problem to work on, not one to dismiss.

The only time I feel trapped, is in a car on the motorway in a traffic jam, going nowhere fast, on a hot day, with the kids bored and restless (possibly smelling of sick in one case)...

Without a car getting around requires some planning but is not difficult and you experience so much more on a journey that involves public transport and walking. It shows a marked lack of imagination to think that being trapped in a poor / abusive relationship can be magically fixed by a driving license.