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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think "...but I can't drive" is a rubbish excuse

254 replies

OneHandFlapping · 18/03/2012 11:04

Over and again on threads where a DH is being some kind of a nob, the OP responds to excellent advice by saying, "I can't go anywhere/get a job/etc because I can't drive."

Unless you have a disability or medical condition that stops you, then WHY NOT? You are making yourself a victim, if you are dependent on your DH for transport.

OP posts:
rainbow2000 · 18/03/2012 12:29

I dont drive and am not dependent on anyone.I go where i like even with 5 dcs including 3 young dsc.It doesnt stop me.Even after a c section i was out and about.
Not everyone who doesnt drive is a victim.

Sposh · 18/03/2012 12:35

My mum put me in the car on my 17th birthday and made me keep going until I passed my test. It's generally easier to learn when you're young and it was one of the best things she ever did for me. I was lucky I suppose because I had a boyfriend who had a car so he took me out practising a lot too, I passed long before my 18th birthday.

My kids were left a little money by my mum when she died and I have already earmarked it for driving lessons and possibly a cheap car when they pass so they don't keep borrowing mine

insancerre · 18/03/2012 12:39

I don't drive but have never considered myself a victim.
If I wanted to leave DH I doubt very much the fact that I can't drive would stop me. it would never even enter my head that I would have to stay with him because I can't drive.
What a ridiculous idea.

slatternlymother · 18/03/2012 12:41

sposh same here; we have a change pot that we put loose change in and cash in every 6 months or so. The balance goes into a pot towards DS' driving lessons when he's 17. It's not much, but if he gets a Saturday job it'll probably buy him a crash course and just a cheap first car.

There's no question of him not learning; it is an essential skill, especially for kids who live in the sticks and it gets them independent faster.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 18/03/2012 12:42

Christ we can't win can we? There is one thread asking why women don't cycle, now this one asking why we don't drive. Can't people just travel the way we want to travel without people like the op getting unnecessarily clenched?

I agree with others, if you need to escape your dp on a regular basis op, get a new dp not a driving licence...

HTH

Birdsgottafly · 18/03/2012 12:43

Where i live, it is still quite gendered, the boys are bought lessions for their 17/18 birthdays but the girls get jewelery, i find it annoying.

The boys have usually been taken out and allowed to drive, in car parks etc, it is a "father and son thing".

I am paying for my DD's lessons, when she is 17, this year, but it will be years before we can afford insurance, for her to be able todrive and i think that it what puts most people off.

I hate driving and only started because i needed to for work, it was great not having to pay to run a car.

Sometimes i cannot drive, because of health reasons but it doesn't stop me from getting out and about, it does limit where you can go, though, obviously, unless you have money for taxi's.

DilysPrice · 18/03/2012 12:44

Sposh, and slatternly, does that pot also include the annual £2,000 for insurance? Just to warn you.

Deafworm · 18/03/2012 12:45

I don't drive but until recently I never needed to. Dh didn't learn till a couple of years ago and then it was only because he learnt through his work. I started learning last year but money and now pregnancy have caused issues so I'm not learning at the moment. I hope to pass my test next year.

It's only been since we moved to a relatively large town with very few amenities and rubbish transport that I've felt the need to learn, we had better transport links when we lived in the middle of nowhere and neither of us drove.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 18/03/2012 12:47

It also strikes me that it would foster more independence in someone if they were able to get somewhere on their own steam rather that relying on a car all the time.

slatternlymother · 18/03/2012 12:49

Where is this insane figure of £2000 coming from? For a small 1l car (corsa or similar) it is about £800, and you can still get discounts from certain companies for sound various road safety courses. You can also put them on your family policy quite reasonably and pay extra to protect your no claims.

Hate, hate, hate the attitude of 'if you can help your kids to learn to drive, you must be rich.' We're not; we're planning ahead as much as possible; plus we only have 1 DC, so we will only have the outlay for one driver.

slatternlymother · 18/03/2012 12:53

Just googled it and it says £3000 to insure a corsa for a 17yo man, but my cousin just managed it (just passed his test) for £860; possibly like anything you have to shop around or just get third party. Not ideal I know but if it gets you past that crucial first year...

valiumredhead · 18/03/2012 12:53

I have just been left some money - I have put a chunk of it away for ds's lessons in 6 years time, although I hate to think how much they will be then!

slatternlymother · 18/03/2012 12:56

I think the DC also has to be expected to get a job to help pay, tbh. Take some responsibility for themselves. As I say, my cousin recently passed his test but managed to pay for the lot himself; his parents bought him something else, I think. He has a weekend job at Waitrose and saved so hard for it. I think it can be done.

StrandedBear · 18/03/2012 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 18/03/2012 13:01

Its not a case of thinking anyone is rich...it does cost money to insure and maintain a car, some can afford but choose not to drive,some can't afford and that is their reason for not driving. I think what people have an issue with is being pegged as a victim for not driving which is a ridiculous statement.

happybubblebrain · 18/03/2012 13:01

I don't drive, but I don't have a DH either.

I don't drive because its unnecessary. We don't need a car to get anywhere, we cycle or use public transport.
Also, I tried it and didn't like it.
Also, there are too many cars on the road.
Also, its very very expensive and I have better things to spend money on.
Also, the world is going to run out of oil in my lifetime so I don't want to become dependent on one.
Also, I'm fitter without one.
I have lots and lots reasons. If I wanted to drive I would. Each to their own.

lesley33 · 18/03/2012 13:04

As I said earlier on the thread I didn't learn to drive until I was older so I know there are often good reasons for this.

But it does seem from personal experience as if there are more women who don't want to learn to drive or get anxious about the though of learning to drive, than men. Don't know if that is just my experience or if it is the case in general.

higgle · 18/03/2012 13:08

DS1 learned to drive at 17, because we thought it was important to have the skill. He will be 21 next month and has not driven since he passed his test as we cannot afford to help him with a car and he is a student. Yes, lessons etc. are expensive but we gave him a few as his 17th birthday present, then he paid for a few and we paid for a few more and his grandmothers each paid for a couple so between us we got there and didn't notice the expense, spread out over serveral months, that much. I agree very much a life skill everyone should acquire.

5madthings · 18/03/2012 13:09

i dont drive as we cant afford for the lessons, i have my provisional and was taking lessons, passed my theory etc (tho its now expired) i can drive our car with dp in it and do sometimes, but to actually pay for lesson, the theory and the practical test is money we simply dont have at the moment, when we do i will learn to drive.

as it is public transport is fine where i am and i regularly take all 5 kids out on bikes, the bus etc or we walk Shock its fine and not an issue.

MordecaiAndTheRigbys · 18/03/2012 13:10

Anxiety is anxiety...it doesn't discriminate. My DP gets anxious about a lot of things i wouldn't. Its not gender specific. Personally cars horrify me. The idea that i would be in control of something that can kill blows my mind. Does it stop me from having an active life? Does it fuck..

jojane · 18/03/2012 13:17

I have started to learn several times over the past 13 years but due to lack of funds/ traveling and working abroad/ having babies it has been put off. My husband worked shifts so was only really a day or two a week I had to rely on public transport. Last summer he got a new job mon to fri so meant I really needed to get driving so we cashed I. The £150 credit we were In with electrc sold CDs a DVDs to musk magpie for £70, used the final holiday pay from previous job etc etc in order to afford lessons and a second car, luckily I passed within 3 months but we only 'found' the money because it was a huge priority to learn asap

slatternlymother · 18/03/2012 13:19

mordecai I never said I agreed with the OP's statement! It does seem to me though that it's just as important for women as men to learn how to drive if they're going to; it does seem that you see more non drivers who are women though and I wonder why that is.

For instance; my GP's paid for their sons to learn how to drive. For my Mum; they didn't bother. I would say she has been put at a disadvantage by it. Unfortunately, my father is a vile, abusive man. Every time she's asked to learn, my Dad has laughed at her 'I'm not wasting the money; youll just fail. Imagine HER behind the bloody wheel!' Even if she could drive, she wouldn't ever leave him. Maybe she wants to be his victim; either way driving has nothing to do with it. But it has certainly isolated her. And I think she sees that. When I failed my first and second tests, she paid for the resits behind my Dad's back.

JaneB1rkin · 18/03/2012 13:21

The thing that concerns me isn't that people don't want to drive on an everyday basis (though I do), because let's face it a lot of us could cope if we really had to without doing that.

But in an emergency, what would you do? You're on your own, actually let's say you're not on your own but you're in a house, someone else's house, with them, and say three smallish children.

One of the kids has an accident and is knocked out, or has a bad injury that requires urgent attention. You could call an ambulance but you know it might take a while to get there because you're in a village somwhere several miles from a town.

There is a car but neither of you can actually drive it. If you've had a few lessons, even if you haven't passed your test, you'd be able to get in that car and operate it and maybe get somewhere to access help.

Or what if you went for a day out with your family, and you were somewhere off the beaten track and your husband/wife/DP was suddenly taken ill, or had an accident. They're the only person who can drive and you've no idea where you are in terms of giving the emergency services directions. Or they are just ill, and unable to drive but don't require an ambulance.

These are ths sort of situations where I would seriously want to be able to drive a car.

slatternlymother · 18/03/2012 13:21

Also, where I live; public transport is more expensive per journey than a (small) car. It is bloody ridiculous!

empirestateofmind · 18/03/2012 13:23

I could only afford a few lessons so I had three lessons one summer, then I passed the test. I was lucky but it is doable.

I do think that unless you live in a city and don't want to travel round places like Australia and NZ driving is an essential skill.

You limit your job opportunities, emergency options and travel choices if you can't drive.

OP YANBU.