AIBU to think "...but I can't drive" is a rubbish excuse

[OneHandFlapping]

Over and again on threads where a DH is being some kind of a nob, the OP responds to excellent advice by saying, "I can't go anywhere/get a job/etc because I can't drive."

Unless you have a disability or medical condition that stops you, then WHY NOT? You are making yourself a victim, if you are dependent on your DH for transport.

Being able to drive is useful but certainly for people like me who live in the London suburbs it is not essential.

I don't drive. I had my eldest DS in 1998, long before the days of internet shopping etc. I managed perfectly well as a LP then as I do now. I have always worked full time.

It is perfectly possible to manage without a car, and many people I know who can drive cannot afford a car in any event.

I was in a relationship with a horribly abusive man. However to suggest that the reason I stayed with him through many years of abuse was because I could not drive is absurd. I rarely travelled in the car with him as he would only take me out in it if I 'behaved' myself This, in his view, happened only infrequently.

When we did finally split up, he suggested I would never manage without him and his car. To his chagrin, we have managed very well

Already said, but find your op so unbelievable that I feel the need to say:

1. It's really,really bloody expensive.

1. If DP is being a prick, self confidence may already be low, so v difficult.

1. It can take ages, with no support, not easy.

1. Even if money available to household, DP may control it.

1. Even if all above was overcome, cars are bloody expensive to buy, keep & run!

YABVU & uncaring,naive & annoying!

" I wonder what people do at Christmas if they can't drive?"

Yes, you're right. I can't buy or wrap presents, or cook a meal without being able to drive! Oh noes.
I'm not sure I understand what you mean...

Another one here who has never depended on anyone for a lift. Picked DS up from school recently, there was a very light drizzle of rain. Parents I didnt know were stopping thir cars trying to give me a lift. They couldnt cope with the rain at all, like they would disolve and couldnt work out why I didnt accept the lift.

Lissie- I live in a rural area and if I didn't drive I wouldn't be able to work and my children wouldn't be able to anything that didn't take place at school or in the village hall. You may manage perfectly well but for some of us it would be totally impossible.

I don't know anyone who lives near me who can't drive except elderly ladies.

For some of us driving is an essential part of live and just because others can manage with public transport, walking and lifts it certainly doesn't mean that we all can.

At Christmas and New Year (before dd) I would spend 3 or 4 months in either India or Thailand so need to drive.

For the last few years we have invited people to our house for Christmas, a few different sets of people and all of them accept because they don't live far away and they know they will have a good Christmas at our house. Nothing selfish about that. I don't need a driver because I hardly ever go to parties, I grew out of that in my early 30s.

There is nothing good about driving. I love being a non-driver and I don't rely on anyone.

That doesn't make it an essential life skill though, does it? An essential life skill is being able to cook a meal, wash your clothes and change a plug. You chose to live there, knowing it was rural. Just as we chose to live here. I work pt, dh works ft, neither of us drive and neither of us are ever late. Ever. Many people can't comprehend another way of life, one that doesn't involve driving because they are so blinkered.

I am organised. That's how it works. What would you do without a car? How would you get around? Doesn't that make you even more vulnerable than someone who isn't reliant on a machine?

At Christmas, we either walk to the ILs, or they give us a lift (but if they couldn't, we would either walk or not go) We also go and visit my family for a week or so. Again, sometimes there is a lift offered, if not we take the train.

We just fit our plans around public transport. So we can't always just go exactly where we want at the exact time we want. It's not a big deal.

Sometimes we get a lift, and always say thankyou and so on, but if we didn't get offered the lift, we would work round it, same as you do with other things.

The slight inconvenience is not worth the cost and arsing about of a car. We manage school, Rainbows, visits, shopping, work, etc perfectly well.

As for the man who needs his kids getting out of bed - well, he needs to find a solution. Either get a job where he doesn't need a car (easier said than done, I know, but I can't get a job that needs me to drive and can also not get a job that needs a degree. Thems the breaks) or get taxis, or learn.

I would learn if I had to - for example if i got a job that paid enough and needed me to drive. I just don't have any reason to learn. (I don't think I would be medically allowed, actually, but that is besides the point)

Oh, and I repeat, I don't rely on lifts.

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time here! It does seem now that more and more people of both sexes don't drive, probably due to cost.

However, in my view, people who chose not to drive because their OH does it all need to think carefully. I was widowed last year and I've never been more grateful for my independent streak that meant I learnt to drive, hold down a decent job etc. Where possible, try not to be dependent on your OH for any life skill - from my perspective I'd include some basic DIY in that as I've had to learn pretty sharpish!

I'm not saying that I can't understand how people can manage without being able to drive. I'm saying that by the same token those people shoud understand why other people need a car.

I'm super organised but even I can't magic public transports, pavements and childminders within walking distance by sheer will alone. Not to mention jobs in my field that don't involve a motorway journey.

I'm not complaining btw I love driving and would never in a million years be without a car

Hamster, I'm so sorry about your dh. Fwiw, I taught lilsis how to put up shelves, fix a door handle/hinge, plumb a washing machine, fix a drain and fit a cooker. She insisted that she didn't need to learn, she had her dp. Then he left her. It was shit emotionally, but practically, she was self-sufficient and coped admirably when her house flooded.

Oh God, I'd be a nightmare in a flood! However, I could at least get in my car and drive to the nearest hotel!

I understand why other people need cars. I love it when DP is at home and the boys don't have to walk in the pouring rain or when its freezing. I enjoy being able to go anywhere at anytime too.

But before we got together and when he is at home if we want to go on a day out we get the bus. It is just as good a day going by bus. We'll sometimes have a day out with my Mum and stepdad in their car.

What I really don't like is the way some people assume we can't cope at all. I'll occasionally get a lift with my Mum if she's going to be going out anyway. There are trains, buses, taxis, planes etc. I don't live in a urban area really. I can get the bus to 4 larger towns and 2 cities. From there I can get other buses, trains etc.

I'd really enjoy being able to drive but until I can stop feeling so scared about it I can cope perfectly without driving.

I don't drive because I have never had an interest in driving. I didn't geven apply for my provisioal license.
I travel on 2 buses to get to and from work every day.
I go shopping with dd using a bus into town or go to a nearer supermarket in which is walking distance.
At Xmas I stay at my parents with dd on Xmas eve and either get a taxi home on Xmas Day or go home on boxing day, again, by bus.
When on a night out, I ever ask a friend to give me a lift home. Some people do offer, but unless they actually have to drive past my house, I always refuse. I don't want or expect anyone to go out of their way for me. I either make sure I have enough money for a taxi home, or I don't go.
My mum did all this when I was growing up, and it's no different for me

At Christmas everyone comes to my house and eats all my fud and drinks all my plonk. Selfish cow, that I am. I don't even ask them to pay me.

I don't believe people who say they don't need to drive and that it doesn't inconvenience them. I passed my test in my early thirties and always found not driving to be the biggest pain in the arse ever. I relied on others for lifts, walked in torrential rain and in the dark in dodgy areas cos I didn't drive. I once had to run at breakneck speed in the dark pushing my daughter in her pushchair because she was sick and I had to get her to the doctors. A 30 min hellish trip in the dark and rain which would've been a pleasant 5 min trip in a car. I've missed lots of socials because I didn't drive. I've wasted a fortune on taxis. I've lived in a village and was restricted to going where I could walk to. And work was a 75 min journey on public transport, which would've been a 20 min car trip.
So no, I don't believe anyone who says they don't mind not driving. Driving is one of the most useful life skills anyone (unless they have a medical reason) can acquire.

Horsecrap lottie with all due respect.

So no, I don't believe anyone who says they don't mind not driving

up to you. but its true, regardless.

Hear hear Mordecai

Maybe if you live in a village, miles from work and miles from a doctor.

However, I live in a big city. Work is 5 minutes walk, childminder is 10 minutes, doctor and dentist are 10 minutes, takes me 10 minutes to cycle into the city centre.

Driving would make things easier a couple of times a year maybe, if I wanted to drive to Cornwall or something, but it wouldn't be worth running a car all year just for that.

I agree with the OP that not being able to drive is a bad reason for staying with a partner who is making you unhappy.

But there are lots of reasons why people don't drive.

Apart from the cost of learning, I think some people just find it more difficult than others. I was always one of those kids who struggled with school sports due to poor co-ordination and slow reactions, so it is not surprising that I find driving difficult.

I'm only an occasional driver. I eventually passed my test on the 5th attempt, but I've never really enjoyed driving. I've never driven to work, as I have always worked in city centre hospitals with no staff parking. I share a car with DH, he uses it during the week, and I'm happy to cycle to work, and walk the girls to swimming, brownies, etc. I occasionally use buses and trains with the kids, and they have been able to walk a good distance since they were tiny.

I make the effort to drive at least once over the weekend so I don't lose the skill completely, but I will only drive routes I am familiar with. I share the driving on holiday, but usually avoid the motorway section.

I'm rambling - I think the point I'm making is that it is not at all unreasonable to choose not to drive, but you don't need to use not driving as an excuse.

Some of us have made deliberate choices about where we live, where we work, what kind of holidays we take based on the concept that we are not planning to drive.

Obviously not a possibility for absolutely everybody in the country, but given that the environment is suffering and fossil fuels are going to give out, perhaps not a totally stupid attitude for at least some people to have?

Dh and I lived totally car free for the first 15 years of our marriage. My parents have never had a car. My brother and SIL do not drive. Plenty of my old friends from uni do not drive. Because of the lives we have chosen to live, none of us have been inconvenienced.

I passed in my early 30s-after more attempts than I want to admit. Not because I was a rotten driver but because I suffered from shocking nerves every time I tried. My ex gave up after 4 attempts and it annoyed me no end.

A friend of mine has a wife who has a licence. She didn't like driving (she never drove more than 3 miles and wouldn't do roundabouts) and gave up several years ago. He's self employed and now has to drive her to work and collect her every day, which I think is pathetic.

I'm now in a job where if I couldn't drive I'd be unemployed.

I can understand someone not being bothered about driving if they live in London. Other than that, I can't understand someone not wanting to drive if they can.

still don't believe a word of it when people say they don't want to drive.
Can't drive, maybe.
Scared to learn, maybe.
Can't afford lessons, perhaps.

Don't want to?
Nope. Does not compute.